Research on the incidence of post-separation abuse has revealed that up to 90% of women experience it, despite the widespread belief that everything is fine once you leave an abuser. Ten months after I finally ended my nine-year marriage, I suffered my worst assault, so I can definitely empathise. What did I do wrong? I asked him to spend time with the children. In response, he literally threw me out of the house after pushing me against a wall and putting his hand around my neck in front of my kids.
Around that time, I think I truly began to recognise his actions as abusive. The neglect of the children ultimately prompted my decision to leave after years of emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, social, and occasionally physical abuse. However, this assault felt like an unprecedented low.
You see, I can't really say that the person I married was a husband because, in retrospect, I realise that his control, which I mistakenly believed was protective, was really just a substitute for a narcissistic mother. At the time, it appeared secure and comfortable because that's what I was used to. Once you fall victim to a narcissist, it's already too late; they've already laid the foundation. They play the long game, patiently waiting and absorbing every bit of information to create their very own library of your weaknesses, keeping them hidden until they can use them against you to achieve their goals.
He had manipulated not just me but also other "professionals" who had been brought in during the seven years I spent in the legal system, persuading everyone that I was the manipulative liar and that there had never been any abuse. I wish I had known then what I know now.
My trauma clients frequently ask me, "How can you protect yourself from a narcissist?" We go into defensive mode because, after years of being influenced to the point that we don't trust our own judgment, making the right choice just doesn’t feel safe. I won't pretend that it's easy. We should feel upset about the injustices we have experienced, but that is where we often make mistakes.
This article will draw on my own experiences to examine how a narcissist obtains their supply from us, the strategies they use to maintain control, and how we can ultimately break free. If we want to end the cycle, we must recognise how we are "feeding" them.
Shutting off the narcissistic supply
In order to secure their supply, which they then transform into self-worth, the narcissist uses flattery, confrontation, deceit, and manipulation. Like any meal, it only lasts so long, and they must feed again when inventory runs low. Even in a new relationship, they use manipulative techniques early on to gauge how well they can control that person. Because they lack self-worth, their supply is constantly running low. If they find they have no power over the other individual, they move on to the next victim. They may even start getting their supply from someone else after you have split up and pretend they have changed, but they are still narcissists. If you are not consistent in your behavior, they will draw you back in and regain control over you.
As in many cases, I suffered narcissistic injury as a result of my legal proceedings, which began three years after the divorce when his ego could not accept that I was in a relationship with someone from a different ethnic background. I made everything he had done to me and my kids extremely public, and as a result, I became a threat to him because, as you can imagine, he would be held legally accountable for his actions, or so I thought. The narcissist needs to replenish their supply at this point. For instance, they feel financially threatened when you ask for child maintenance payments, so they react by causing conflict, controlling others, and projecting their own actions onto you to make themselves the victim. This perpetuates the cycle of emotional abuse. However, if you can use your reactions to cut off their supply, you can turn the situation to your advantage.
Sometimes it may seem difficult to keep track of how they are getting their supply from you because they change their tactics throughout a relationship. They start small, with plenty of people-pleasing in the early days, but later progress to withholding finances or using children as a bargaining chip. They test you gradually at first, using various strategies and pushing boundaries to gauge your response. Because of my narcissistic mother, who told me I would never achieve anything and called me stupid for having an opinion or a life purpose, I have always had low self-confidence. The seemingly protective narcissist was well-positioned to take advantage of this, pretending to be concerned while actually gathering information to use against me at his discretion. After a few years of having my trust undermined, the gaslighting finally started, shattering it. I doubted myself even more than I doubted others, so naturally, I looked to my so-called protective husband to take charge. Every response I had, such as caring about what he thought, seeking approval, defending myself, and getting emotional, fueled his energy and kept him going while slowly destroying me.
By the time I left, I was exhausted and a weak, vulnerable version of the woman I had been before. I had been so traumatised that my reactions had gotten worse, further damaging my emotional state. I had suffered from severe anxiety and depression since my teens, which contributed to the negative mental pattern. This motivated him even more, as he was aware of his ability to negatively impact my mental state. In an attempt to convince me that he had moved on and to make me jealous, he painted a pretty realistic picture of having been with several women, boasting about sleeping with two nineteen-year-olds as if that made him something special. He was pathetic toward me, but now I realise that he was just damaged and broken, which is why he wanted to make me feel as bad as possible. He persisted in using strategies like triangulation and gaslighting, material belongings, and money while leaving court without any culpability for years of abuse. He saw how much suffering he caused by using my children as a negotiating chip and forcing me to repeatedly defend myself. All of this fed his supply.
