Written by: Dr. Jeni Wahlig, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
We all want to have a good relationship. We want to feel happy, loved, connected, and secure in a lifelong partnership. Yet few of us really know how to create this, especially when our relationships become challenging (as most, at some point, do). By learning just four key things, however, you will be far ahead of the curve and much more likely to have a successful, fulfilling, and lasting love.
1. The Power Formula
One of the most important concepts we teach in our work with couples is something that we call “The Power Formula,” which is this: Awareness = Choice = Power. What this means is that when you have awareness of something, you then have choices about how you want to respond to it. Choices are powerful; they allow you to respond with consciousness and intention, which sets you up for much greater success in achieving the outcomes you desire for your relationship and your life.
Without choice, people are like marionettes–pulled into reactions by fear, defensiveness, and self-protective programming of their nervous systems. These reactions, of course, are not conducive to the connection, collaboration, happiness, and love that you want in your relationship. Without awareness, though,– of how to make sense of a struggle, what is going on within you, what this might be about for your partner, or of effective options for responding– autopilot reactivity is what you’re going to get.
Needless to say, increasing your awareness (and thus your choices) when it comes to your relationship is key to empowering you to consciously create the kind of relationship you want and deserve. Increasing your relational awareness, however, takes active seeking of new information, curiosity about yourself and your partner, and the time to listen, learn, and reflect. Investing in your own relationship growth and learning is perhaps the most important choice you could make in order to have a happy relationship that lasts.
2. The role of your nervous system
Our nervous systems play a huge role in our experience of everyday life, including our relationships. In fact, I would argue that our relationships, more than anything else, trigger and activate our nervous system responses (for better and for worse). Yet rarely do I find that couples know the role their nervous systems play in their experience of their partner or their relationship.
When you are feeling upset or hurt in your relationship, your nervous system has been activated. When you are feeling anxious or insecure, frustrated or infuriated, your nervous system has been activated. If you find yourself shutting down, numbing out, fantasizing about leaving, or wanting to scream and hit and lose your mind, (you guessed it) your nervous system has been activated.
Nervous system activation– from slight discomfort to intense emotional flooding– is at the root of most relationship struggles, including communication! When you start to understand both your own and your partner’s typical nervous system responses, you can start to make empowered choices around how better to respond when one or both of you become activated. This shifts you into greater love, compassion, and grace. It also empowers you to do the work of improving your emotional regulation skills, which, I believe, is at the heart of the most profound relationship transformation.
3. Mindset tools
Your mindset is a set of beliefs that inform how you make sense of the world. Your mindset influences how you perceive or experience your life, including your partner and your relationship. Mindset is important in our relationships because it affects not only how we think and feel about our partner, but it also affects how the relationship unfolds.
Mindset creates a self-reinforcing feedback loop in your life. You see, the way you think about your partner and your relationship determines how you feel about your partner and your relationship. How you are feeling affects how you respond, and how you respond is going to affect what happens next. Not surprisingly, the way your partner responds to the way you just responded (the outcome), is more often than not going to be in alignment with your mindset and expectations. So, by learning the tools to help foster a mindset that is happy, loving, and trusting, you’re much more likely to have experiences in your relationship that reinforce that mindset.
4. The skill of Empowered Accountability
Empowered Accountability is the most important skill you could learn for transforming your relationship and making it extraordinary. At its core, Empowered Accountability is the skill of being able to recognize, own, and attend to the ways that you participate in the creation of your own experiences (as by your mindset, for example). Conceptually, Empowered Accountability recognizes that you have participated in the experience of that which you don’t prefer or are unhappy with and that you have the power to change it. As a skill, it is the ability to remember this and effectively make those changes.
Empowered Accountability is not a skill that people are taught. In fact, it flies in the face of most people’s ideas about what is not working in their relationship, because it turns one’s pointed finger away from their partner as the problem and solution and toward themselves. While that may feel uncomfortable, or you may have some resistance to the idea, know that your truest and greatest power for change lies within the realm of what you can control– namely, you!
Thus, by looking at how you are contributing to what’s not working and changing that, you are instantly improving your relationship! And though it may seem counterintuitive, we have found that when you begin to do your own work and to more consciously create the happy, loving, lifelong relationship that you and your partner desire, they will start to change too. Now, if you’re both doing that work together, you get some real magic happening! The journey is accelerated, and the foundation of love, trust, and conscious relating becomes even stronger.
If you’re ready to take your relationship to the next level so that you can have the happy, loving, and lasting relationship that you both really want and deserve, then you’re ready to become the one. In our Be The One Program digital program, we cover all of the above and more. And if you are looking for a higher level of support, schedule a FREE Relationship Empowerment call, and let’s explore whether our 6-month Be The One coaching program is right for you.
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Dr. Jeni Wahlig, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Jeni Wahlig (she/they) is a transformational relationship coach, licensed couple & family therapist, teacher, author, & public speaker. She identifies as graysexual queer, genderqueer-femme, polyamorous, white, able-bodied, & a parent. Self-proclaimed “relationship nerd,” Jeni has dedicated her career to studying relationships & supporting couples, particularly within the Queer & Trans communities. In partnership with her soulmate, Calvin Osili, Jeni offers critically conscious relationship education & coaching through their business, PowerfuLove. Their mission is to empower couples with the knowledge and skills they need to move beyond struggles & consciously create an extraordinary relationship.
