Trauma Bonds and the Addictive Cycle of an Abuser’s Control
- Brainz Magazine
- Apr 6
- 11 min read
Updated: Apr 9
Written by Kate Alderman, Somatic Sexologist
Kate Alderman is a Somatic Sexologist, Intimacy & Relationships Coach, Psychedelic Integration Coach, and the founder of: You’re A Strong Woman Foundation – Domestic Violence Prevention and Recovery. With a decade of experience in plant medicines and extensive expertise in sexual empowerment, trauma-informed healing, and somatic coaching, Kate empowers individuals and couples to reclaim their power and thrive through embodied practices and transformative coaching.
There’s a common misconception that an abusive relationship is a 50/50 situation and this is deeply damaging. People who haven’t experienced abuse themselves often don’t understand the complexity of what happens when someone is under the control of an abuser. Abuse is not about two equal participants – it’s about one person intentionally using manipulation and psychological tactics to break the other down.
In an abusive relationship, there is one abuser and one victim – that’s the truth. The victim doesn’t share equal responsibility for the abuse. The idea that there are “two abusers” is absurd and completely ignores the reality of what it’s like to be in that situation.
Victims don’t make choices out of weakness; they stay because they’ve been broken down mentally and emotionally, often in ways that others can’t see. They’ve been gaslit, love-bombed, and manipulated into thinking things will return to how they once were – the good moments they desperately hold on to. That’s the trauma the victim/survivor lives with.
Healing from this isn’t about avoiding responsibility; it’s about honouring the trauma they’ve been through and understanding how it has shaped their decisions. It takes unimaginable strength and awareness to untangle ourselves from the psychological hold of an abuser, and that’s a journey that deserves respect, not judgment.
People in these dynamics often don’t realise they’re trauma-bonded.
It can feel like the most genuine love you've ever experienced and the most painful. The exchange swings constantly between love and trust, only to be ripped away as punishment. The abuser is a chameleon who wears different masks, and you never know what to expect. If you're in a relationship where you feel trapped or unable to escape, you’re likely trauma-bonded.
When you're afraid of someone, they have control over your self-expression.
You may cling to the past, the honeymoon or love-bombing phase, hoping to steer the relationship back to that intoxicating period when your body and brain were flooded with oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. But you're confused, and can’t quite figure out what went wrong.
Why did the love, validation, and attention, turn into distance, withdrawal, and neglect?
Why have intimacy, affection, health and sleep, been replaced with stress and anxiety, all of which undermine your wellbeing?
If you're questioning your relationship, this is the first sign that you’re trauma-bonded.
In the beginning, the abuser puts you on a pedestal, making you feel significant and validated. You feel seen and understood as if all your past concerns are suddenly soothed. If you’ve struggled with feelings of "not enough," an abuser can come along and offer all the attention you've been craving, and your guard drops quickly. The abuser mirrors you, becoming the person you need them to be, and you fall completely in love with yourself, in a sense. This is the addictive part, but it’s all an illusion.
Your brain floods with feel-good hormones: oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine. You feel invincible, on top of the world. The high is so intense that your brain becomes overexposed, creating an addictive loop.
Then, at any point in the relationship – weeks, months, or usually within the first two years – the abuser’s mask comes off. Once they believe you’re emotionally hooked and deeply invested – whether through marriage, moving in together, buying a business, making financial commitments, or planning a major life event – their true nature emerges. You’re confronted with lies, manipulation, criticism, gaslighting, aggression, threats, intimidation and, in some cases, physical violence. This causes your body to release the stress hormone cortisol, you’re now flooded with stress and confused. This person, who you thought you knew, has become a very different person and not who you knew them to be.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that distorts your reality so thoroughly that you begin to question your sanity – it’s very disorienting. The information you receive contradicts everything you thought you knew, leaving you confused and stressed.
The abuser makes all kinds of excuses for their behaviour, and you get addicted to the emotional ups and downs.
If you try to leave, you may hear all sorts of regrets and fake apologies like: "You're my soulmate," "Nothing is bigger than us," "I can't live without you," "I'll change, I promise”. They may suddenly become the perfect partner again, showering you with all the affection, grand gestures, and declarations of love. You want to believe them because you’re flooded with the stress hormone cortisol, craving the feelings of love, connection and bonding (oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine) you once experienced.
But the reality is that you’re addicted and stuck in the cycle. Toxic love is incredibly intoxicating, keeping you trapped in the highs and lows, mistaking chaos for passion and control for devotion. You keep cycling between the euphoria of feel-good hormones and the stress of fear, anxiety, and confusion. It’s a chemical dependency. Your brain clings to the highs, ignoring the reality of poor behaviour and disrespect.
Love is the highest high there is.
You’re addicted to the emotional highs and lows, and when dealing with an addict, reasoning doesn’t work – the only way out is to cut off the supply.
This trauma-bond dynamic isn’t limited to intimate relationships – it can also occur in families and workplaces, anywhere validation is sought. It’s even more intense in romantic relationships when sex is involved, as sex is a deep exchange of energy and emotion. The sexual connection adds another element and this can be very challenging to break free from.
