Written by: Sara Davison, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Divorce is known as the second most traumatic life event – second only to the death of a loved one.
Statistics show that 42% of marriages end in divorce in the UK, so the notion of ‘’til death do us part’ is long-gone in modern-day society. We are fluid beings and what we want out of relationship can change over the course of a marriage. Especially if we’re sacrificing what we want and need for the sake of keeping a marriage together.
Relationships end for so many different reasons and each situation is unique. Some fizzle out over a period of time as you slowly drift apart or stop communicating, whereas others come to an explosive conclusion, following a messy affair or betrayal. For some of us it comes as a complete surprise and is forced upon us. For others it is our decision and feels like the right thing to do is to walk away so that both of you can thrive.
As a Divorce Coach, I often find that the reasons can be traced back to the early stages of dating, when niggling doubts surfaced but were overlooked. Over time, these same issues are compounded and become intolerable when you face the fact that they are never going to change their ways.
With the recent introduction of the ‘no-fault’ divorce this year, which aims to end the blame-game, there no longer even has to be a reason for the breakdown of a marriage to file for divorce. This is a game-changer and will take the heat, emotion and cost out of the divorce process. Whilst the reasons for a divorce are always unique, here are the most common issues I see cropping up:
1. Infidelity
Sometimes we don’t see this coming and the betrayal hits you like a freight train. For others, they have suspicions about their partner for a while. Either way the destruction of trust is devastating to any relationship and very hard to rebuild once it is gone. It feels like the ultimate betrayal and a clear sign that healthy communication broke down a long time ago. Whilst, it is possible to come back from, for many, this is the moment a spouse decides to officially check out.
2. Abuse
We are seeing a lot of breakups from toxic relationships since the pandemic and domestic abuse support lines saw an increase in calls of over 300%. Domestic abuse varies from physical harm, to emotional abuse and coercive control, which are often much harder to spot. Being a victim of abuse is never your fault and you are not to blame. However, when an unhealthy relationship comes to an end it is important to get the support you need. It can take a while to rebuild self-confidence and learn to trust again. The key is to learn to trust yourself to make better choices in the future and this becomes easier as you learn to spot the signs of abuse to prevent you from repeating the same patterns.
3. Incompatibility
Sometimes the rose-tinted glasses cloud our judgement and we fall in lust rather than love. When the honeymoon period is over, we are left with someone who we just don’t connect with. For others it fizzles over time and, by the time the kids leave home, they are left gazing over the breakfast table at someone they no longer have anything in common with. Marriage therapy could help to get the sparkle back so don’t give up, but also know that sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together.
4. Children
Having children totally shifts the relationship dynamic and can put pressure on the marriage as one partner feels left out or unable to cope with the new changes. Sometimes a difference in parenting styles can drive couples apart as they argue over the best way to bring up the kids. Give each other a break as more often than not you are both doing what you feel is best. Often, we learn parenting styles from our own parents and it isn’t a conscious choice. It can help to discuss calmly what you believe it most important and why and be open to listening to your partner too. Coming to a compromise and also agreeing to have each other’s backs in front of the kids is often a winning strategy.
5. Expectations
It is interesting that many couples spend a long time planning the details of the wedding but little time discussing their expectations of the marriage. It is often assumed that because they are in love that they are on the same page for life goals and how they want to live their lives. Also, life events can change expectations too and when couples are not aligned this can cause cracks to appear. Talking it through and being prepared to compromise will enable you to get back on track. Although be careful not to make sacrifices that you live to regret.
6. Money
This is often a topic that causes disagreement and conflict in a marriage. How (and when) you spend it, save it or make it can easily trigger tension in a marriage. Money can impact lifestyles and security and this can be frightening as it causes a lot of uncertainty. Where couples have fundamentally different risk profiles to money this can be extremely tricky to navigate. It is always helpful to agree budgets in advance and to stick to them, especially around big events like Christmas where financial pressures can be difficult to manage.
7. Lack of communication
Ultimately good communication is essential for any successful relationship. Being able to openly talk to your partner about even the most difficult topics is going to enable you to navigate the challenges as they come up. Remember that your partner may have a different communication style to you – for example they may prefer to leave the room rather than raise their voice whereas you prefer to stay put and shout it out if needed until you find a resolution. Working together and being comfortable to air your different opinions respectfully with the common goal to find a fair resolution will keep your relationship on track. It’s easier said than done so make sure making up is fun too!
8. Lack of intimacy
Dormant bedroom life is a very common factor I see in divorce. It’s the ‘I love you, but I’m not in love with you’ realisation. There is nothing wrong with a dry spell but a lack of physical affection can cause serious disconnect. Over time, this leads to both partners feeling unfulfilled and puts the marriage at risk. All too often this disappears after years of being together so discuss how you can keep this side of your relationship fulfilling for both of you. Remember how it used to be and make time to recreate those moments. Keep the playfulness alive with friendly banter, surprises and lots of laughter.
Whatever happens please know that divorce can be a chance to redesign your life just the way you want it.
With the right help and support you can speed up the process and create a life you love!
CREDIT For 1-2-1 Coaching please visit www.saradavison.com
Want to learn more from Sara? Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin and visit her website.
Sara Davison, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sara Davison, best known as ‘The Divorce Coach’, is an award-winning authority on break-ups, divorce, and life empowerment. She’s the best-kept secret of society’s elite with a client list that spans actors, politicians, and sportsmen from all over the world. A twice bestselling author (Uncoupling, The Split), Sara’s empathetic and holistic coaching style empowers individuals to take back control and positively transform their lives.
