Naomi specializes in helping teens tackle negative behavioral patterns, addictions, anxiety and depression. Her passion for youth and family well-being led her to establish Teen Rockstar Entrepreneur, offering vital life skills for success. Alongside this initiative, she organizes community events & hosts the Teen Rockstar Entrepreneur podcast.
As a coach, mentor, and advocate for youth and families, I became deeply concerned and curious about the rising levels of anxiety and depression among kids and teens. Despite the presence of counselors in every school and over 30% of kids receiving some form of therapy or medication, these issues continue to escalate. It made me question if our current approach is truly effective or if it’s inadvertently contributing to the problem.
Many people benefit from therapy, and there are numerous individuals who are great candidates for it. However, making individual therapy the norm has become akin to having a gym membership—it’s almost a given. The truth is, individual therapy can sometimes intensify negative feelings, especially for kids and teens. This article delves into why this is happening and explores the impact on our youth.
Moving beyond therapy’s comfort zone
I remember when I was in therapy, all the questions centered around my negative experiences—my family, relationships, and childhood. Until then, I had never really dwelled on any of that. Initially, I felt relieved because here was someone telling me that nothing was my fault and that everything that had happened to me in the past was why I was in the situation I was in. I didn’t have to look in the mirror and admit that I was terrified of the mountain I had to climb. It became my scapegoat.
The reason I sought out a therapist in the first place was because I was struggling to get back to work after seven years of surgeries, hospitalizations, and being bedridden. Initially, I thought therapy was helping me because I felt better when I left the office. But all I had done was purge myself of every complaint that filled my head, with no resolution. Hours later, I felt miserable again.
“Emotions are highly reactive to our attention to them”
I wore every label I was given with pride: PTSD, OCD, ADHD, manic depression, etc. I was so bought into this identity that within two years, I developed chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, and even began having epileptic seizures.
I was never told to accept responsibility for my behavior and lack of personal responsibility, nor was I given any strategies to deal with my negative emotions. Everyone just kept trying to make me more comfortable through my obvious decline.
When I began piecing my life together through personal development, I noticed similar patterns in today's youth—their symptoms, their approach to life, and the solutions they were being given. This is when it dawned on me: for those who are not genuinely mentally ill but are simply negative-minded and struggling to cope, like many children today, therapy can do more harm than good.
From the horse's mouth
A survey by Politico involving 1,400 clinicians highlighted key factors contributing to the youth mental health crisis:
Many children lack the cognitive flexibility to adjust to changes in their environment.
College admission pressures are another significant factor.
The anxiety adults have about teens, which causes teens to lose confidence in themselves.
Families do not have the bandwidth to address mental health issues outside of school.
Fear of trying new things and the ability to fail - was the number one concern, cited by 82% of clinicians.
Here is what Politico learned from this survey: More than half of the mental health professionals who responded to our survey said they were not happy with the resources they currently have to address mental health issues in children and teens.
Despite these findings, the proposed solution is to make therapy more accessible to more teenagers. But if therapy isn't working for those currently receiving it, how will expanding it to more kids produce different results?
The therapy trap: Children and the cycle of rumination
Therapy, when not tailored correctly, can inadvertently reinforce a negative mindset. By constantly focusing on problems, it can prevent impressionable youth from recognizing their own agency and potential for change. This emphasis on negative emotions often leads to rumination, which has significant implications for how we approach mental health, especially in younger populations.
It's evident that these children crave executive functioning skills such as resilience, self-discipline, emotional regulation, communication, and socialization. According to studies and observations from psychiatrists, traditional therapy often falls short for kids. This research clearly indicates that most children and teens aren't in need of therapy alone; what they truly need is personal development and skill-building.
The role of personal development in a child's life
Nothing can replace teaching children how to take responsibility, build resilience, and develop new strategies to change negative behavior. By focusing on empowering them to overcome challenges rather than merely coping with them, we can foster a generation that is strong, resilient, and equipped to handle life's adversities.
Personal development is based on action orientation; instead of submerging into emotions, it promotes getting into solution mode and developing critical thinking skills to address what needs to be done. Most importantly, personal development helps children self-regulate, which is crucial for their overall well-being.
The insights I've gained from my personal experience, combined with my work with youth and families, have led me to believe that while therapy has its place, it must be complemented with a focus on personal growth and resilience-building. This balanced approach can provide youth with the tools needed to navigate life's challenges and emerge stronger on the other side.
The connection between mindset & achievement
There is a powerful connection between mindset and achievement. When students believe they can learn a given subject, even a difficult one, they stick with it longer and perform better than if they believe they can't learn or are "just bad at it." This concept, known as a "growth mindset," links success with hard work and perseverance and contributes to improved student outcomes.
Medicine already recognizes the persuasive power of beliefs. Pediatrician Laura Mueller has found that children with Type I diabetes and a fixed mindset about their health—a belief that their health can't or won't change—have higher glucose levels than children with a growth mindset. Additionally, usually healthy kids who develop a short-term disease are less vulnerable to it years later if they have a growth mindset compared to those with a fixed one.
Humans are a resilient species, and just as we have overcome great challenges in the past, our younger generations need to learn to benefit from the comforts of the modern world while building the life skills to succeed in it. This is what should be included in every school curriculum.