Manipulation tactics employed by the narcissist
During the initial stages of a relationship, several warning signs may surface, yet we often ignore them due to our naive perspective. As previously stated, the narcissist employs a variety of manipulation techniques. To stay ahead of the game, we must be aware of the strategies they use to prevent them from leaving us confused and doubting our own judgment. When we identify their tactics, anticipate their manipulation, avoid emotional reactions, and place more trust in ourselves than in them, the narcissist loses control.
We need to be aware of red flags, such as the following strategies used by narcissists:
Gaslighting
"I didn't say that, you must have imagined it" was a regular expression I heard. When a narcissist gaslights you, they make you believe that you are going insane and that everything is just in your head. When they do this consistently, it causes you to doubt yourself by warping your perception of reality and eroding your capacity for self-confidence and sound judgment. You begin to believe they are correct and the one person you can rely on. This frequently results in victims feeling unheard in court since they are unable to express what has transpired or how they feel. The good news is that gaslighting requires two individuals, so we can take back control of the situation if we recognise when it is happening to us.
Boundary testing
They begin using this strategy very early in a relationship, love-bombing you to make themselves appear like the ideal companion. They may even offer apologies at this early stage, but they do not intend to alter their behavior. Your limits will be tested to see how much pressure you can take and how much tolerance you have. If they are unable to control you, they do not pursue the relationship. If they see that they went a bit too far, they may make false promises to win your favor again, but the boundaries will subsequently be crossed further. When we recognise this strategy, we must continue to set limits consistently. If we do not, we will be punished, and the cycle will progressively worsen.
Projection
It is likely that someone is employing projection if they say things like, "Are you cheating on me?" or "You're gaslighting me." The legal system frequently demonstrates this. As a defensive tactic, the narcissist will place the blame elsewhere. They avoid taking responsibility for their actions by focusing on you and making you feel guilty or ashamed, as though you did something wrong. You feel depressed and hopeless, thinking nothing you do will ever be good enough.
My ex abruptly tried to claim that I had neglected my children after I publicly told the court everything he had done. However, he had no proof whatsoever to back up his claims because, of course, it never happened. When he projected his actions onto me, I made the mistake of defending myself. In reality, he was indirectly confirming what he had done. My defensive reactions provided him with fuel.
Triangulation
When a narcissist engages in triangulation, they take on the victim role and turn others against you, cutting you off from your support network. This makes you feel alone and tense, often leading to an emotional reaction that feeds their supply once more. They may attempt to elicit an emotional reaction by making you feel insecure or jealous.
In the legal system, a common example of triangulation is when they attempt to divert attention from their own actions by implying that the judge will see what a terrible mother you are.
Blanket statements and generalisations
The goal of this manipulation technique is to make you appear as though you are overreacting or irrational. "You are never satisfied" is an example of a black-and-white statement they will use to accuse you of undesirable behaviors without providing any specifics.
Changing the subject
This strategy is frequently used when you try to talk to them about something they did that upset you. Instead of addressing the issue, they bring up a past, irrelevant topic to shift attention away from themselves and onto you. To elicit an emotional response, they will even exploit things they know will make you feel vulnerable.
For example, my mother would use generalisations to claim that I was always a "problem child" and project her own behavior onto me when I confronted her about making a false statement during court proceedings. She did this after she did not get her way at my second wedding.
Word salad
You can easily see this strategy if you have a very clear goal when you start a conversation with the narcissist, but by the end of it, you either feel highly emotional or realise you haven't even covered everything that needed to be discussed. A narcissist cannot be reasoned with because they are always right in their own beliefs and will never accept personal accountability. To confuse you, they will use a variety of manipulation techniques, such as projection, gaslighting, and circular conversations, often when you disagree with them. You will grow frustrated, which will fuel their supply.
Moving the goal posts
When we try harder to satisfy the narcissist and meet their expectations, they immediately raise them, making it impossible for us to ever please them or do anything well. Since we are always at fault, they can continue to be dissatisfied with us. As a result, the focus shifts from their mistakes to our shortcomings.
Pre-emptive defense
This is another major red flag. They will tell you how much they do for you or what a wonderful person they are to make you believe it. To appear kind, they may even offer sympathy, but it is not genuine. Truly kind individuals do not need to convince others of their kindness.
Reframing your feelings
When you try to express your emotions, narcissists will not listen. Instead, they will make you feel guilty for having those feelings and dictate how you should feel. They will belittle your thoughts, dismiss your emotions, and criticise you for having your own opinions or setting boundaries. To shift the focus away from themselves, they will put words in your mouth. For example, they may say, "Oh, so I'm the bad person?"
