Written by: Carmen Vasile-Nichita, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
If you were an emotions detective, how would Confidence look like in Parenting? All anything takes is confidence, but how do we become confident in our parenting skills?
Successful parenting can look different than success in other areas of life. A Confident Parent does not have to know it all or be right or feel happy all the time, quite the opposite in fact. Choosing to approach Parenting with Confidence often comes from trusting that no matter what happens, you will be able to handle it and learn from the outcome. Since Parenting comes with a constellation of challenges and dares us to stay completely open, vulnerable, curious, and a little bit silly (yes, Silly!) - I invite you on a journey, where we will take a closer look at 4 steps that any Parent can take that will bring you closer to becoming more comfortable and confident in your parenting skills.
Respect and acceptance over criticism.
The importance of accepting every mood (especially the ones we like to label as ‘negative’).
When you criticize your children, they don’t stop loving you; they stop loving themselves. Accept your child for who they are. And try not to compare them against any of their peers. When mistakes are made, embrace them full-heartedly. Instead of pressuring your child to get straight A’s, allow every mistake to become an opportunity for improvement. The concept of ‘happily ever after’ was and still is so toxic for many of us that we should vigorously start promoting ‘happily even after.’ The sooner we understand that there is life (and a huge learning opportunity) after making a mistake or after an argument, the better. Parents tend to take it for granted that what makes them happy will also make their children happy, which is sometimes not the case. Also, as parents, we tend to forget that happiness is a feeling, and like most feelings, it comes and goes. The demand to be happy all the time undermines our lives. Every life involves pain and pleasure, so try not to banish but respect and accept all feelings that you feel and that your child feels.
Influence over authority.
How strict should a parent be?
It is important to building firm foundations for our children. Children are naturally programmed to question everything; that’s how they learn. Set firm rules, but give them a choice whenever possible. And always try to provide a logical explanation for the decisions you make when no other choice is possible. With patience, you will notice magic happening once children conform to that rule, not out of fear of being punished but because they now understand why it is the way it is. Building a strong foundation requires time and patience, and parents should expect storms. If something does not work, evaluate why it doesn’t, change, and adapt.
Expression over repression or aggression.
Where does this emotion come from?
Instead of dismissing what the child is feeling or asking him to stop feeling what they’re feeling, I invite you, Parents, to look within yourselves and understand what that emotion triggers in you and why? What bothers us so much about that show of emotions? Not feeling the negative emotions, or not feeling anything at all, not making mistakes - these are dead man’s goals and goes in full contradiction with being a Parent. The next time you feel anger towards your child rather than reacting and responding at the moment, stop and ask yourself: Does this feeling belong to this situation and with my child in the present, or is it a feeling from the past that is being re-triggered? Simply because it is the easy way out, we often short-circuit to being angry or frustrated or panicked instead of empathizing with our children and seeing the situation from their standpoint. In such situations, instead of overreacting, take a minute to step back and say, ‘I need some time to think about what’s happening.’ And go ask yourself what behavior in your child triggers the strong negative response in you? Can you remember an event in your past when you demonstrated the same behavior?
Communication over assumptions.
All behavior is communication.
Our behavior is probably the biggest influence on our child’s behavior. We often foster the belief that we are individuals, but, in reality, we all affect each other. So, however, your child behaves or how you behave - it is not in isolation or pure coincidence - it is co-created by people and culture around you. It is not for nothing they say that violence begets violence or that gratitude promotes well-being. Let me ask you a question: how would you describe your attitude? And while answering this question, I invite you to stay away from concepts of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ - they are not useful at all. No one is born bad. No one can be all good or all bad. So rather than using those labels, let’s describe the behavior as convenient and inconvenient or as comfortable and uncomfortable. People - especially children - act out in challenging ways, mainly because they have not discovered alternative, more effective ways of expressing their feelings and needs. It is inconvenient and uncomfortable for us grown-ups, but it is also our job as parents to translate our children’s behavior. Questions can help here, too: What is their behavior trying to say? What are they telling you with their bodies or with their noises? Can you help them communicate in a more appropriate way? How is their behavior related to Yours?
If our job as parents is to model appropriate behavior for our children, we might as well start with these 4 skills:
Being able to tolerate frustration. While tempted to assume that you were born with a short fuse, low frustration tolerance does not have to be permanent.
Being resilient. Resilience is defined as the capacity to recover and spring back into life after difficulties. The secret here is not to get hooked on feeling miserable for the rest of your life, but instead, allow yourself to feel the emotions and then get yourself unhooked by finding the silver lining. After all, any misfortune has the potential to offer some good results.
Being solution-oriented. In our busy lives, we have to deal with a constellation of challenges every day, so it is important to recognize that difficulties will never be part of the solution. It is important to reframe our problem in order to find a solution and focus on that. It might not always be what we expected, but it is good enough to take us one step closer to our goal.
Empathy. It is the ability to see and feel things from other people’s points of view. It helps when it comes to managing your emotions around your child if you can understand the emotion and the circumstances that caused your child to behave in a way that you find challenging to deal with. When children behave in a way that proves to be uncomfortable to us grown-ups, rather than thinking they choose to behave that way, think of the message they are trying to convey to you, and what are they missing that you need to provide for them: if they want attention from you, any attention, including the negative one, will do, so they will try to get that. But in the end, all that children need and want from their parents is to be loved, to feel connected, and to be friends.
Thank you so much for reading, reflecting, and working so hard. And I encourage all of you to treat your thoughts, your feelings, and your stories like clouds passing through the summer blue sky - they are simply passing through your mind and body without altering who you really are. The same way as the sky will always be there behind those clouds, as blue as ever, the same way you can find the Confidence you need as a Parent within yourself. Any time is a good time to start!
Carmen Vasile-Nichita, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine With a degree in Arts, a Major in English Language and Literature and 20 years professional experience in the Education and Technology industries, Carmen is the founder of her own coaching startup, CVN Coaching, an English Teacher by trade, a Communication Specialist, an expat solo parent and a committed life long learner who loves to empower people through thoughtful, differentiated coaching.
As a Mindset and Transformational Coach for Kids and Families, Carmen is leveraging the unique principles of Growth Mindset that she has been fostering herself from the inside out, to build a Growth Mindset culture within the environments and people that she is working with. She is also a social media marketing enthusiast and started educating herself in this area when she started creating her own business.
Oh, did we mention that Carmen is Romanian-Greek-Hungarian? Why does that matter? Well, it matters because she wholeheartedly embraces diversity and she considers herself lucky to be living in times of globalisation and acceptance.
