Written by Martina Magnery, Relationship Coach & CEO
Martina Magnery is a Psychotherapist, Relationship Coach, and the visionary CEO of Clarityfor, a leading Personal Development Coaching Company. At Clarityfor, Martina and her team provide evidence-based approaches to help individuals achieve transformative and measurable personal growth.
Betrayal in a relationship can feel like a deep wound that disrupts the very foundation of trust. Whether through infidelity, dishonesty, or emotional neglect, it is one of the most challenging experiences a couple faces. As someone passionate about helping couples heal and reconnect, I believe that with the right tools and support, couples can rebuild trust, restore intimacy, and emerge stronger together.
In my practice, I use evidence-based methods to guide clients through the pain of betrayal and support them on their journey to healing. As a relationship coach, retreat organiser, blogger and podcaster I am dedicated to enhancing personal development and recovery for both individuals and couples. Let’s explore two clinical approaches that have been incredibly effective in helping couples heal after betrayal: The Gottman Method and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).
Understanding betrayal in relationships
Betrayal shakes the trust that holds relationships together. Whether through infidelity, emotional disconnection, or dishonesty, it leaves emotional scars. I have seen firsthand how betrayed partners may experience anxiety, emotional numbness, and difficulty trusting again. For those who committed the betrayal, feelings of guilt, shame, and regret can be overwhelming, often leading to further withdrawal and defensiveness.
In my work, I have helped many couples navigate this difficult terrain. The emotional fallout from betrayal often mirrors symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), particularly for the betrayed partner. For both partners, the journey to healing involves addressing the emotional damage, rebuilding trust, and re-establishing healthy communication.
The Gottman method: Rebuilding communication and trust
As a trained practitioner of the Gottman Method, I have found it to be one of the most powerful tools in helping couples recover from betrayal. Developed through decades of research by Dr. John Gottman, the Gottman Method provides a structured framework for couples to understand their relationship dynamics, improve communication, and enhance emotional safety.
One key tool in the Gottman Method is the Gottman Relationship Check-Up. This comprehensive assessment evaluates various aspects of a relationship, including communication patterns, conflict resolution strategies, emotional intimacy, and trust. When betrayal has occurred, this tool helps uncover patterns or behaviors that may have contributed to the breakdown, making it easier for both partners to gain clarity. It also reminds couples of their strengths, which can sometimes be overlooked in distressing times.
Cognitive healing after betrayal
1. Identifying the roots of betrayal
Together, we explore underlying issues such as unmet needs, communication breakdowns, or emotional disconnection. This insight is essential in understanding that healing is not just about addressing the betrayal but also about resolving relational dynamics.
2. Rebuilding communication
Betrayal often leads to a breakdown in communication. In my sessions, we use strategies like soft startups and repair attempts to help both partners express their needs and emotions constructively. It is all about creating a space where both partners feel heard and understood.
3. Building emotional safety
Trust may have been broken, but psychological safety is crucial for rebuilding the relationship. The Gottman Method encourages couples to create an environment of understanding and support, which is essential for discussing the pain caused by betrayal and allowing healing to begin.
EMDR: Processing the trauma of betrayal
Alongside the Gottman Method, I incorporate EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) as a powerful tool to help heal the trauma of betrayal. Originally designed to treat PTSD, EMDR has proven to be incredibly effective for those experiencing trauma due to betrayal in relationships.
Betrayal can create intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, and emotional reactivity that hinder healing. EMDR helps process these painful memories, reducing their emotional charge and helping you regain clarity and emotional regulation. I have seen firsthand how EMDR enables partners to move forward with greater peace and understanding.
Somatic healing after betrayal
Reprocessing Traumatic Memories: EMDR uses bilateral stimulation to help the brain reprocess distressing memories, making them less emotionally charged. For the betrayed partner, this can mean finding relief from intrusive thoughts.
Identifying and Reframing Negative Beliefs: Betrayal often triggers core beliefs like "I’m not good enough" or "I can’t trust anyone." In EMDR, we work to identify these beliefs and reframe them, allowing you to regain your sense of self-worth and trust.
Healing the Relationship: EMDR is not just for the betrayed partner. The partner who committed the betrayal can also benefit from this therapy, processing feelings of guilt and shame, which allows them to take responsibility without becoming overwhelmed by self-criticism. Most importantly, it can unravel the underlying causes and permission-based thoughts that led to the betrayal.
Why a unified approach with one therapist works
Many couples who experience betrayal seek therapy with separate therapists, which can lead to conflicting advice or confusion. However, research shows that a unified approach—where both partners work with the same therapist—offers several advantages in the healing process:
Consistency of Approach: When both partners work with the same therapist, there is a consistent framework and approach to healing, ensuring that both partners are heard and their emotional needs are addressed without the risk of contradictory therapeutic advice.
Mutual Understanding: Seeing the same therapist fosters a sense of mutual understanding. As a neutral figure, I can guide each partner in exploring their feelings and behaviors, helping to rebuild trust and encourage open communication.
Comprehensive Healing: By combining the Gottman Relationship Check-Up and EMDR within one therapeutic framework, both partners can address their individual emotional needs while simultaneously working to heal the relationship as a whole. This holistic approach ensures that the trauma of betrayal is not just addressed individually but within the context of the couple’s relationship.
Intensives & retreats for deep healing
In addition to traditional therapy sessions, I offer intensive and retreat experiences in various countries, designed to help couples and individuals heal quickly and deeply. These retreats provide an immersive, focused environment where you can take a deep dive into the healing process. Whether you are facing betrayal, communication issues, or emotional disconnection, I offer tailored programs that integrate the Gottman Method and EMDR, allowing for accelerated healing in a supportive and transformative setting.
These retreats are held in peaceful, serene locations, giving you the space to reset and rebuild your relationship in a way that is difficult to achieve in day-to-day life. Working intensively over several days, you will gain the tools, support, and guidance needed to create lasting change.
If you are struggling with betrayal or any other relationship challenge, an intensive or retreat may be just the right thing for you. Please contact us here for more information.
Read more from Martina Magnery
Martina Magnery, Relationship Coach & CEO
Martina Magnery is a Psychotherapist, Relationship Coach, and the visionary CEO of Clarityfor, a Personal Development Coaching Company. At Clarityfor, Martina and her team offer evidence-based approaches to help individuals achieve transformative and measurable personal growth. Beyond her role as a coach and CEO, Martina also shares her expertise as the host of the Clarityfor People podcast, where she delves into the art of personal development and relationship dynamics with insight and passion.A., & de Jongh, A. (2017). Intensive EMDR and the Fear of Being Unloved: A Case Study. Journal of EMDR Practice and Research, 11(2), 84-95. doi:10.1891/1933-3196.11.2.84
