Written by: Wanda Gibbons, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Most people have heard the term "opposites attract." Some people think being opposites is the only way to have a relationship and that it balances each person out, but then they continue to struggle when they don't need to. It can be very challenging to maneuver this kind of relationship where your likes, dislikes, interests, values, and mindset differ.
My thoughts are that it goes much deeper than this. I believe we unconsciously attract and choose partners based on what feels familiar to us, traits that we love and don't love in past relationships, for example, with previous partners. However, our choice of partners mostly goes back to our relationship with our caretakers and our unhealed emotional wounds.
I believe every relationship we have throughout our life is here to help us heal, grow, and continue to evolve into a better version of ourselves. Our partners, usually unknowingly, reflect the parts of us that require healing. Depending on how much inner work is needed within ourselves, we will attract partners that have one or more traits that will appear as the relationship grows deeper so that we are given the opportunity to reflect and heal this part of us that our soul desperately wants us to recognize if we are willing to do so.
Our partners will also have the unhealed emotional wounds that we are reflecting on them. Suppose we follow a path of self-discovery and do the inner work required to heal our wounded selves. In that case, our relationships will eventually become easier, and our relationship can become a wonderfully supportive, loving partnership.
Relationships will never be perfect because humans aren't perfect. However, the beauty of relationships is that they allow us new opportunities for growth and learning! I see it in my relationships and still marvel at how my loved ones have also changed, and I didn't do anything except focus on my healing and journey. Approaching relationships differently than we were taught in the past will create more ease if we can practice seeing relationships as excellent opportunities for more growth and healing.
We will learn how to maneuver within the relationship in a much more peaceful, loving, respectful, and harmonious way—removing the frustration, friction, resentment, and sometimes even anger. The magic of this is that as we change and only focus on our healing, all the people around us will change; it's mind-blowing to see this happen!
Too many people think they must point out other people's "flaws" and fix their partner, but we will receive miraculous results in the people around us simply by focusing on ourselves. Once we change our perceptions, stop blaming and shaming others, and instead start focusing within, then everything changes for ourselves and our loved ones!
The good news is that your relationship can work even if you are in an "opposites attract" category. These types of relationships can undoubtedly be more complex and challenging, but they offer more personal growth if we are willing to explore and do some inner work.
You will yield even faster results if both people do their inner work or personal development and strive for a path of enlightenment.
Your success will also depend on how much you want this relationship to work. How many things are good or excellent in your relationship? Do you feel it's worth saving? And are you willing to do whatever it takes to keep this relationship?
First, start taking an inventory of what is working in the relationship. What do you love about the other person? What did you love about this person when you first met them? Be honest with yourself and determine how badly you want this to work for both of you. Remember, this isn't about changing your partner; this is about you and getting clear on what you need or desire in a relationship. Write out all the pros and cons, big and small. I highly recommend writing this on paper so you can "see" it. I have learned over the years that we can receive more clarity when we write it out and SEE it instead of leaving our thoughts floating around in our minds. You may even start to see how some of the little stuff is only an extension of the more significant or core issues.
Secondly, change your perception of your partner and your relationship. When I look back at my past relationships, I can see where I used to assume and project how the other person would react to a situation or something I would say. I learned that if I kept repeating this pattern, my partner would always prove me right, which only caused me more frustration and resentment. It really isn't about the other person; it's about us.
For example, if I thought my partner wouldn't stand up for me, respect me, and support me in a decision, they wouldn't. There are two reasons this happened. First, I had already pre-determined how he would react, so why would he do anything differently. If that's the outcome I expect, then chances are I will experience it. When we get stuck in an assumption and don't open to other possibilities, the Universe will create the exact situation and results that we have already pre-determined to be true. Our thoughts are more powerful than we realize, so staying curious and open to other possibilities is essential even when our circumstances or past have proven differently.
Another reason why my partner didn't support me, stand up for me, or respect me was because I didn't love and respect myself. When you think about it, it's crazy to see how the people closest to us will unconsciously mirror what we lack within ourselves. I am living proof that it's more about how we subconsciously feel about ourselves. A big lesson for me was that others wouldn't love and respect me if I didn't love and respect myself. Sometimes we don't even realize we feel this way about ourselves. Still, with some curiosity and exploration of our inner thoughts and beliefs, we can discover where we are self-sabotaging our relationships and what emotional wounds we are longing to heal from our past.
I promise you that if you explore this way of doing a relationship, you will transform your life and your relationships and feel more fulfilled!
Recommended tasks to get you started:
Create a Pro & Con list of your relationship and partner, then highlight the most important ones on the list
What's currently working in the relationship?
What did you love about your partner when you first met?
How badly do you want to save this marriage or make it work harmoniously?
Reflect on caretaker relationships and past relationships
What are your triggers in the relationship?
Self-reflection
What do you need in your relationship?
Do you have non-negotiables? List them. What is the reason for these non-negotiables?
Ask yourself this powerful question: What would I truly love?
For more information on this transformational question, "What would I truly love?" check out my blog post.
Wanda Gibbons, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Wanda Gibbons specializes as an Intuitive Relationship Coach and is a Certified Transformational Dream Builder Coach and Brave Thinking Master through Mary Morrissey & the Brave Thinking Institute. She is passionate about assisting clients in living and loving their best life possible and having fulfilling, fun relationships. Wanda's clients go from feeling fed up, frustrated, triggered, starving for love and attention to learning how to harness the art of authentic, conscious listening and self-expression so that they can create deeper love, connection, support, and intimacy with one another. Wanda has a natural ability to understand both sides and assist her clients in resolving their struggles through self-discovery and effective communication.
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