Alisa Atroshchenko, a multilingual life and couples coach with 7+ years of experience, specializes in guiding diverse couples towards stronger connections using empathy and practical strategies, drawing from her international background.
There I was, sipping a cappuccino at a café in Paris (this story takes me 15 years back in time), watching a couple at the next table. The Frenchman was effortlessly chic, all rolled-up sleeves and tousled hair, while his American girlfriend nervously twirled a strand of blonde curls. He leaned over and, with a smirk, said something that made her laugh. However, her laugh was hesitant, the kind of giggle that said, I think this is funny, I think?
It was classic French humor: dry, sarcastic, and just sharp enough to leave you wondering whether it was a compliment or a jab. She was clearly trying to play along, but the vibe was off. He thought he was being charming. She looked like she wasn’t sure if she should laugh or cry.
Humor, it turns out, is the silent third party in every relationship. It can either pull you closer or leave you wondering if your partner is secretly auditioning for a roast battle. And when cultures collide, what one person finds hilarious can make the other feel confused, insulted, or downright attacked.
When humor doesn’t translate
In some cultures, humor is about breaking barriers. In others, it’s about setting boundaries. And the divide? It’s often wider than we think.
Take the British, for example. They’re masters of the sly insult disguised as affection. If they tease you, you’re in their good graces. But for someone from a culture where words are taken literally (hello, Germany), that teasing can feel like being low-key bullied.
Or think about Latin America, where humor often involves playful nicknames. Being called gordita (little chubby) by your Mexican boyfriend might be a term of endearment. However, to an American woman raised on body positivity, it could feel like a red flag the size of Texas.
And then there’s sarcasm, the universal landmine. Americans love it, and the French live for it. Nevertheless, try throwing some sarcasm at a Japanese partner, where politeness is king, and they might just think you’re being unnecessarily cruel.
Is it toxic, or just different?
Here’s the thing: humor doesn’t just make us laugh. It’s a cultural marker of what we value and how we connect. What one culture sees as funny, another might see as rude, or even toxic.
For instance:
The roast
Americans adore the art of the roast, insult comedy that’s meant to be lighthearted. But if you’re from a culture where words carry weight (like many Asian or African cultures), it might feel like your partner is attacking you, not entertaining you.
Physical humor
In Indian culture, playful physical gestures, like pretending to trip or slapstick, are common ways to bond. To someone from a culture that values personal space, though, it can feel invasive or juvenile.
Dark humor
Russians and Eastern Europeans often use dark, cynical humor as a coping mechanism. It’s practically an art form. But to someone from a sunnier culture, it can come across as overly negative or even disturbing.
When these humor styles clash, the problem isn’t necessarily what’s being said. It’s what’s being understood.
How to laugh together without losing each other
So, how do you navigate humor in a relationship when your punchlines don’t land?
1. Decode the intent
If your partner’s jokes feel off, ask yourself: Are they trying to hurt me, or is this just their way of showing affection? In many cases, it’s the latter, even if it doesn’t feel that way at first.
2. Set boundaries
If a certain type of humor feels like a no-go, say so. “I love your jokes, but teasing me about my weight doesn’t feel good” is a gentle way to lay the groundwork for mutual respect.
3. Learn to laugh at differences
Sometimes the funniest moments come from the humor gap itself. My Italian friend once told me her Swedish boyfriend spent months trying to figure out why she laughed at the dinner table while shouting, “Mangia, mangia!” He thought she was mad. She thought he was overly serious. Now, they joke about how they’ll never fully get each other, but that’s half the fun.
What laughter says about love
Humor is more than just a way to pass time. It’s how we bond, how we flirt, how we show we care. But it’s also a mirror of our values. Do we value directness or subtlety? Warmth or wit? Words or actions?
In relationships, laughter can be the glue that holds you together, or the wedge that drives you apart. However, if you’re willing to listen, adapt, and meet in the middle, you might just find yourself laughing in ways you never expected.
Back at that café in Paris, the American girl finally cracked a genuine smile. She leaned over and said something that made her French boyfriend laugh so hard, he nearly spilled his espresso. Whatever she’d said, it was clear they’d found their middle ground.
Because when it comes to love, it’s not about whether your humor matches perfectly. It’s about being willing to laugh together, even if the joke doesn’t always land.
Food for thought: Is Your Humor Helping or Hurting Your Relationship?
As you reflect on your own relationship, think about the role humor plays between you and your partner. Are your jokes bringing you closer or creating unnecessary tension? Is your humor helping you communicate affection, or is it masking deeper issues? Sometimes the way we laugh says more about us than we realize. So, next time your partner cracks a joke, ask yourself: Is this a moment to bond, or a moment to learn something new about each other?
If you find that humor, or any aspect of communication, is causing more conflict than connection, it may be time to reevaluate how you relate. Remember, understanding each other’s humor isn’t just about laughing at the same things; it’s about learning to see the world through your partner’s eyes.
Let’s make it work together
If you’re struggling to find common ground on humor, or any other aspect of your relationship, don’t do it alone. Sometimes a fresh perspective can help you break through cultural barriers and improve how you communicate with your partner. If you’re ready to dive deeper into your relationship dynamics and learn how to communicate in a way that honors both of your cultures, let’s talk.
With coaching, you can uncover what really matters, build a stronger connection, and learn to navigate differences with ease. Whether it’s humor, love languages, or communication styles, together we can find a way to make it work.
Reach out today, and let’s get started on creating a relationship that thrives on understanding, respect, and laughter.
Read more from Alisa Atroshchenko
Alisa Atroshchenko, Life and Relationships Coach
Alisa Atroshchenko, a life and couples coach with over 7 years of experience, specializes in fostering stronger connections and personal growth in relationships. Fluent in four languages— English, French, Russian and Spanish—her multicultural upbringing lends a deep understanding of global perspectives. Guiding couples through self-understanding and needs assessment, she facilitates transformative journeys towards understanding and harmony. With a mission to spread happiness through building stronger relationships, she draws from her international background spanning Russia, France, Switzerland, and Mexico. Her commitment to fostering understanding knows no bounds, offering support and guidance worldwide.