Bait and feign innocence
The goal of this strategy is to provoke you so the narcissist can act like a decent person and lure you back into their game. They will use something they know will hurt you to start an argument. When you become upset, they will pretend they didn’t mean to hurt you, saying things like, "I didn’t mean to hurt you. I apologise for your distress." Instead of genuinely accepting responsibility for their actions, they shift the blame onto you, making your reaction the problem rather than what they did to cause it. They say they are sorry for how you feel, but they are not truly sorry for their actions.
Punish and reward system
This strategy is especially confusing because the narcissist can seem kind and considerate one moment, then cruel and heartless the next. They do not change, and any kindness is simply another tactic to maintain control. We often use these rare positive moments as an excuse to stay, believing things will improve. However, unless there are long-term, consistent changes in their behavior, they are still controlling us.
Ask yourself, "Why are they rewarding me?" Is it because you have sacrificed one of your boundaries or given in to them in some way? They will push your limits, and if you try to maintain a boundary and assert yourself, they will punish you.
Narcissistic rage
The most severe emotional or physical abuse occurs during this phase, making it the most dangerous stage of abuse. Since my default response is to freeze, when the assault happened ten months after I left, it was probably the first time I reacted correctly. Not because I chose to, but because I was unable to do anything else. I didn’t respond to his attack. I just froze and "let" him continue until he was done. I don't know where I would be now if I had argued or fought back.
If you question their intentions, disagree with them, or make them feel threatened, they will put you down, insult you, criticise your beliefs, or do whatever is necessary to regain their authority and control. When I disagreed with my ex-husband, he would often get in my face, mimic everything I did, and yell that I was wrong and he was right, forcing me to repeat it over and over again. To get him to back off and leave me alone, I would eventually give in and admit that I didn’t know what I was saying and that he was right about everything. Any opposition or attempts at reasoning were pointless.
Communicating with a narcissist
There are some guidelines to follow and things to avoid if you have to talk to the narcissist, perhaps because you share custody of the children, which helps you avoid being manipulated further.
How are we to interact with someone who is continuously deceiving us, leaving us feeling confused, frustrated, and low on self-esteem? Above all else, consistency is the most important factor. First, we should think about our capacity to establish and maintain boundaries, as well as our efforts to rationalise or defend them. After that, we can typically pinpoint the weaknesses the narcissist has discovered in us that they can exploit to replenish their supply. We should also note our consistent responses to their manipulation. Identify and influence the source if you can honestly say they are not getting their supply from you. They can use friends to obtain information about you if you stop communicating with them.
Instead of seeing their reward and punishment system as the manipulation it is, we continue to feed their supply when we fail to set boundaries and maintain consistency, attempt to reason with them in the hopes that they will change, and mistake it for progress. We contribute to their supply by publicly expressing our emotions, particularly when we experience hurt, defending our actions, and rationalising our cognitive processes. This exacerbates our confusion, frustration, and lack of self-trust, making it more difficult for us to remember our conversations. It will always work against us to communicate verbally rather than in writing because it is more readily disputed or misrepresented, but it is very simple to answer the phone when they won't respond to an email.
"Do we care what they think of us?" is a better question to ask ourselves instead. "Do we think they're talking about actual facts?" We shouldn't feel compelled to defend them if we don't share their viewpoints or think their statements are accurate. We ought to consider the reasons behind our urge to defend our words and deeds. The narcissist lacks empathy and the ability to comprehend others' emotions; to them, feelings are a sign of weakness and serve only to reinforce their sense of superiority. Giving too much information or expressing your emotions is therefore useless since they will find a way to turn it against you. Even a simple yes/no response might occasionally provide too much information. Never forget that their ultimate objective differs from yours. Since you are unable to reason with them, your objective should be self-preservation, avoiding confrontation, and cutting off their supply.
Always use neutral, non-defensive comments when speaking with them, such as "I understand" or "You have the right to your opinions.” When feasible, prepare for your conversations using written communication, and always stay true to the facts. Don't ask for their feelings or share yours; just communicate clearly and solely in relation to the subject at hand. They will try to bait you, and when they do, take a deep breath, remain momentarily silent, and keep in mind what feeds their supply. To avoid immediately activating them, be mindful of their triggers as well. You don’t have to answer every question right now; consider "Are your children in danger?” or "Are you required by law to respond?” Because they lack empathy, many will want to say things like “How would you feel if..." but this will not make a difference.
How can we regain control now that we've determined which communication techniques work? We must first determine their preferred methods of manipulation, which are typically gaslighting to cause you to doubt yourself, intimidating you to instil fear so they can use the things you value most, such as your children or finances, and triangulation to paint you as the guilty party and themselves as the victim. Because they think that everyone lies and that it's typical conduct, narcissists will lie about everything, even trivial matters. This is another trait we should be aware of. However, if they begin to feel threatened, they will fabricate more lies to keep their innocence intact.
