Written by Christine Exelmans, Conscious Leadership
Her skills as a leader, guiding hundreds of individuals, managing large teams and climbing the corporate ladder. Along her journey, she encountered the limitations of traditional leadership approaches and sought a new path—one rooted in self-awareness, consciousness and growth.
I remember vividly the moment when I thought, I had just nailed self-love. I was getting ready to go out, trying on different outfits. I was looking at myself in the mirror with disgust, while running an inner monologue of harsh criticism of every possible body part (sounds familiar?). Nothing seem to look good on me and I blamed my body for it.
At the time I was in my early thirties, had just landed my first big job and was mother to an 8-year-old. My habitual stream of thought was suddenly interrupted by intense clarity: "I don't have time for this anymore!"
I was utterly uninterested in the scenario that was unfolding. I was bored. I have had the same thoughts 1000 times over and I was tired of it. I kept on what I was wearing and left the house. Since then, I have moved from this sudden, benign and powerful indifference to love, appreciation, and care for my body. Isn't that self-love? I thought is was!
Uncovering a different layer of self-love
Only years later did I uncover a different layer of self-love.
At the heart of self-love lies self-trust. I'm not talking about trust in my abilities to do certain things well or self-confidence that comes from experience. What I mean is a deep trust in my 'knowing', my inner compass, my innate ability to know what is right for me and what is not.
When there is no self-trust, we might experience the following:
Second-guessing ourselves all the time
Being overly concerned about boundaries
Rationalizing a lot
Overthinking
Not knowing what we need or want
Not taking powerful action, being hesitant
Seeking out the opinions of others
Worrying a lot about what others think
Societal conditioning and self-betrayal
As evolved and rational human beings, we believe in the power of the mind and in logic; not in gut feeling or the wisdom of the body. Combine this with women's assigned roles as caregivers and household managers, the workplace double standards, the belief that anger is somehow reserved for men, and you have a recipe for self-betrayal.
Women have been conditioned to ignore their greatest gift: their intuition. If we are fully honest, we often 'know' when something is not right for us. Especially in hind sight, we realize we had a 'weird feeling' or we say to ourselves 'we could have know sooner'. This inner knowing is a powerful guide. But it is subtle. And if we ignore it just often enough we might have trouble noticing it going forward.
It gets quickly overshadowed by thinking, societal expectations, external pressures, and self-doubt. We talk ourselves out of the weird feelings and carry on with what we were doing.
From self-trust to self-love
Trusting our 'gut' requires us to tune into our feelings and acknowledge our true needs and boundaries. What would it be like if we would make our own needs and boundaries the no.1 priority and the no.1 focus in our lives? Wouldn't that be applied to self-love? And isn't the word love meaning less until it is put into action?
Loving yourself means to trust yourself and to nurture that trust every day. Trust has to grow and develop, especially after betrayal. We take baby steps, we start to listen to ourselves more and more. We check-in to see how we feel about something, before we succumb to the pressure of expectations and perceived duty.
And when our inner compass is giving us a 'no', then we honor this 'no'. We act upon it. It becomes an outer 'no'. We honor ourselves more and more. And we trust that our inner guidance is supporting us in the best possible way and that includes all our relationships and all decisions about our life, big or small.
And we also trust, that no harm comes from listening and trusting ourselves; neither for ourselves, nor for the people we love.
How to build trust in ourselves
The path to self-love starts with rebuilding trust.
Trust is a foundational element in any relationship, whether with oneself or others. For trust to grow, several key factors are needed:
Time: Trust cannot be rushed; it needs time to develop. Gradual and steady efforts to build and maintain trust are essential.
Self-awareness: Becoming more aware of our thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations helps us recognize our inner voice. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation and journaling, can enhance this awareness.
Consistency: Trust is built over time through consistent actions and behaviors. By regularly listening to ourselves, trusting our inner compass and honoring that guidance time and again, we reinforce our ability to trust it. This might involve making small decisions based on gut feelings and reflecting on the outcomes.
Boundary setting: Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries reinforces our sense of self and protects our inner guidance. This involves saying no when necessary and standing up for our needs and values. Even if it feels uncomfortable or like 'rocking the boat for no-reason'.
Body awareness: Our bodies often give us signals about what feels right or wrong. Developing a stronger connection with our physical sensations through activities like yoga or mindful movement can enhance our ability to trust these signals.
Reflective practices: Regularly reflecting on past experiences where following our intuition led to positive outcomes can strengthen our trust in it. This can also involve learning from situations where we ignored our intuition and faced consequences.
Seeking feedback: Engaging with trusted mentors or coaches can provide valuable external validation and insights, helping us refine and trust our inner guidance.
Self-compassion: Being kind to ourselves, especially when mistakes are made, is crucial. Understanding that perfection is not the goal and that growth comes from learning helps maintain trust in our inner compass.
By integrating these practices into our daily lives, we can gradually build a stronger, more reliable sense of trust in ourselves and our inner compass.
Conclusion
Rediscovering and nurturing self-trust is a transformative journey. And might be the often missed puzzle piece for more clarity, enjoyment and success in life.
I have worked with countless women, solving their outer challenges (such as career dilemmas, finding purpose and direction, relationship issues, burnout and feelings of being overwhelmed) by re-building trust in themselves, de-conditioning from limiting beliefs and by fiercely loving and prioritizing themselves. Trust & Honor yourself to Love yourself!
Christine Exelmans, Conscious Leadership
With over 20 years of corporate experience, Christine has honed her skills as a leader, guiding hundreds of individuals, managing large teams and climbing the corporate ladder. Along her journey, she encountered the limitations of traditional leadership approaches and sought a new path—one rooted in self-awareness, consciousness and growth. Driven by her own transformation, Christine is dedicated to helping corporate talent to become the Leaders they wish they had. Her Vision is to transform the corporate workplace into a safe space where everyone can thrive, grow and fully expand.
