Sheryl Maharaj is well-recognised globally as a Relationship Consultant, specialising in multifaceted workplace dynamics and interpersonal relationships, with a unique focus on breaking patterns for transformative change. Sheryl integrates her love for ancient traditions and science-based methodology in human development for meaningful results.
Words can uplift others in moments of fear or knock someone down out of spite. Just like a magical wound, words turned into an expression can save lives. We shape our conversations and create meaningful connections and lives with the choice of powerful words.
I cannot think of anything more fulfilling than choosing words that can remove walls, turn around sticky situations, comfort another in distress, get to the root cause of a problem, change behaviour, facilitate growth and development, shift emotions, lighten moments, share the load, exchange ideas, create vision statements, tell stories and express gratitude.
In many instances and not always consciously, we choose destructive words in the heat of the moment, comparing ourselves with others, feeling envious, patterns of criticising, using our status or power over others, feeling frustrated or incompetent, crushing competitiveness, hiding behind shame or perfectionism, jealousy by judging others.
Our saving grace will be the follow-up conversation with words. This time we repair the divide and hurt by replacing the destructive words with new ones that provide medicine to nourish inwardly and outwardly.
Constructive or critical
Constructive feedback is just criticism if done incorrectly.
The word feedback makes me react the same way to an invitation to watch a horror movie. This sense of doom and antsy to run for the hills or scratch my head for an excuse to avoid the invitation at all costs.
Feedback provided in performance reviews in the workplace, to friends and family overstepping boundaries or strangers pushing in line to get on the train, is a great time to remember the power of words.
Destructive words cause shame, blame and hurt. It can bring others down with inappropriate humour, passive remarks, undermining confidence, violating boundaries, deflecting truth, breaking confidence and trust, and dismissing and fault-finding attacks.
Words impact our well-being, have great healing power, and assist in recovery or the desired connection, intention and outcome. Constructive feedback radically changes any situation and environment.
Have you ever noticed how another person receives your feedback?
Take a moment to notice the reaction. Powerful words make others radiate. Watch their eyes light up, body tension ease, silky smooth breathing, wider smile, willingness to engage and listen and walk away from the discussion with much more energy.
If you intend to deliver difficult messages, reflect on your words, tone and body language.
Check in to see if your intention and message align. Hiding behind critical and destructive feedback and calling it constructive lacks courage and integrity.
It is human nature to take things personally and react directly or indirectly. Feedback can feel like it undermines confidence, is insincere, shaming or untrustworthy. Universally, we are indifferent to other people's experiences until the shoe is on the other foot.
Myth busting
Myth on feedback to motivate performance
Breaking down people with critical words never builds the individual, team, organisation, community, family or relationship, you desire.
Leaders, teams, parents, professionals and individuals fuel the critical approach to motivating behaviour and performance. This may initially motivate behaviour in the short term until you are met with a never-ending pattern in the second, third or fourth conversation. The problem or situation remains or worsens over time.
People remember how we make them feel. Let’s up-level feedback and performance with powerful words and sincere intentions.
Humans track their environment every moment as safe or unsafe, warm or cold, nurturing or dismissive, responsive or heartless, trusting or disingenuous.
Change is not transformative if the motivation is destructive in the long run. Motivating performance through feedback with fear, comparison, force, pressure and put-downs eventually dismantles our health, relationships and well-being.
Myth of separation
The art of meaningful feedback is to focus on the behaviour, not the person.
The behaviour and person cannot be separated. The person is responsible for the behaviour and the one receiving the feedback. We cannot separate the behaviour from the person. The decision to behave in a certain way comes from the person. This does not mean the person is unworthy of compassion. It asks that we look at the person's situation as a whole and recognise that there may be other things happening for this person that we know nothing about. This may be the root cause of the behaviour.
No one is willing to change at the drop of a hat or proclaim mea culpa. To change behaviour with feedback, realise the person needs to take ownership. If we are not ready for change, no amount of forcing, pushing, demanding, or imposing will move the individual forward internally or externally on their own accord. What are the chances that the person can change? In some circumstances, change may never be able to take shape.
Think about change from start to finish. Several steps are required between the intention and the new outcome. The middle is where the magic takes place. Your words can make or break the middle part of this progress reaching new growth. In the effort to force immediate change, we do ourselves a disservice. Instead allow time to shape this space and encouraging words to sustain transformation and connection.
Unless we trust and respect the person providing feedback and are capable and willing to change, we may find ourselves half-heartedly agreeing to results. Sooner or later repeating the same pattern and back to square one.
Perfectionism and feedback
Imagine providing feedback to someone who thrives on perfectionism. Feedback on improvement may be perceived as incapable and lacking. The approval and validation eagerly sourced from perfectionist performance will now seem like a criticism.
Without awareness, perfectionism and feedback cannot coexist. It breaks the pattern of feeling in control. An image of perfection stands on shaky ground without being in control.
On the flip side, if the person providing feedback is seen as perfect in all regards, sitting on a pedal stool without human flaws, it may feel difficult to measure up to this person or can leave you feeling inadequate.
We can use our experience and storytelling capabilities to provide feedback to make the desired connection and change.
Creative solutions
Lasting change requires feedback intertwined with emotional resonance and storytelling.
Disregarding the potency of words, actions or non-actions and projecting our insecurities on others with feedback will feel like pulling teeth.
The words we use and the energy we share may or may not resonate with everyone. You get to decide how you would like to shape the conversation. Powerful words leave people curious, open to learning, inspired, energised, recognised, seen and heard.
Find creative ways to provide feedback that empowers lasting change. Reengage with storytelling, real-life examples or simple gestures that resonate with others for momentum and forward movement.
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Read more from Sheryl Maharaj
Sheryl Maharaj, Relationship Consultant And Founder, Nourish
Sheryl Maharaj is well-recognised globally as a Relationship Consultant And Founder, Nourish. Her services aim to bring awareness to the forefront for individuals, team and organisations with pragmatic tools for moving through conflict, breaking patterns, creating connection, mastering effective communication and decision-making and maintaining sustainable change. She has a background in human development, conflict resolution, polyvagal/nervous system integration and transformative change.
