Written by: Ryan Light, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Any trauma will affect you, but three distinct parts of ourselves act differently.
These parts are what I refer to as the 3 Essences:
The Adult Self (Rational Self)
The Inner Child (Emotional Self)
The Protective Self
When you can grasp the various ways each "self" operates, you will be able to discern the differences in how you speak, cope, and react.
The Adult Self
The adult self is also known as the rational self. This side of you is the part that gets stuck in your story goes fishing for diagnoses and justifications for your behavior.
You attempt to rationalize the way you feel by going to the "Why?" instead of the "What?".
From this part, you look for those things to pin the blame on, whether that involves experiences, others, or yourself.
The adult self is a place where you end up taking over the role of an abuser and becoming the toxic one. Self-sabotage is just one example of the adult self-playing the role of abuser.
Self-sabotage is a self-fulfilling prophecy that comes true. You sabotage due to limiting beliefs, which makes those beliefs a reality. Unfortunately, this is a reality that manifests from your own two hands.
The Inner Child
The second essence is your inner child or emotional self. This is where your feelings lie, as well as a constant tug of war with your rational self.
Your inner child just wants to "feel." It wants to be seen, heard, validated, and loved.
Due to trauma, your inner child has been suppressed. This is where you stuff down your emotions avoid and distract from feeling them.
Unhealthy coping comes from an attempt to silence your inner child, which only makes them scream out in pain even more. Therefore, no amount of "coping" ever is enough. You may be able to muffle those screams for a few days, weeks, months, or even years, but eventually, they'll break through again, each time voicing their pain in a louder decibel than before.
The Protective Self
The "walls" we build come from our protective self. It is a paradox.
You would think your protective self would be doing things to protect you when in actuality, the walls it builds are what end up hurting you.
When the original trauma takes place, the protective self takes over and does what your body needs to "survive" at that time. This could include dissociation, suppression, or any number of ways to get you through the initial shock and pain.
The problem evolves when your protective self decides to stick around and continue utilizing those same ways to "protect" you. Survival mode may be necessary initially, but just as those walls are not protection, surviving is not living.
The walls become higher and higher when you refuse to address the original trauma. Fear builds, lack of trust dissipates, unhealthy coping mechanisms multiply, distraction and avoidance increase, and your relationships can never fully blossom as you continue to add instead of subtracting one brick after another.
Becoming Whole Again
Healing is about reintegrating your adult self and inner child as one.
This involves becoming aware of your protective self and the unhealthy coping mechanisms it utilizes.
Once you become aware of when and how your protective self-acts, you can then learn to shift unhealthy coping and give your inner child the voice it needs by sitting with your feelings instead of avoiding them.
By breaking down those walls of the protective self, you begin to build trust with your inner child. When you choose to sit with and listen to them, they begin to feel you are the safe space they have been searching for.
And when you can create this haven, it allows you the chance to uncover, validate and heal all of the suppressed hurt, pain, and trauma you've been attempting to run from.
This will also allow you to cultivate the tools you'll need in the future to deal with whatever life decides to throw at you healthily.
Remember, becoming whole again does not mean fixing what is broken because YOU ARE NOT BROKEN!
It simply means reconnecting those pieces of yourself that were unexpectedly (and unfortunately) separated at some point in time due to trauma.
Read more from Ryan!
Ryan Light, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ryan Light is a mental health coach, author, thought leader, and influencer in the mental health space. Having spent 20 years of his life attempting to run, avoid and hide from the pain of his childhood and adolescence. He struggled with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), depression, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and panic disorder. After contemplating suicide, Ryan decided to finally confront his traumas through what he now coins “Feeling Work” and heal the real issues plaguing him with various mental health disorders. Today, his passion lies in guiding others through their struggles with anxiety, depression, and/or trauma through such avenues as social media, public speaking, self-paced courses, e-books, live workshops, and 1:1 coaching.
