Written by Eva Benmeleh, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Eva Benmeleh focuses on the multifaceted impact of perfectionism on individuals and their relationships. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice, educator on maternal mental health and perfectionism, and author of the book Sun and Moon Love Cloud: A book about divorce.
As a psychologist specializing in perfectionism, I’m often asked by parents if their child might have ADHD. Their concern usually stems from behaviors such as a perpetually messy room, forgotten schoolwork, or procrastinating until the last minute to complete assignments. Many parents assume their child is lazy, disorganized, or even selfish. While these behaviors can indicate executive functioning deficits, they may also point to another underlying issue: perfectionism.
Parents are often surprised when I suggest that their child’s disorganization and procrastination might stem from a fear of not meeting impossibly high standards. This may seem counterintuitive, as most people associate perfectionism with meticulous organization, top grades, and constant accolades. However, perfectionism often hides a behind-the-scenes struggle: the immense pressure to achieve perfection can feel so overwhelming that some children avoid starting tasks altogether.
The hidden pains of perfectionism
Perfectionists often grapple with the belief that their work must be flawless to have any value. This belief can lead to excessive planning, repeated drafts, and hours spent chasing unattainable standards. As a result, projects feel insurmountable, and many children delay starting until they have no choice but to face the looming deadline. The fear of failure can be so intense that avoiding the task entirely seems safer. As one common perfectionistic thought goes, “If I don’t try, no one can confirm whether I’m not smart. I can’t fail if I don’t start.”
For some children, the fear of success can also play a role. They worry that meeting high expectations will set a precedent they must always maintain, regardless of how they feel about it.
Types of perfectionism: A closer look
Perfectionism manifests in three primary ways: self-oriented, other-oriented, and socially prescribed. Each type brings unique challenges.
Self-oriented perfectionism: The individual holds themselves to extremely high standards. For example, a child may insist on earning straight A’s, even if their parents place little emphasis on grades.
Other-oriented perfectionism: The individual imposes unrealistic standards on others. For instance, a parent might become frustrated when their child spills juice or fails to organize their room “perfectly.”
Socially prescribed perfectionism: The individual feels pressure to meet high expectations set by peers, parents, or teachers. They may believe that being perfect is the only way to avoid rejection.
Some children exhibit a mix of these traits, making it difficult to identify which type is most dominant. Regardless of the subtype, the common thread is the irrational belief that anything less than perfection is unacceptable. This outlook can significantly impact self-esteem, productivity, and relationships.
The domino effect in families
Parents of perfectionistic children often demonstrate their own perfectionistic tendencies, creating a domino effect. When parents hold themselves to rigid standards, they may unintentionally pass these expectations on to their children. The result is a household rife with anxiety and frustration.
Children with maladaptive perfectionism frequently struggle with anxiety and depression. They often feel like nothing they do is good enough, leading to shame and a constant fear of letting their parents down. This dynamic is particularly challenging when a child has a learning disability or attention-related issues. While following action plans is essential, a rigid focus on perfection can create unnecessary stress for both parent and child, especially if the plan doesn’t account for emotional and psychological needs.
Therapy for perfectionistic children
Addressing perfectionism in therapy involves a multifaceted approach. For children with learning disabilities or executive functioning challenges, a psychoeducational evaluation is often the first step. This assessment helps identify strengths and weaknesses to ensure proper academic support.
In therapy, we work to challenge the myths surrounding perfection and explore alternative, more realistic approaches to life. Children and adults with perfectionistic tendencies often think in black-and-white terms, so therapy focuses on introducing flexibility and nuance. For example, we might reframe catastrophic “worst-case scenario” thinking into more balanced, optimistic outlooks.
Therapy also emphasizes living in the present moment rather than predicting failure or disappointment in the future. Parents and children learn to set goals based on actual abilities, not fear, force, or unrealistic expectations. This shift not only increases accountability and motivation but also fosters better communication and connection within the family.
Parents often discover that success is deeply personal and cannot be defined by a one-size-fits-all standard. By learning to motivate their children in ways that align with their unique strengths and needs, parents can help their children achieve optimal results without the burden of perfectionism. As a clinical psychologist, I work to help parents realign their beliefs about themselves: their self-worth, relationship styles, and expectations of themselves and their loved ones. This helps mitigate the effects of perfectionism in their children. When we as parents change our perspective, we provide ample room for our children to thrive instead of merely survive.
Read more from Eva Benmeleh
Eva Benmeleh, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Eva Benmeleh focuses on the multifaceted impact perfectionism on individuals and their relationships. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice, educator on maternal mental health and perfectionism, and author of the book Sun and Moon Love Cloud: A book about divorce. She is committed to unraveling the polarities in pefectionism integrating the striving for personal growth with harmoious flow. She is committed to working with individuals open to compassionate yet astute feedback, expanding their awareness and making profound changes to the quality of their lives.
