Greg Singleton is well known for his ability to get the best out of the person across from him. He is the founder of CSB Coaching, and he has transformed his experiences into a powerful coaching framework designed to help others empower themselves to live fulfilling lives.
All too often, life has a way of shifting or shattering our version of reality, forcing us to face a wake-up call. Life does not play favorites or determine winners and losers; we are all equally vulnerable to having our perceptions of truth and reality upended in the blink of an eye.
Life takes us on a journey of highs and lows. We rarely think about rebuilding when things are blissful, yet when we find ourselves shattered but not entirely broken, we desperately grasp for comfort. However, comfort may be the very thing we need to let go of in order to truly break free.
We all need scaffolding to support us as we rebuild, but it is ultimately up to us to construct the life we want.
Where to start?
This question resonates deeply with me because I, too, had to ask myself the same thing when the illusion of the perfect life I had built was shattered. On a cold winter morning, December 28th, as I stood in the doorway of our bedroom, I asked my wife one simple question: “Babe, are we okay? Something seems off.” Her four-word response, “I’m working on it,” changed my life forever. While I was preparing to build a new life together, she was preparing to leave me. Less than three months later, we were divorced. Little did I know at the time, she gave me the most powerful wake-up call I could have imagined. Today, I hold no ill will toward her. Through years of introspective work, I’ve given the gift of forgiveness to both myself and her, but it wasn’t always that way.
In the beginning, I hit rock bottom and had no idea where to start rebuilding my life.
There is no starting line or clock to punch for this process. It begins when you make the choice to prioritize your well-being and face the struggles that come with rebuilding. Each of us starts from a different place, but the progress we make is determined by our mindset, perspective, sense of responsibility, and self-worth.
For me, the journey began with one essential question: Am I worth it?
If your answer is "yes"—or even some hesitant version of it (kind of, yeah, I think so, I hope so, or a simple nod)—then you’re exactly where you need to be.
Shift your mindset
Mindset is defined by the assumptions and expectations you hold about yourself, your life, and the situations around you.
More often than not, our initial response to life’s wake-up call is: Why is this happening to me? The good news is that you’re asking the right question; the bad news is that you don’t have the answer—yet. Instead of rushing to find the answer, shift your focus to what you can learn from the experience or circumstances. Your assumptions and expectations about why life has presented this wake-up call will shape your mindset and influence how you view the path forward.
When you embrace the mindset that you are worth it, you can begin to unpack the series of events that led to your wake-up call. This allows you to understand what went wrong, why it happened, and how to improve so you can avoid similar pitfalls in the future. Our brains are designed to solve problems, but when we are part of the problem, it becomes incredibly challenging to formulate the solution. This is where self-awareness, effective reflection techniques, and the right support become essential for learning and rebuilding.
Over time, what you learn will evolve into the meaningful answers you need, ensuring that these challenges don’t keep resurfacing in your life.
Finding your answer is different from simply finding an answer. Seek what resolves the lingering questions in your mind about these events. Cultivate a mindset that frames the situation as an opportunity for growth, while still giving yourself the space to fully experience and process the emotions that come with a shattered reality. Allow these emotions the time they require, and in doing so, you’ll create room to improve your mindset and move forward.
How to change your lens of perception
Perception is the organization, identification, and interpretation of sensory information in order to represent and understand the presented information or environment.
Perception will shape the reality we live in. When faced with a shattered reality, perception goes hand in hand with mindset. Mindset are your assumptions, perception is the view you choose while things are actually happening. So when we speak about one, we also must address the other.
More often than not we try to fit the outcome we want into the reality of what is really happening. To change your perceptions, remove the projection of outcomes, evaluate what has really happened and pivot as needed moving forward. This is one of the most important lessons I had to learn in my life.
The truth becomes elusive when we have preconceived notions of outcomes and how we want them to play out. Hence, when our perception changes to fit the narrative we came in with, we wind up dealing with a range of emotions we were not prepared for. So, allow other people to change your mind as long as it doesn’t conflict with your values, let situations play out as they may, be open to multiple outcomes and find strength in knowing that you can pivot to improve moving forward.
Responsibility
Responsibility is one of the largest components of our lives that we outsource to other people. It is much more convenient to place blame on others rather than taking responsibility for the part you have played in life’s wake-up call. While there are aspects that may not be your fault, there most certainly will be portions that require you to take responsibility for the outcome, either partially or fully.
