Written by: Dennaé Dumas, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Many of us have found ourselves caught in relationships that are hard to define. A “situationship,” the space between something more than a causal hook-up and less than an official relationship, is often appealing due to its unpredictable and nebulous nature. The term situationship, created by Carina Hsieh in 2017, speaks to the ambiguous essence of guidelines defining modern relationships. Unlike “friends with benefits,” in which a friendship takes on a sexual component, a situationship is a romantic relationship without clear expectations or lack of commitment. According to Tinder’s 2022 Year in Swipe, users embrace the situationship as a valid relationship style, with members adding it to their profiles and preferring it as a way to develop relationships because there is less pressure. While ultimately, the effects of a situationship are still being determined, the key to this relationship style is that everyone has the same expectation of the arrangement. Relationship problems arise when we are not on the same page as the person we’ve been seeing. Situationships can sometimes make one person happy with the setup while the other secretly hopes for more. So, if you want to avoid a situationship, how do you ensure you are not in one?
Many relationships can start casually only to be one of the most important in our life after a time. And other relationships seem long-lasting but fizzle just as fast as they began. It can be challenging to know where a relationship is going, whether you are determining what you want or have yet to talk to your partner about what they want. Here are five ways to know you're in a situationship and how to change it.
1. Things are not defined between you
A hallmark sign that you are in a relationship is the actual act of defining what that is. While having the conversation, “What are we?” can be challenging to bring up, it is crucial to every serious relationship. It establishes the connection, sets expectations, and allows each person to discuss their boundaries. For some people, not having a defined relationship works for them; however, a situationship can be painful and reinforce feelings of abandonment for others. Research has shown that casual sex and undefined relationships can hurt mental health. Some people experience increased anxiety, depression, or lower self-esteem when in a vague or confusing relationship.
A way to avoid noncommittal relationships is always to discuss expectations. Be honest about your feelings and transparent with your intentions. Situationships work for some people but not others, especially those working on developing a secure attachment style.
2. There is no consistency in the relationship
Lack of consistency is a huge sign that you might be in a situationship. If you have been seeing someone for a significant amount of time, but you don’t know when you will see them next, how long they will take to return a text, or if they are going to come to planned events with you, it can be a sign of their investment in the relationship. In formal relationships, one should be able to see and talk to their partner regularly. Building emotional intimacy and rapport within a relationship takes time and investment. If none of those things are happening, it could be a sign that the relationship is not moving forward.
If you want a more significant commitment in the relationship, ask for what you want. Sharing what you would want from a relationship puts everything in the open. If the other person also wants the same thing, then great! If they do not want the same thing as you, you can move on and find someone who does. Remember that you deserve to be in the type of relationship that best suits you.
3. In situationship there is no talk of the future
In most significant relationships, there are discussions about integrating partners’ lives. There is some future planning for people in a relationship, whether just a couple of weeks, months, or long-term. This could look like planning a trip, getting a pet, going to a future event, moving in together, or settling down to have a family. Situationships are often about convenience and limit discussions about the future. Although most relationships are about convenience to some degree, like living in the same city or having similar friend groups, with situationships, invites are last minute or random and lack any planning.
If you are not being prioritized in a relationship, speak up. Don’t spend time with the other person without being clear about your needs. If those needs include future planning to respect your time, then letting that person know is essential.
4. Conversations stay superficial
In most situationships, communication tends to stay surface level. Often, people experience closeness in a serious relationship when they are having deep conversations about fears, insecurities, past relationships, hopes, dreams, and desires. Because in most situationships, it’s about getting needs met in the short term, the focus isn’t necessarily on developing an emotional connection. This doesn’t negate real feelings of sadness that occur when someone ends a situationship. It is common for people to be emotionally invested even if that connection was not developed. This comes because the ambiguity of this type of relationship could be enticing. You never know where this relationship is headed, which can be fun. However, it can end quickly with being ghosted or even blocked on social media, making the volatile aspect of it painful.
Don’t wait until you have developed intense feelings to let the other person know. Checking in constantly with the person to see if you are on the same page can reduce the feelings of being blind-sided when the relationship ends abruptly.
5. You have yet to meet their friends or family
As most relationships develop, partners introduce each other to their friends and sometimes family. When someone makes you a priority in their life, they introduce you to the people most important to them. This is often a sign that the relationship is progressing, and they would like you to be in their life for a significant amount of time. If you have been dating someone and they avoid introducing you to their friends, it could be a sign that they are not taking the relationship seriously. There should be a natural evolution of a relationship. If you feel stuck and are not hitting specific critical junctures in the relationship, it could be a sign that you are in a situationship.
Communication is vital in any partnership. If you are not meeting someone’s friends or family, and it is something you want, ask them where they think things are going. Be honest with yourself about what you are looking for in a relationship. If you want commitment, actively approaching your relationships will ensure you get what you want.
People who like situationships benefit from a romantic relationship without the commitment or the label. This relationship style is gaining popularity because of its flexible and undefined manner. While they work for some, they can incite anxiety, lower self-worth, and depression in others. The key is knowing what you ultimately want and being unapologetic in asking for it. Communication and shared expectations are the cornerstone of making relationships work. If you wish to have an official committed relationship, some people want the same thing, and you deserve to find them.
Dennaé Dumas, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dennaé has a background as a performing artist and a trained ballet dancer. She understands the necessity of the mind-body connection for a thriving sex life. Dennaé’s practice has an emphasis on compassionate care, developing rapport that aligns with client needs and promoting cultural competency, inclusivity, and sex positivity. Dennaé is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in sex therapy, with degrees from UNC, Université de Lyon 3, and Columbia University, where she received her MBA & MSW.
