Melanie Bonk, hailed as a “sexpert” and “tantric mystic,” helps individuals and couples unlock deeper intimacy, connection, and pleasure. With over 25 years of lived experience and expertise rooted in Somatic Trauma Therapy, modern neuroscience, and ancient wisdom, she creates transformative spaces for rapid, lasting change.
While lounging on a beach chair during a rare kid-free vacation, I turned to my partner and said, “I have a raging lady boner right now, what should we do about that?”
As someone who guides folks in sexual liberation and empowerment, the question sparked a deeper curiosity: Why isn’t there a widely recognized equivalent term for the female expansion of erectile tissue?
We often associate terms like “boner” or “erection” exclusively with penises. Yet, as sex researcher and educator Dr. Emily Nagoski explains, “We are all made of the same parts, organized in different ways.” All bodies contain spongy erectile tissue that becomes engorged with blood during arousal.
So why is there no female equivalent to a hard-on, a woodie, or a stiffy?
The answer lies in centuries of marginalization of women's experiences, along with the deep-rooted entanglement of female pleasure with shame, repression, control, and disempowerment. These stories, not lies, continue to perpetuate in society today, with neglect, underfunding, and devaluing of women’s health, research, education, and care. It’s time to challenge these outdated narratives, embrace a fuller understanding of women's anatomy, and celebrate the beauty and power of the vulva.
The lady boner’s stunning transformation
With the marvelous folds and patting of internal layers, “vulva chubs” can be more subtle and nuanced compared to the male counterpart. During sexual arousal, blood flows into the “love muff,” creating an expansion of the two different types of erectile tissue.
The primary erectile tissue in the “her-ection” is the corpus cavernosa, and when turned on, the small yet mighty pleasurable clitoris, housing more than 10,000 nerve endings designed specifically for pleasure, fills with blood and can double, even TRIPLE, in size. The vestibular bulbs, or clitoral bulbs, engorge and elongate around the vaginal walls flanking the urethra. When this spongy tissue becomes erect, the vulva begins to expand outward.
In this swole state of stimulation, sensations increase, touch becomes more pleasurable, and with the labia minora increasing considerably in thickness, the vaginal entrance expands and begs for consensual penetration.
And here’s a fun bonus fact: No two vulvas are alike. Each powerful puss is uniquely magnificent and a testament to the diversity and power of feminine pleasure.
5 sexpert tips to harness the full lady boner
As a Somatic Sexuality & Relationship Coach, here are my 5 sexpert tips to help harness the heated harmony of desire, arousal, and turn-on for vulva-owners to reach a full “vulva-on” and experience extraordinary full-body pleasure:
1. Awaken your skin
Your entire body is wired for pleasure! Before diving into the main event, explore every inch of your skin with different strokes, pressures, and textures. Turn touch into a full-body awakening before focusing on the “coochie rocket.”
2. Take your time
Foreplay isn’t optional, it’s essential. A study of 1,000 women found that foreplay averaged just 5 to 9 minutes, while sex lasted 10 to 14 minutes, far too brief for most vulva owners to experience the full sexual response cycle. Some vulvas need up to 45 minutes of delicious, decadent, dedicated arousal time to reach “the full peach.” Savor the journey and watch the magic unfold.
3. Create a pleasure haven
Sexual arousal goes far beyond touch, it’s sparked by thoughts, words, sights, smells, and tastes. Transform your space into a temple of desire: soft fabrics, flickering candles, sensual oils, and your favorite toys. Take it up a notch by creating a sex altar that’s tailored to what turns you on.
As a mama of four, my ritual space is sacred, clean, free of family or kid photos, and filled with sexy boudoir shots of me and my boo. This sensual, very intentional vibe lets me leave the everyday behind and fully embrace my inner sex goddess. Music is a must-have for setting the mood. Check out one of my favorite pleasure playlists here.
4. Master orgasmic breath
Your breath is your pleasure superpower. Inhale deeply into your pleasure zones to boost blood flow, amplify sensations, and even unlock no-touch orgasms. If you tend to get stuck in your head during sex, start by focusing on your breath, directing it right into your “kinky twinkie.” Ready to try it? Click here.
5. Heart connection
True pleasure starts within. By opening emotionally and physically, we create space for authentic, deep intimacy that goes beyond surface sensations. A deep heart-centered connection releases feel-good hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins, enhancing pleasure and leading to a more fulfilling and rewarding experience. Start by cultivating self-love with this downloadable meditation and deepen your heart connection with your partner through this bonkilicous experience!
Start with the tip that feels the most delicious to you and let me know how it goes! I’d love to hear how it goes and what your favorite "gauc the tac" name is, reach out and share it with me! Together, we can create more play, passion, & pleasure in your life.
Melanie Bonk, Somatic Sexuality and Relationship Coach
Melanie Bonk, hailed as a “sexpert” and “tantric mystic,” helps individuals and couples unlock deeper intimacy, connection, and pleasure. As a certified Somatic Sexuality & Relationship Coach with over 25 years in a passionate partnership, she combines lived experience with training in Somatic Trauma Therapy and from the VITA™ Institute to create a transformative healing space, blending modern neuroscience with ancient wisdom for rapid, lasting change. Melanie guides couples to elevate communication and passion while empowering individuals to reclaim self-love and embodied pleasure. Ready to awaken your desires? Click here to explore more PLAY, PASSION, and PLEASURE.
