Cindy Benning is passionate about elevating the quality of leadership in our world. She founded Dragonfly Insights, a company dedicated to empowering leaders through coaching and teaching five BRAVE® virtues designed to propel organizations into excellence.
You're stuck in traffic, running late for an important meeting. You feel your frustration rising, and your initial reaction is to get angry, curse, or stress out. Your inner voice is working hard. What do you do?
Negative inner voice (unregulated)
"This is ridiculous! Why does this always happen to me? I'm going to be late, and they'll think I'm unprofessional." This escalates stress and frustration.
Regulated inner voice (supportive)
Okay, I can’t control the traffic, but I can control how I react. I’ll take a few deep breaths, notify them that I’m running behind, and use this time to prepare mentally for the meeting." This calms you down, helping you shift focus from frustration to problem-solving.
Our inner voice is a constant companion, narrating our thoughts, helping us make decisions, and shaping our perception of ourselves and the world. Depending on how we engage with it, it can be a powerful ally or a relentless critic. This article explores the dual nature of our inner dialogue, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and how we can harness its power for personal growth.
The good: A guide and mentor
When our inner voice is constructive, it serves as a guide and motivator. It helps us reflect on past experiences, make informed decisions, and prepare for future challenges. Ethan Kross, in his book Chatter, highlights several benefits of a well-managed inner dialogue:
Self-reflection & problem-solving: Our inner voice allows us to analyze situations, learn from past mistakes, and develop strategies for success. For example, after a difficult presentation at work, your inner voice helps you evaluate what went well and what can be improved next time.
Emotional regulation: It helps us process emotions, giving us the ability to navigate difficulties with resilience. When facing criticism, a constructive inner voice might remind you that feedback is an opportunity to grow rather than a personal attack.
Memory & learning: Repeating information mentally reinforces learning and improves recall. Students preparing for an exam might use their inner voice to rehearse key concepts and definitions.
Motivation & performance: Acting as an internal coach, it encourages us to stay focused and push through challenges. During a marathon, an inner voice saying, "You've trained for this. Keep going!" can help a runner push past fatigue.
Social connection: Our inner voice helps us anticipate conversations, practice responses, and confidently navigate social dynamics. Before a job interview, you might mentally rehearse your answers to common questions to boost confidence.
The bad: Overthinking and self-doubt
While our inner voice can be helpful, it can also become a source of overthinking and self-criticism. When left unchecked, it can lead to:
Rumination: Getting stuck in repetitive negative thoughts that prevent progress. For instance, replaying a past mistake over and over without reaching a resolution.
Self-doubt: Questioning our abilities and worth, leading to hesitation and missed opportunities. Someone may hesitate to apply for a promotion because their inner voice keeps saying, "You're not good enough."
Fear-based thinking: Catastrophizing situations and imagining worst-case scenarios. Before making a public speech, your inner voice might say, "What if I completely forget what to say and embarrass myself?"
Comparison & perfectionism: Setting unrealistic standards based on others’ perceived success, causing dissatisfaction and stress. Scrolling through social media and thinking, "Everyone is doing better than me," can create an unhealthy cycle of comparison.
Managing the bad
To keep your inner voice from spiraling into self-doubt and overthinking, consider these strategies:
Reframe negative thoughts: Challenge unhelpful narratives and replace them with balanced, rational perspectives. Instead of "I'm terrible at this," try "I'm still learning and improving."
Recognize the belief behind the thought: Every thought stems from a belief. Identifying whether that belief is rational or irrational helps in managing how we respond. For example, "I always fail" might stem from an irrational belief that past setbacks define future outcomes.
Question the thought: Not every thought needs to be acted upon. Ask yourself if the thought is based on reality or if it's an irrational fear or assumption. "Do I really always fail, or have I succeeded before?"
Set time limits on reflection: Allow yourself a designated time to process concerns, then shift focus to actionable steps. "I'll think about this for ten minutes, then move on to a solution."
Use journaling: Writing thoughts down can help declutter your mind and bring clarity. Jotting down worries can provide perspective and help in finding patterns.
Practice gratitude: Redirect attention toward positive aspects of your life to counteract negative spirals. Listing three things you're grateful for daily can shift focus from anxiety to appreciation.
Limit exposure to triggers: Identify situations, people, or environments that amplify self-doubt, and minimize their impact where possible. If certain social media accounts make you feel inadequate, consider unfollowing them.
The ugly: The destructive inner critic
At its worst, our inner voice can become a destructive force, leading to mental and emotional distress. This is when the voice turns into relentless self-criticism, fueling anxiety, depression, and a sense of unworthiness. Signs of a toxic inner voice include:
Extreme self-criticism: Constantly berating oneself for mistakes, leading to low self-esteem. "I always mess up. I'm a failure."
Paralysis by analysis: Overanalyzing every decision to the point of inaction. "What if I make the wrong choice? Maybe I should do more research before deciding."
Negative identity formation: Internalizing failures and setbacks as defining characteristics. "I failed at this, so I must be a failure."
Turning chatter into a constructive inner voice
The key to managing our inner voice lies in recognizing when it shifts from helpful to harmful and implementing strategies to reframe it:
Practice self-compassion: Speak to yourself as you would to a friend, replacing harsh criticism with encouragement. "Everyone makes mistakes. I can learn from this and move forward."
Gain perspective: Distance yourself from negative thoughts by viewing them as temporary and not absolute truths. "This setback is just one moment in my journey, not my entire story."
Use positive self-talk: Replace negative inner dialogue with affirmations and constructive feedback. "I am capable, and I have handled challenges before."
Engage in mindfulness: Staying present prevents the mind from getting lost in spirals of overthinking. Focusing on the present moment, rather than worrying about the future, helps ease anxiety.
Identify and challenge beliefs: Question whether your inner voice is responding based on a rational or irrational belief, and adjust your response accordingly. "Is this thought based on facts or just fear?"
Seek external support: Talking to a mentor, coach, or therapist can help bring clarity and balance. An external perspective can help reframe internal narratives.
Our inner voice is neither inherently good nor bad; it is how we engage with it that determines its impact. By learning to harness its strengths while managing its pitfalls, we can turn it into a powerful tool for personal growth and well-being.
Cindy Benning, Leadership Development Consultant
Cindy Benning has a unique ability to turn chaos into calm. Her extensive career, characterized by continuous education, leadership, and coaching, has equipped her with robust strategies to navigate myriad challenges professionally and personally. Her 2022 publication, "Being BRAVE®, A Journey of Self-Discovery into Leadership," tells the story of how she came to develop insights into managing the stories we tell ourselves to reveal our true selves. Only then can we learn to lead and live with joy and authenticity.
