Written by: Dr. Kim West, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Most people looked at Bree and were so impressed with who she was. Her identity was doctor, wife, and mother. She seemed to have it all. She made great money, had a picture perfect home and was respected by all. The problem was that she hated her life
She never wanted to be a doctor but everyone in her family was in medicine. It was expected that she would also go into the field even though her true passion was art. Her parents would pay only for medical school and that had greatly limited her options.
The family found their identity and respect in being a medical family and if she did not comply it would reflect badly on all of them. They wouldn’t let that happen. She felt that her life was decided for her and she had no choice but to become who they wanted her to be..
Now, ten years into her practice, she cried on her way to work
Philip’s life was the opposite. He had always been told that he wouldn’t amount to much, so he didn’t even try. The voices of his parents, teachers, friends, and coworkers all played continuously in his head. The themes were the same – this is all you are or ever will be so just learn to be happy with it.
He found that he would self-sabotage, procrastinate, ruminate and just keep walking on the hamster wheel. He saw life from the outside and he just “knew” it wasn’t for him so why did he long for it? He woke up each groundhog day and felt his soul drain.
What do Bree and Philip have in common? They were both living out identities that never quite fit. Unfortunately, a great many of us have the same problem.
Our identities were given to us
We have no clue who we are when we are born. We find our “identity” through our attachments to those around us. As we look at them, they are a mirror to us reflecting whether we have worth or not, whether we are a delight or an inconvenience. People reflect that they are glad to be with us and that we are loved or that we disappoint and fall short of expectations.
From this input, we decide who we are. Then, we have to come up with ways to function with the identity we have been given.
Who we believe we are is what we live out
Bree believes that she must be a doctor. Philip believes he must be nothing of significance. The voice in their minds reinforces their belief in these mandates and how they must live.
What we believe about ourselves will determine the life we create. What if we are wrong about our identity and that is why our lives feel so unfulfilled?
As you read this, you are talking to yourself. Throughout the day that internal voice is always there, much like a television playing in another room. We aren’t really tuned into it but it is directing us to live out our given identity. The voice is maintaining the status quo of our lives much like a puppet moves as the strings are pulled.
Maybe you should tune in
Really listen for the rest of the day. What is going on between your ears? Is there an inner bully discouraging and defeating you and telling you to play small? Is it telling you “should” and “can’t” and “must be”? Does it discourage, defeat and steal your dreams?
That bully is there to keep your false identity in play and it is relentless in doing so. “This is who you are and forever will be.” The only way to break out of this identity prison is to take the bully on. You have to challenge what it tells you rather than live out what it insists.
“You always mess up.” Is that true? Have you never done anything right? Replay your successes, however small, and prove it wrong. No one has ever always messed up.
“You will never be enough.” For whom? For what? Says who? Is the origin of that thought God Himself? No? Then, you can ignore it.
Jesus Christ walked the earth and many thought He was not enough. If He was a disappointment to many and yet He was perfect then you and I will never live up to the expectations of others. Trying to is a no win and painful game. Stop trying to be what others want and learn instead to be who you truly are.
“You’ll never amount to anything.” Really? Am I not just as capable of hard work and pursuing a goal as others? Recount your achievements, big and small, and you will see this is just the voice of the bully.
You have a true identity hidden underneath who you were told you were
Most likely, who you actually are is not what others told you. You are just hidden behind the assignments – “Too much.” “Not enough.” “You are such a disappointment.” “I wish you were like your sibling.”
Hurtful words come from the mouths of broken people. Healthy people do not diminish others. Just because they said these words does not make them true. But, as a child, you didn’t have the ability to detach from them enough to see your identity as separate from their opinion. If you believed their words and took them in then you are living an identity, a you, that is not true. Want to be done with that?
How to claim your true self
First, decide you have had enough of living a small life and then determine to do something about it.
Start with triage. Where are you most wounded? Where are the cracks in the foundations of your identity? What are you doing that does not feel true to who you are?
This part is not fun but absolutely necessary. As you discover when and where your identity was injured, you can heal what was broken.
Who told you negative thoughts that replay in your mind? Were they all-knowing, all-wise and the holder of all-truth about life and you? No? Stop listening and stop repeating what they have said.
You must separate yourself from the lies. Challenge every negative thought about yourself. Is it absolutely true? If not, replace that lie with what is true. Truth does set us free.
Are there places within that you can strengthen and grow? See each “weakness” as an opportunity to become stronger, wiser and a better version than the person you have been.
You are rebuilding your identity foundation based on what is really who you are rather than what you came to believe you are. It is a process, an adventure, and a destiny.
Adopt thoughts that are life-giving
Refuse to continue to bully yourself and learn to become your own best friend. Yes, you will make mistakes in life. Yes, sometimes you will perform in ways that you wish you didn’t. That is just life as a human. It is not a sentence of worthlessness. Learn to give yourself grace.
Challenge your given identity
Keep what fits and discard everything else. List out your gifts, talents, abilities, experiences and begin to see your God-given design. Give yourself permission to bring your dreams and desires to the surface. Examine them and find in them who you were meant to be.
You could even give up a doctor identity that doesn’t fit you in order to live out the artist in you. You could give up the loser identity to pursue your calling and claim a successful life.
Learn to love being you
I have helped hundreds do just that. You are not stuck living the rest of your life being less than what you are. You have a choice. Do the work now and create a life you can love living.
Imagine the true you a couple of years down the road
You feel comfortable in your own skin and believe in your worth and abilities. You like being you because you have an identity that truly fits you. You believe in yourself and have an internal peace and an internal voice that supports you. You have dreams and goals that you are actively pursuing and know that you can accomplish.
What is this future you doing? Where are you? Who is with you? Fully feel what it is to be the best version of yourself. Got it? Now, borrow from the future you.
What would future you do today?
Think and act from your future self. Let this true guide and help you to become all that you imagine. Borrow self-confidence, strength and wisdom from the future and live it out now as if this were true today.
You are worth knowing. You are valuable. The world needs you to be fully you.
You are not stuck being what others told you that you were. You can and must become all that you are and all that you were designed to do. The alternative is to live your days being someone else's version of you and never experience life as it was meant to be.
You have a life to live that reflects exactly who God designed you to be. Don’t settle for anything less.
Want to understand how your identity was fractured and how to repair it. Download my FREE ebook, “Soul Repair”
Dr. Kim West, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Kim West has been doing what others say can’t be done for two decades – completely and permanently healing trauma, abuse and mental roadblocks quickly and easily. Rebuilding her client’s identity from the ground up they claim a powerful, joyful future.