The insecure abuser has figured out a method that works: they find someone who is empathic, naive to the red flags of abusive behaviour and who also enjoys validation. The abuser then manipulates that person into giving them the attention and validation they need in return. It’s a power game, and it’s all about control.
Strength and resilience don’t necessarily prevent trauma bonds and abuse, just as vulnerability doesn’t mean someone will be abused. Abusers use manipulation, charm, and love-bombing to gain control, sometimes targeting strong, independent, high-functioning and successful people because they present a challenge or provide social validation. They gradually undermine the victim’s confidence, self-worth, and independence over time, creating a dynamic where the victim begins to doubt themselves and feel trapped.
It’s crucial to recognise that abuse is never the fault of the victim. No one “asks for it” or "allows it" by being too compassionate, trusting, or open-hearted. Abusers are responsible for their actions; their patterns are all about power and control, not about the strength or weakness of their partner. Victims often internalise blame, but manipulation and abuse are designed to be insidious. If someone doesn’t realise they’re being controlled, coerced, or conditioned, they cannot consent to it in any meaningful way.
Not all victims/survivors come from abusive or violent backgrounds – this is another common belief, and I used to think the same! Anyone can find themselves in an unsafe relationship, regardless of their upbringing. Some of us grew up with love, respect, and safety, only to later find ourselves in a relationship that was anything but. While cycles of abuse and violence can be learned in childhood, it’s not the only pathway. The major factors include: being highly empathetic, not knowing the red flags and having a crack in your self-worth.
Awareness is everything! What matters is finding your way back to safety, healing, and love –within yourself, with family, friends, and the community.
Steps to break the trauma bond
Acknowledge you're in a trauma bond
It’s hard to recognise when you're in a trauma bond, but by reading this, you’ve already started the process – this is the first step.
Go no contact
You may come up with reasons why no contact doesn’t apply to you, but I’m telling you – it does. No contact is essential! You cannot heal in an environment that makes you sick. The abuser is not only the drug – they’re also the dealer. They control your emotional supply (praise and provoke), giving them total control over your feelings and state of being. Cut off all contact. If you have children or legal proceedings, you must minimise interactions, no emotional exchange is crucial, and no personal communication at all. If you want to break the trauma bond, you need to be in an environment free of emotional triggers. Even with the best therapists, it’s impossible to heal while still in contact with the abuser. Psychologists and psychiatrists agree that no contact is the most important and also the most challenging step.
Regulate your nervous system
Once you remove the “drug”, your nervous system begins to regulate. The brain fog lifts, and clarity returns; you’ll start to navigate life with more ease. You’ll experience a lot of ruminating, but there are practical tools, like journaling, emotional freedom techniques, breathwork and connecting with nature, that help you integrate emotion and energy through your body and realign with peace.
Seek professional support
Trauma-informed therapists have tools and strategies available to regulate your nervous system, integrate the trauma, practice resilience, stay no contact, rebuild self-worth, and educate you on the red flags so this doesn’t happen again in future relationships. Focusing your attention inward to restore your emotional health is essential. The inner work you’ll need to do is to reflect on what the trauma bond gave you. The abuser offered something that led you to fall into this trauma bond trap. You need to understand what unmet need you had that made you vulnerable to the trauma-bond dynamic. There’s likely a fracture in your self-worth that you need to explore. Working with a trauma-informed therapist or coach can be invaluable during this process. It’s so important to gain an understanding and integrate the trauma to ensure the bond is broken. Healing is essential so you attract a safe, respectful, stable, consistent and peaceful relationship and not fall into a trauma-bond trap again. Healing has its own time and process; it’s okay to ask for help as you recover.
Join online support groups
These groups provide a safe and understanding space to share experiences, gain insights, and receive validation, reassurance and encouragement from others who've walked a similar path. Connecting with people who understand the complexities of trauma bonds can help break feelings of isolation and reinforce a healthy perspective. Through shared wisdom and mutual support, these groups empower individuals to rebuild their sense of self and move forward with strength.
Focus on your well-being
Prioritising your well-being - physically, emotionally, and mentally - is key to breaking free from a trauma bond. Creating distance from the abuser and setting firm boundaries allows you to reconnect with yourself. Flow-state activities such as creativity, music, art, movement, or learning a new skill help rewire your brain, replacing the dopamine-driven highs and lows of toxic love with genuine fulfilment. These activities trigger feel-good neurotransmitters like dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins, regulating your nervous system and restoring emotional balance. Since trauma bonds thrive in chaos, grounding practices like meditation, breathwork, and therapy help reestablish a sense of safety and autonomy. Healing takes time, but every act of self-care and self-connection moves you closer to freedom and authentic love.
If your friend or family member is in a trauma bond
From the outside, it can be clear when someone you love is trauma-bonded in a relationship with an abuser. But pointing this out to them rarely helps – if they’re not ready to acknowledge it often
makes them push you away. If you have a friend or family member caught in a trauma-bond cycle, let them know you’re there for them, even if you don’t fully understand their situation.