The bottom line is that teaching your children a growth mindset will be advantageous to every aspect of their lives.
Parents role in their children’s mental health
The goal of a parent: Guide and empower
Parents need to understand that the role of most therapy is not to solve problems but to offer support. Parents can no longer outsource the mentoring of their children to therapists, teachers, or schools because the current approaches are not producing satisfactory results. Teachers nowadays are forced to wear many hats, and most are tired and overworked. Many complain that a lot of their stress comes from parents expecting them to act as surrogate parents.
Many parents often ask me what to do in certain scenarios or how to influence their child's behavior. My response can be difficult for some to hear, but the key to resolving these issues lies within ourselves. Often, the behaviors we observe in our children are a reflection of our own actions. Children learn more from our example than from what we tell them.
The biggest gift we can give ourselves, our partner, our children, and the world is to take care of our healing and personal development. This is how we can show up as our best selves in every situation, especially with our kids.
Parenting can be very hard but also very healing. It is a second opportunity to reparent our own inner child. Even when we try to hide our wounds, insecurities, and fears, they show up in our parenting and communication with our family.
Our unresolved past shows up in our reactions. Reparenting ourselves offers a transformative method for healing the wounds caused by insecure attachments to our childhood caregivers. By consciously engaging with the trauma of our past and leaning into what it was genuinely like for us as a child, we embark on a journey of self-healing and empowerment.
Through this inner work, we become our own nurturing parent by learning strategies of self-love, self-nurturing, and self-protection. Reparenting allows us to break free from the cycle of seeking external validation and instead cultivate a deep sense of self-trust and inner resilience while simultaneously nurturing healthier and more intimate relationships with our children.
The more we show up calm, consistent, in control, and in the spirit of love and collaboration, the more our relationship with our children will improve, along with their behavior. This is how we step up our parenting game and positively impact our child's educational, psychological, and emotional needs.
Understanding the common unmet needs in childhood
Here are the 5 most common unmet needs in childhood:
Emotional Validation
Unconditional Love and Acceptance
Physical Safety and Security
Stability and Consistency
Empathy and Understanding
The unfortunate reality is that many parents struggle to sufficiently meet their children's emotional needs because they themselves were never given that support. It’s challenging to provide what you have never received, especially without proper guidance. This is why relationships, particularly those with our children, can be so difficult.
Unmet needs, emotional wounds, and stagnant energy contribute to the sense of effort in our relationships. It's not always that the other person did something wrong. In the book “The Emotion Code,” Nelson writes, “Each trapped emotion resides in a specific location in the body, vibrating at its own particular frequency.” This may cause you to attract more of that emotion, creating a build- up or blockage.
Our repressed negative emotional energy can express as:
Resentment
Poor decision-making
Self-sabotage
Overreaction
Blame-casting
Increased stress and anxiety
Depression
Fatigue
It’s essential that parents enjoy mental and physical wellbeing and promote that to their children. Sometimes, it just takes paying attention to how we’re feeling and seeing if we’re up to the task, or need to take a break and pick it up later.
Good parenting is about balancing yourself. Making sure that you’re okay so that you can show up as your best self for your kids.
Consider beginning your self-care journey with short and long-term self-care goals. Once you have those established, you can create family-care plans, such as helping everyone connect emotionally or communicate effectively.
The best way to bring your family together is by having a family meeting. Every family member can call a family meeting whenever they want to discuss or negotiate anything. Family meetings also teach children how to speak up.
Family meetings provide a structure in which connection, encouragement, and problem solving come together in as little as 20-30 minutes per week.
They provide a designated and reliable space and time to bond as a family; offering space and time to celebrate as well as problem solve individual and family issues; helping children to feel a sense of belonging and importance. It offers parents a platform to share family values; offering children a chance to learn and practice listening and problem solving skills as well as offering a space and time for families to coordinate schedules.
They offer families the opportunity to share in the joys and fun of being a family; and so much more. If you would like to get started on your family meetings and would like a guide on how to identify what challenges to address, what goals to prioritize and grow as a family here is a complimentary “Family Meeting Planner” to start you on your journey.
Final thoughts
Understanding your child's mental health is crucial in providing the support they need. While therapy can be beneficial, it's essential to recognize that it may not always be the right fit, especially if it inadvertently reinforces a negative mindset. Instead, focusing on personal development and skill-building can empower children with the tools they need to thrive.
As a parent, your own healing journey is equally important. By addressing your unmet needs and fostering personal growth, you can better support your child and model resilience and emotional regulation.
For mothers seeking support on their healing journey or those who want to start but need guidance, consider joining our TRE Mom Community. It's a compassionate platform where you can connect with other moms, share insights, and grow together. The best part? The first month is free. Join us and take the first step towards a healthier, happier family.
Read more from Naomi Nye
Naomi Nye, Family Coach Youth Mindset Entrepreneurship
Naomi Nye is a leading authority in personal development, specializing as a family coach for mothers and youth seeking guidance when their teens are grappling with life pressures, addiction, or impulsive behavior. Inspired by her own challenging upbringing and subsequent journey of healing, Naomi recognized the crucial importance of coping skills in navigating life's adversities. Motivated by this insight, she founded the Teen Rockstar Entrepreneur Organization and Foundation, where she serves as CEO, alongside hosting the Teen Rockstar Entrepreneur Podcast.
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