Written by: Javier Peñalba, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Relationships are there to make us happy. Is that true? How do you feel when you believe that your relationship is the reason for your unhappiness and that you will be happy only when you find the right relationship? In this article, we will explore the truth behind our unhappiness so that we can direct our energy to find happiness irrespective of our relationship or external situation.
The big dilemma that many of us deal with, especially people with a fear of commitment and an avoidant attachment style, is finding the right relationship where we can feel whole and at peace. If it becomes too difficult, then many decide to simply avoid relationships altogether. Others simply jump from one relationship to another, always feeling empty and unfulfilled. The other side of the coin is focusing on finding your happiness first. However, this is not always easy, as many fears and limiting beliefs can hold us back from achieving that inner state without first having that which we think will give it to us. Let’s examine three principles that can take you to find sustainable fulfillment, peace, love, and joy independent of who you are with.
1. Your happiness depends on yourself: Stop the blame game
As we venture into the world of relationships, some people go in with the mindset of finding the person that can provide them with the happiness that they think they can otherwise not obtain. They think that without that person or relationship, they are not complete, and they struggle until they find it. In other words, they come from a place of unhappiness and think that finding that one person will provide them with that happiness. Phrases like “my other half” or “my soul mate”, abundant in songs and popular culture, reinforce the belief that we need someone to be whole, fulfilled, and at peace. However, as time goes by and the shine of the novelty of the relationship wears off, underlying unhappiness that perhaps was hidden deep within many times comes back and feelings of emptiness and unfulfillment take over.
The easiest thing to do at that point is to blame the partner for your unhappiness and look for another one that can finally make you feel whole again. This is when many people begin the endless process of trying to change their partner so that they adjust to whom they “should” be according to their learned standards. In other words, they try to mold their partner in a way that does not touch any of their buttons so that they can feel fully in control of their emotions in the relationship. This process of finding happiness in a relationship can be very fatiguing because one can only feel well in a very limited set of circumstances: when their partner looks and acts how they wish them to.
Other people take the route of starting to look outside of the relationship and feel easily tempted by anyone who shows interest in them or gives them that which they think is missing from their partner, triggering doubt in their relationship. Others in turn get confused easily by ads focusing on beauty or actresses in TV shows or films. This is all in an attempt to feel happy, at peace, and whole, wrongly believing that this will come from someone outside of themselves. This can also be seen as an attempt to stop feeling the anxiety that they feel in their current relationship. In other words, as a means to escape their suffering.
After many years of going through a process like the one mentioned above, and seeing many others do the same, I have realized that love, happiness, peace and fulfillment are not things that we can sustainably and truly obtain from the outside. What if we switch the order of the equation that we all get stuck into and focus on finding these things first? Would it then even matter who we are with to keep that state?
The answer to this is obtained in a journey that will inevitably take you within. In this path, you stop focusing so much on aligning the world to your conditioned standards, including your likes and dislikes, obtaining the perfect partner, the perfect job, or the house of your dreams. All of these will give you temporary satisfaction that will wear off once you get used to them. The only place where all of these states are accessible independent of your external situation is now, within you, in the depths of your being.
Remember: you don’t need to have what you think you need to be happy, you can be happy now, and then check if you still want what you thought you needed! You’ll be surprised how many times you don’t even want that anymore, once you realize that it was just an illusion of your mind telling you that you needed it to be happy.
A first step to start this journey is to let go of the habit of blaming others for your unhappiness and focus on transforming your own energies first instead of changing everything externally. To do this, learn to feel your resistance to life’s situations, reactions, or ways of thinking of others, and anything that can trigger you, and allow those emotions to simply flow through you without identifying yourself with them or with the voice in your head at that moment. Become the observer of your thoughts and emotions, creating a space between you as the observer and them as simply conditioned patterns, and allow for a sense of peace to arise deep within after the dust is settled. Learn to smile at your own thoughts and emotions, none of them define you. The remaining peace is your true state. The reward is that your external situation: relationship, job, political, and even economic situation, won’t determine your inner peace and fulfillment anymore. With a state of peace, it will then be a lot easier to change whatever needs to be changed in the outside world.
As another exercise, ask yourself, what is that which you need, which will give you peace and happiness? Let’s say that your response is the perfect relationship. Now, ask yourself, who would you be without the thought that you need the perfect relationship to be happy and at peace? Remember, you cannot have that thought anymore. Who would you be at this moment and how would you feel? Focus on your inner state as you place your awareness within. If you do this intently and honestly enough, you will see how a sense of peace will arise from within. That state proves that you didn’t need what you thought was needed to be happy. That is your original, natural state, and the only thing that is taking that away from you is the thought that you need something outside of you to get it! Start applying this anytime you believe that you need something to be happy, and witness your life be transformed!
