Written by: Wendy J Olson, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Let’s talk about Affect Regulation. I’ve referenced the use of our Effect in several of my articles, but I realize that many people may not be familiar with the term. When we talk about Regulating your Affect, we are talking about the parts of our brain that are responsible for Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. Fawn being the newest of the Trauma Responses, mainly resulting in people-pleasing, but to a much higher degree.
In each of our bodies, we have a Window of Tolerance, a term coined by Dan Siegel. For people that have suffered severe trauma, their Windows of Tolerance are smaller than the average human. Trauma causes literal damage to parts of the brain, and this is just one instance of where it shows up. In your Window of Tolerance is where you are able to handle stressful situations that come up. However, once you’ve left your Window, you will either move up into Hyper-Arousal and move into Fight or Flight response, becoming anxious, angry, and hyper-vigilant. If we move down into Hypo-Arousal, now you’re beginning to Dissociate, and going into Freeze or Fawn, becoming numb and depressed, or reverting to what we commonly refer to as “people-pleasing” in your fawn response. Essentially you are folding or bending to the person’s will in order to try to avoid harm.
An example of Fawn would be the one I always tell about myself: I’m in a bank and the bank is suddenly being robbed. While in my head, I’d like to think I’m going to karate chop the heck out of these criminals, more than likely I’m going to tell the bank robbers I like their shoes.
That’s Fawn.
As we begin the work of healing, we are working on stretching that Window of Tolerance back to a manageable width or height. We don’t want to lose our cool every time a deadline hits, the dishwasher breaks, or we have more than one appointment to get to in a day.
When I first started going to therapy, my therapist asked me what stressed me out throughout the week. I told her “appointments.” She looked at me and asked, “Appointments? Like this one?” I nodded. I told her that even though I knew I didn’t have an appointment until later in the afternoon, I stressed about it all day long. I was anxious leading up to it, on the drive over, and worried I wouldn’t make it on time. And then there’s the stress of the appointment itself. I could tell by the look on her face that this wasn’t normal.
Now imagine trying to live your life with this kind of stress weighing heavily over you every day. And now imagine trying to be an entrepreneur, all while managing multiple appointments throughout your busy day.
It just wasn’t going to fit.
Something had to be done. Three years later and I’ve not only learned how to manage stress better, set boundaries, and keep more than one appointment per day, I’ve also stretched my Window of Tolerance. Do I still find myself moving into Hyper or Hypo-Arousal? Absolutely. Except now I have the tools to help regulate my Affect and get me back to center, or homeostasis.
I’m no longer a slave to my tiny Window.
Follow me on Tiktok, Instagram, Linkedin, and visit my website for more info!
Wendy J Olson, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Wendy J Olson is a healing coach, founder, and president of Grit Plus Gumption Farmstead. Wendy believes in the power of stories to change and shape people's lives. She walks with women through their stories of past hurts and traumas and guides them to find their own freedom and healing. Through Grit plus Gumption, she serves survivors of sexual exploitation and domestic violence. Having applied all she teaches to her own life as a survivor herself, she is able to guide women with kindness and grace, showing them there is always more freedom to be had in one’s life. She believes everyone has a story, and even if that story is really hard, it doesn't mean the rest of the story has to be.
