Written by: Jacqueline Neuwirth, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Feeling anxious and nervous in a relationship or with a potential partner? That's your anxious attachment style talking. Among the different attachment styles, the Anxious Attachment Style stands out for its intensity and complexity. It's like having an emotional radar that's always on high alert for any sign of relationship turbulence or unknowns. In this article, I’ll unpack this jittery love style—why your inner alarm bells ring, what are some anxious attachment triggers and how to become more securely attached and experience healthy relationships.
What is an anxious attachment style?
The concept of attachment styles originates from the work of psychologist John Bowlby and further developed by Mary Ainsworth in the late 20th century. Their research revealed that the quality of care and responsiveness we receive from our caregivers in infancy and childhood lays the foundation for our attachment patterns. Anxious attachment style typically develops in children who experience inconsistent responsiveness from their caregivers.
These children learn to associate love with uncertainty, often perceiving it as something that must be earned or may be withdrawn at any moment. Of the four attachment styles, this article is for you if you are an anxious person and find yourself struggling in intimate relationships. Your attachment style also plays into all your relationships including family, friends and at work.
Signs of anxious attachment
Men and woman with an anxious attachment style are often described as having a heightened sensitivity to their partner's moods and actions, constantly seeking reassurance and closeness. This can manifest in several behaviours and emotional patterns:
Self-doubt and low self-esteem: Doubts about their worthiness of love and affection lead to a reliance on their partner for validation and self-esteem.
Fear of abandonment: An underlying fear of being left alone or abandoned is a hallmark of this attachment style. It can lead to clingy or needy behaviour, as individuals desperately seek to maintain proximity to their partner.
Need for reassurance: A constant need for verbal and physical reassurance of love and commitment is common. Anxious individuals may frequently ask for confirmation of their partner's feelings towards them.
Sensitivity to partner's mood and actions: They are acutely aware of and reactive to any changes in their partner's mood or behaviour, often interpreting them as signs of diminishing affection or interest.
Jealousy and trust issues: Jealousy can be more pronounced in those with an anxious attachment style, stemming from their insecurities and fear of losing their partner to someone else.
Emotional intensity and volatility: Relationships can be characterized by highs and lows, with intense expressions of love when feeling secure and significant distress and one person being overly dependent.
6 Essential steps to move towards secure attachment style
Choose partners wisely Being aware of the attachment styles of your partner or potential partners can help you avoid painful situations where your anxious attachment style may get triggered. This is especially important to be aware of if you are dating. Because secure attachers usually stay in relationships longer, there are less of them in the dating pool. A healthy relationship can benefit from both partners leaning into having a secure attachment style. Pay attention to how your potential partner is acting. Are they exhibiting an ambivalent attachment, anxious attachment styles, fearful avoidant attachment, or just plain avoidant. Being aware of the attachment styles of your partner or potential partners can help you avoid painful situations where your anxious attachment style may get triggered. This is especially important to be aware of if you are dating. Because secure attachers usually stay in relationships longer, there are less of them in the dating pool. A healthy relationship can benefit from both partners leaning into having a secure attachment style. Pay attention to how your potential partner is acting. Are they exhibiting an ambivalent attachment, anxious attachment styles, fearful avoidant attachment, or just plain avoidant.
Set healthy boundaries Anxious attachers often have weak boundaries and would benefit from establishing appropriate boundaries that help them feel secure while also giving their partner space. This means recognizing and respecting your personal limits, values, needs. The anxious attacher may struggle with self-worth, stemming from low self-esteem or it can be triggered by being in a relationship with an avoidant partner. Begin to advocate and implement your boundaries without fear that it might push your partner away.
Communicate your needs clearly Instead of acting out of anxiety, learn to express your needs and desires directly and constructively. This involves being honest about feelings without demanding immediate responses or changes from your partner. This will help mitigate misunderstandings and build trust. How to Help Your Anxiously Attached Partner? If you have a partner that has anxious attachment , it might be difficult to know how to best support them while also maintaining your autonomy in the relationship.
Boost your self-esteem Understanding attachment theory will help you if you have an insecure attachment style. A person with a more secure attachment style will experience better romantic relationships and personal relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. One way to become a more secure attachment style is to boost your sense of confidence and self-worth. Decide you don't need constant reassurance and that you are strong and awesome enough to give yourself that assurance. Try doing activities and hobbies that reinforce a sense of self-worth outside of the relationship which can help reduce the dependency on a partner for validation. This could include pursuing personal goals, professional achievements, or creative endeavours.
Learn techniques to manage your anxiety If you have negative thought patterns in your interpersonal relationships as well as your social interactions and romantic relationship, you most likely have an anxious attachment style. Someone with an anxious or insecure attachment style will benefit from knowing what events may trigger anxious attachment feelings. It could be your partner's attachment style. If you are in a relationship with an avoidant partner, you may not be getting the emotional closeness you are seeking. A person with an anxious attachment style can benefit from learning how to manage their anxiety through methods like deep breathing, meditation, or mindfulness. These techniques can help them navigate moments of insecurity without immediately seeking reassurance from their partner.
Recognize your triggers Understanding your attachment style and recognizing patterns along with your anxious attachment triggers, is the first step towards change. By understanding and addressing the roots of child development, for example, if you experience anxiety fear or intense fear, you are most likely and anxiously attached person. Childhood experiences heavily influence your adult attachment. With an anxious attachment style can move towards more secure, fulfilling relationships that thrive.
Do you have an anxious attachment style?
I offer professional guidance and help clients navigate challenging relationship dynamics by providing tools and strategies to address underlying issues, improve self-esteem to step out of painful and emotionally disruptive patterns associated with having an anxious attachment style.
For more information on relationships, read my blog article: 15 Signs You Might Be In a Toxic Relationship.
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Jacqueline Neuwirth, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jacqueline Neuwirth is an experienced Certified Life and Relationship Coach, CPP and Master Certified Neurolinguistic Programming Expert, MNLP. She supports clients in the full spectrum of love and relationship coaching including dating and finding love, healing from a breakup or heartache, navigating an existing relationship or deciding to stay or leave. Jacqueline is helps her clients foster confidence, self-esteem, and build communication skills which assist clients in all aspects of life, including family, career and friendships. Combining a holistic and strategic approach, Jacqueline helps people transform fear, confusion and anxiety into love, freedom, and success.
Her coaching incorporates a lifelong study of both Eastern and Western philosophy plus her ten year journey of working one-on-one with a Zen monk. To assist her clients, she incorporates Attachment Theory, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Non-Violent Communication, Shamanic Studies and the Law of Attraction Principles. In addition, she brings in knowledge from a host of amazing teachers including Eckhart Tolle, Joe Dispenza, Bruce Lipton, Thich Nhat Hahn, Brené Brown, Esther Perel, Michael Singer, John Gottman, Helen Fisher and many more.
Jacqueline draws on her history as an award-winning entrepreneur, and previous owner of a 25-year career as a designer and art director working for Fortune 500 companies, along with a successful career as an exhibiting fine art oil painter with gallery representation across the US. She is also a mom, friend, sister, and inspired by all things related to personal development and finding joy, easy and flow in life!
If you are ready to make lasting change, visit her website and sign up for a free consultation at www.jacquelineneuwirth.com