2. Love is an inner state available to you always
When was the last time that you felt love? Did anyone “make” you feel it, or is it something that arose from within? What was your inner state as you felt that? Although the experience is unique to each individual, love is usually felt as being fully free and connected, with a feeling of the chase being over and where you can finally simply be you. Does it sound like you need someone to make you feel all those things? The truth is that the more you learn to feel all of this on your own by letting go of all the thoughts that are preventing you from doing it, that natural state of love, which you are, will simply arise. Your energy will change and your day and life will seem smoother and lighter.
Learn to fall in love with your life, even if your life’s situation is not the best. Consider your life to be this moment, and nothing else, with no thoughts of the future or past, no preferences, no struggles, worries, or fears. Just you as awareness being present in this moment. Your life’s situation will undoubtedly change, your partner will sometimes understand you, sometimes not; your job will sometimes be likable, sometimes not; the weather will also be nice and sometimes it will be too cold or too hot. Notice all those labels and let them fall to see your life’s situations just as they are, with full acceptance, and let your life arise. Behind all those labels hides the Truth, and with it comes real love and acceptance. That present moment state without all those judgments is your life, and it can only be lived and enjoyed now, not one moment later. As you practice being in this state often, you will notice how you will feel love more often, even if nothing has changed from the outside. Without any resistance to what is, a sense of gratitude and joy emanates that can bestow you the energy, equanimity, serenity and clarity of mind to deal with any challenge on your path.
Knowing that love is always available to you, stop demanding it from others! Access it, give it to yourself first, bathe in it, be grateful for who you are in this moment, and allow that energy to grow in you. Then, allow your life to be transformed from within.
3. You are not your thoughts, emotions, or actions, but the consciousness that observes them
The recognition that we, in our essence, are pure consciousness and that all of our thoughts, emotions, and actions are just a reflection of our past conditioning is a huge step in starting this journey. Realize this by asking yourself the question: Who’s the one that’s thinking, feeling, and acting? When you can separate the subject (your awareness) from the object (your thoughts, emotions, and any external stimuli) in this manner, and focus on your own awareness, what remains is pure peace and everything else is just an object observed by that awareness. The result is a full focus on the present moment, where all the states that we humans tend to chase throughout our lifetimes are always available. The more that you can do this during your day, as you work, talk with your partner, take a walk, or make a decision, the lighter and smoother your day will feel. Things won’t be as absolutely important as they seemed to be, but relatively important, and peace will flow within you, be it that things happen how you wished or not.
Realizing this, it becomes a huge relief to know that those thoughts that may be bothering you so much about your relationship or your partner are just that, thoughts that arise as a reflection of your past experiences that led to your likes and dislikes. Your partner, without all those thoughts, simply is and is perfect in her own manner. She is as much love as you are in your essence. As Eckhart Tolle wisely says, what creates suffering is not the situation itself but the thoughts about the situation. Learn to separate the thoughts from the situation and observe the situation from that light, without all those judgments, and what remains is peace and acceptance. With peace and acceptance, decisions and actions will arise naturally, as they will not be performed out of the urge to fill out a hole in you, but simply as the natural thing to do in that particular moment.
So, if joy, inner peace, and fulfillment are states that are available to you independent of your relationship, does that mean that you should not look for someone that is compatible with you or assess your current relationship? Not at all! With a clear mind coming from a state of inner peace, you will be way more capable of discerning whether the person that you want in your life brings harm or adds to your joy. As your heart will already be full, your decision won’t come out of neediness, fears of unworthiness, or any other blockage but through an objective, clear assessment that won’t require any type of overthinking. So, are you ready to let your life unfold in the most exciting, joyful, and peaceful way? Then start NOW!
You can discover more about my work by visiting my website. If you are interested in working to improve your relationships, shift your attachment style into a secure one, overcome your fear of commitment, or simply create a lighter life with more peace and well-being, I invite you to apply for coaching here and let me know more about your situation so that we can explore how I may be of help to you. I further invite you to subscribe to my newsletter by filling out the form on my website by following this link. By subscribing you will receive my Free Gift where I provide 3 tips to overcome the fear of commitment to create fulfilling relationships. You will also get updates from me occasionally including articles and videos about this topic.
Javier Peñalba, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Javier Peñalba is an ICF certified life coach helping people with fear of commitment to create fulfilling relationships. Having dealt with anxiety for decades since the young age of 6 after the sudden suicide of his father some meters away from him, Javier has worked on a long journey of self-discovery, where he uncovered symptoms of commitment phobia, relationship OCD and anxiety. In particular, he could not stay in any intimate relationship for more than a few months without running away from it. Having dedicated the last years of his life to understand and overcome this issue, Javier is now happily married and is providing seminars and life coaching services to help people suffering fear of commitment.
