Written by: Anne Hellgren, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Sometimes we need to understand that we are not where we want to be because we have not accepted that we deserve better than where we are. This is the first step to an extraordinary life!
When I was 18 years old, I experienced my first physically abusive relationship. While it was a horrific experience to go through, domestic violence was unfortunately not new to me.
I grew up in a culture and time where domestic violence was all too prevalent.
But this way of so-called ‘disciplining’ or ‘punishing wrong behavior’ was not just in the homes but also in schools. Teachers were allowed to beat the children as a form of punishment even for the smallest acts like talking in class. Hell, everyone was allowed to beat us kids. If you were caught doing something wrong by your family members or even neighbors, you’d get a whooping real fast. And you would keep it to yourself! Telling your parents ensured you a second round of whooping, after all, you must have been doing something wrong in the first place.
So fast forward to adulthood and it’s not difficult to see why people exist in abusive relationships longer than they should. Or how they are in them, to begin with.
But for anyone reading this, I want to share that you deserve better. And it’s not just for those in an abusive relationship! It’s for anyone who has that gut feeling that they have sold themselves short in their relationship! If this is you, or someone you know, keep reading!
After years of therapy, counseling, personal development retreats, workshops, books, and courses, you name it, I realized why I had that pattern. There were 5 key things I needed to work on. I did the work on myself and now help my clients do the same.
I want to share these with you and I promise you, if you work on getting these 5 things right, you will transform who you are, how you value yourself, and how you make your life choices!
First, is your sense of self-worth! Learn to have a sense of self-worth that goes deeper than just your confidence levels. Why? Because your confidence is affected by external factors – your self-worth is not. Get this right and no matter what’s thrown your way, you’ll be in a position to handle it in the short and long term.
Second, is the ability to get very clear on who you authentically are. I believe self-awareness is key in showing up to life on your terms, minus the programming we don’t want to inherit from society, religion, upbringing, etc. Master the ability to know what you stand for, your values, your wants, needs, and as well as what you want to repel! Ps. The knock-on effect goes well beyond your relationships and into ALL areas of your life when you unlock what your true authentic self looks like. You might also notice you start to give less of a rat's tail to people and things that aren’t for you… Priceless benefit!
Third, get your communication skills on par with Baraka Obama. Just kidding… but on a serious note, you must learn to express yourselves in a manner that serves your happiness and connection as a couple. No more silence when you should be speaking up for yourself. No more boundaries being broken constantly. No more negative self-talk. And more healthy and effective ways to communicate so we create a safe and loving environment in our relationships where everyone can speak their truth without shame, judgment, or repercussions.
Fourth, let’s connect on deeper levels if we truly want a deep and lasting relationship. This means allowing for emotional connection even when it feels vulnerable and scary. This means a physical connection that goes beyond sex. This means a spiritual connection where you share what matters to you both, now and in your future. Listen, if you’re not checking in with each other's future goals often enough, you may just find yourselves heading towards different futures.
Last but not least, create a mindset that empowers you as an individual! Yes, you got love for your boo, but ultimately, you must love yourself too! This is not about being selfish or arrogant. Having self-love allows you to love others with the grace, patience, forgiveness, kindness, and understanding that you would also like afforded back to you. After all, it’s hard to give others something we don’t have within us.
So dear reader, if you find that you are constantly feeling like you’ve settled or have been settling, take a moment to ask yourself how you rate on a scale of 1-10 on the above 5 points. What do you need to work on? What choices would you make if you were on an 8 or higher on that rating? It all starts with you, but please remember that you were made to live a happy abundantly joyful life. Don’t sell yourself short of what God has planned for you!
If you want to know more, please book a call using this link for a complimentary coaching call. You can also check out my Podcast, “The Love You Want – It starts with you!” on all major podcast platforms or my website. Details are in my profile bio.
Stay blessed and remember what you truly deserve!
Anne Hellgren, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Anne is the Founder of Anne Hellgren Coaching, a Relationship Expert, Certified Coach, Board Member & Podcast Host. She helps people live fulfilled, successful, and joyful lives through their relationship with themselves and others.
Her expertise has helped her clients to gain the Confidence, Clarity, Communication, Connections, and Mindset that have changed their relationships and many other areas of their lives. Her Podcast 'The Love You Want – It starts with you', has a global audience and is ranked as one of the most shared podcasts globally by Spotify.
Anne works with her clients on a deep level because she has experienced most of what she helps others through. Her own life experiences of past bad, abusive, and toxic relationships, as well as a contentious divorce, provide a level of understanding and empathy that is much valued by those she helps. She has combined her life experiences with her qualifications, that is, an MSc in Occupational & Organisational Psychology, a BSc in Counselling Psychology, NLP, and Time-Line Therapy practices, amongst other qualifications, to create very impactful and empowering coaching programs. Being able to create bespoke programs for her client's exact needs is one of her many areas of expertise.