The behaviour of narcissists is a result of their extreme lack of confidence, fear, and fragility. They feel helpless, so they try to project a composed and eloquent image of themselves as decent people in order to obtain influence and reclaim their sense of control. Their inability to accept criticism stems from their secret belief in their unworthiness and the constant judgement they face. If we can see that they will employ their manipulation techniques when they are beginning to lose control and panic, it is a positive indicator that we can make use of. We can take advantage of this as long as we don't react to them or allow their manipulation to affect us.
Being ruthlessly honest with them and exposing them can cause them to lose control and panic, but we must do it in a way that provides purposeful criticism in a non-emotional and non-provoking manner that holds them responsible rather than using sarcasm, which will only fuel their supply, or accusations, which could incite narcissistic rage. Pushing back can be particularly successful if you haven't held them accountable in the past because they fear conflict. You will cut off their supply when you skilfully and purposefully demonstrate to the public who they truly are, as opposed to merely using them as a threat in disputes while maintaining an air of total indifference.
Navigating the legal system with a narcissist
Finding the correct lawyer can be the biggest hurdle; they should have experience dealing with narcissistic behaviour, be able to assist you in getting the results you desire, and talk to you about all possibilities, not just sympathise with your case. For the court to rule in your favour, you must be clear about what they expect from you. Attending court with your abuser will be upsetting, but this simply provides the narcissist with the "evidence" they require to support their unfounded accusations. It's very simple to get caught up in the "he said, she said" cycle, but this will not help you win your case. Given the limited court time, it's critical to limit the discussion to facts and examples that highlight the narcissist's patterns of behaviour. Allow the legal advisor to reveal the abuser as you present your best self, but always anticipate the worst from the narcissist: projection, lies, and dishonesty.
It will benefit you to act professionally, putting aside any feelings or temptations to make a plea, and to carefully think about how the court could interpret your responses before speaking. Instead of being reactive, you ought to be proactive. Like the narcissist, you should have a defined plan of action and goals. To guarantee that you can present the account that the court needs to hear, everything should be recorded and preserved, including emails, texts, police and therapist reports, photos, and more. The evidence threaten them. Furthermore, threats just serve to incite narcissistic wrath, which is where I went wrong because I was desperate and lacked legal help. It will always be challenging to prove emotional abuse because it is hard to provide evidence when it comes from within. Consider who you need to present yourself as so the court can see what they need to see, rather than telling them everything that the narcissist did wrong.
All of the communication techniques covered here should be used consistently during negotiations, putting your ego aside to get your desired outcome. To give the narcissist incentives like an expensive car or their reputation, you must carefully determine your leverage, which should be their supply. Utilise any information or evidence you possess to reveal their deceit. Decide what you want and then add negotiables that you are willing to give up but that they believe you need. For instance, if you want sole custody of your children but are willing to give up holiday time, you can offer them what seems to be a better holiday schedule. If they decline, which they almost certainly will, you can then offer them the entire holiday, giving them the impression that they have their wish when in reality you were quite content to forfeit that time. Negotiating with a narcissist involves convincing them they're in charge and you've lost. You can even seem unhappy when you lose the items you were previously willing to give up.
I am generally a pretty emotional person, and I was trying to keep my children safe, but I didn't have this understanding. As a result, without legal assistance, I fell into many traps. By following these tips, you can plan your negotiation strategy and determine what aspects of your communication approach need to be changed to better reflect the person you wish to present in court. What would be your worst-case situation, and what would be your ideal outcome? Make three settlement offers based on these outcomes, starting with your worst offer and working your way up to your greatest offer by leveraging their priorities. You can then proceed with a renewed sense of self-awareness and a focus on what matters most.
Read more from Sam Mishra
Sam Mishra, Special Guest Writer and Executive Contributor
Sam Mishra (The Medical Massage Lady), is a multi-award winning massage therapist, aromatherapist, accredited course tutor, oncology and lymphatic practitioner, trauma practitioner, breathwork facilitator, reiki and intuitive energy healer, transformational and spiritual coach and hypnotherapist. Her medical background as a nurse and a midwife, combined with her own experiences of childhood disability and abuse, have resulted in a diverse and specialised service, but she is mostly known for her trauma work. She is motivated by the adversity she has faced, using it as a driving force in her charity work and in offering the vulnerable a means of support. Her aim is to educate about medical conditions using easily understood language, to avoid inappropriate treatments being carried out and for health promotion purposes in the general public. She is also becoming known for challenging the stigmas in our society and pushing through the boundaries that have been set by such stigmas within the massage industry.