The broken parts that come along with a wake-up call are some of the most beautiful remnants that you get to pick and choose what to use moving forward as you build your new life or identity. Not all the shattered pieces from the broken event should be discarded. There will be shards that will be very helpful for you to use as the rebuild begins to take shape, like responsibility. It’s up to you to decide which pieces you want to take and which you want to leave in the past. This should be the most empowering thing you can take away when the inevitable valleys of life blind your path forward.
If you made mistakes, great – evaluate them and correct future actions. If the timing was wrong, great; repeat the positive steps and move at a pace that works for you. If you chose to be a people pleaser (like I used most of my life), great – now you know that setting boundaries will keep you from experiencing these types of lows again. No matter the circumstances, there will always be an opportunity for you to take responsibility for your part and for what you choose to take away as you move on with life.
Responsibility is, and will always be, the most empowering thing you can take control over in your life.
Sense of self-worth
Self-worth can be defined in many ways, but at its core, it comes down to one simple truth: you are worth it, no matter what you set out to achieve. Make the decision today that you are worth it!
For many of us, self-worth is a constant hurdle because it often depends on the situations we face. This belief must come from within: no matter what life throws at you, you have the inner strength to rise, get off the mat, and move forward because you value the path your life takes. How you proceed in life is determined by the goals you choose to set. Your job is to bridge the gap between hoping and truly believing that the goals you set can and will be accomplished so long as you are doing it for yourself. I encourage you to reference an article I wrote on success and failure; it may help you lay the foundation for building self-worth. It can help you decide what is good for you and what is not.
When we allow others to decide what is good or bad for us, we hand over control of our lives. In doing so, we let external forces determine the direction we take. This often leads to resentment, blame, regret, and anger when things don’t turn out as we hoped. The reality is that they didn’t turn out the way you wanted because they unfolded according to someone else’s plan. This ties directly to the concept of responsibility.
When we shift responsibility away from ourselves, we make room for blame to take center stage. In life, we tend to focus on what reinforces our beliefs. When we let others control our sense of self-worth, we give ourselves permission to blame them when things go wrong. In essence, we shift our self-worth from being an internal measure to an external one, which then allows us to deflect responsibility as we see fit.
Life becomes much lighter when we redirect that spotlight onto the belief that you are worth it. Regardless of the external influences we face (and we all encounter many), none of them have the power to define who we are.
Shifting pain into purpose
Emotional pain is one of the most powerful sensations we experience, and it has been scientifically linked to physical sensations of pain. Dr. Ethan Kross and Dr. Andrew Huberman have an incredibly enlightening conversation on the science behind this connection you can listen to it here. Emotional pain is a psychological response to negative experiences that can blur the line and manifest as physical pain.
Transforming that pain into a driving force for purpose can significantly reduce the blame, regret, and anger we feel about our circumstances. Pain is one of the most influential motivators in life—it can either hinder us or propel us forward. The choice is ours, and it will ultimately shape our purpose.
During my darkest days, the emotional pain I endured felt overwhelming, as though rock bottom carried the weight of a million bad decisions. What I didn’t realize at the time was that every decision I had made had led me to that exact moment in life. It was a necessary wake-up call, exposing the facade I had been living.
That same pain, which had brought me to my lowest point, became the ladder I used to climb out of the depths. How we perceive our pain shapes the reality we live in. Rather than letting the weight of that pain crush me, I chose to use it as steps on the ladder to redefine my purpose. You can do the same.
Permission
Allow emotional pain to bring awareness to the areas in your life that need attention. There is a reason you feel the way you do; it’s demanding of your focus. Now is the time to give yourself permission to transform that pain into a life driven by purpose rather than one dominated by regret, confusion, anger, and suffering.
Here is a free guide to help you start your journey toward living a more fulfilling life. I believe in you—it’s time you believed in yourself too!
Read more from Greg Singleton
Greg Singleton, Perspective and Mindset Coach
Greg Singleton is a certified NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) peer-to-peer leader, and his coaching guides people with the correct perspective and mindset to overcome imposter syndrome, build confidence, and embrace a healthier mindset. He has dedicated the last 10 years to helping others overcome their fear and embrace their inner confidence to become who they strive to be. He is the CEO of CSB Coaching. His mission: Celebrate others, don't Alienate others.