If your loved one has acknowledged the trauma-bond cycle and is now in recovery, they will change for the better as they continually heal emotionally and psychologically. If they follow the guidelines above, they'll develop stronger boundaries, clear communication, sovereign strength and a whole new “no bullshit” approach to life. It’s a journey, and although challenging at times, ultimately, it’s incredibly empowering.
If you're hurting someone, this is what you need to understand about trauma bonding
Abusers don’t usually read articles like this, but a two-sided approach is needed for collective change. If you realise your behaviour matches what’s described, please understand the harm you're causing. Trauma bonding isn’t love – it’s manipulation. The highs and lows of control, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation deeply hurt the person you're with.
If you recognise these patterns in yourself, here’s what you can do:
Acknowledge the harm
You have internalised patterns from your past that contribute to how you treat others. Acknowledging that your behaviour is harmful is the key step in changing those patterns. Be honest with yourself about the power dynamics in your relationships.
Understand the addiction
The highs and lows of an abusive cycle are addictive, especially when there’s an emotional dependence on control, validation, or power. Reflect on whether you’re using the other person to try and satisfy your emotional needs in unhealthy ways. Understand that genuine love doesn't thrive on manipulation or fear.
Take accountability
A big part of healing is taking genuine responsibility for your behaviour. This means not deflecting blame, not minimising, and not offering empty apologies that keep the cycle going. Apologies only carry weight when followed by genuine and sustained change.
Commit to an abuser intervention program
Abusive behaviour is a symptom of unresolved trauma and unresolved matters. An Abuser Intervention Program can help you understand the root causes of your behaviour and help you create change. This may not be an easy path, but it's crucial if you genuinely want to stop the harmful behaviour cycle. To be accepted into these programs, you must be 100% honest (not even 1% denial) about your harmful behaviour and have a strong network of family and friends holding you accountable; this support system is also crucial because many abusers drop out of programs thinking everything is “fine”.
Respect people’s boundaries
If the person you’ve been involved with has decided to go no contact or create distance – respect their decision. This might be their first step toward healing, and when you push against it, it only causes more harm. You cannot allow someone to heal if you continue re-traumatising them.
Self-reflection
To stop the cycle of abuse, you need to focus on understanding your insecurities, vulnerabilities, shame and trauma. Then, look at how they manifest in your relationships. Acknowledging this can be uncomfortable, but it’s the beginning of transforming how you relate with others. Your actions have consequences and genuine love is about mutual respect, not control. True healing starts with honesty, accountability and responsibility to change the behavioural patterns that hurt others.
Commit to change
True change takes time, effort, and accountability. If you genuinely desire to stop harming others, take responsibility, educate yourself on emotional intelligence, and learn to engage in relationships with respect and empathy.
Trauma-bonds on a collective level
Trauma bonding isn’t limited to intimate relationships; it can also manifest on a larger scale, within communities, organisations, and entire societies. In these environments, silent power imbalances provide fertile ground for abusive behaviour to thrive. Individuals or groups can become trapped in toxic cycles of control and manipulation due to a lack of awareness. Whether in the workplace, families, or social circles, people can become enmeshed in patterns of abuse, mirroring the dynamic of intimate partner trauma bonds.
Breaking free starts with awareness. The first step in reclaiming power is recognising the trauma bond and these cycles of abuse, whether personal or collective. By acknowledging the abusive dynamics, we can disrupt and dismantle them. Although breaking such cycles can feel overwhelming, true liberation is in each person’s ability to question what’s considered "normal" and reclaim their autonomy. Healing begins when we take responsibility for stepping out of these abusive cycles and creating healthy and empowering environments where all individuals can thrive.
We’re all healing and transforming, so ask yourself: Am I creating a safe pace within myself—and for others—where true healing and transformation can occur?
Choose yourself today
Breaking free from a trauma bond is one of the hardest but most empowering things you’ll ever do. You deserve a life free from manipulation and control – a life where love feels safe, consistent, respectful and nurturing. If you recognise yourself in this article, take the next step. Reach out for support, educate yourself on healthy relationships, and prioritise your healing. True love feels safe in your body when you’re with your partner. You are worthy of safety, peace, and unconditional respect.
If you're ready to take that next step, contact me today to start your journey toward healing and reclaiming your power. You don’t have to do this alone – help is available, and your bright future is waiting.
Kate Alderman, Somatic Sexologist
Kate Alderman is a Somatic Sexologist, Intimacy & Relationships Coach, Psychedelic Integration Coach, EFT Practitioner, and the founder of: You’re A Strong Woman Foundation – Domestic Violence Prevention and Recovery. With over a decade of experience in plant medicine and extensive expertise in sexual empowerment, Kate supports individuals and couples in reclaiming their power, healing, and thriving through embodied practices and transformative coaching. She offers a safe, judgment-free, compassionate space for deep healing and integration, using somatic therapy, EFT, and a trauma-informed, body-based approach. As a survivor of intimate partner violence, Kate is committed to supporting others on their recovery journey and raising awareness about domestic violence. She excels at bridging the gap between science and spirituality, delivering her wisdom in a practical context that inspires, motivates, and offers new perspectives.
