Cherie is a change maker bringing an innovative style of leadership development to women in influential roles. As an innovative professional at the intersection of leadership development and psychology, with over two decades of experience, she has masterfully integrated her clinical & leadership acumen creating a unique integrative approach that fosters amplified growth and sustainable change for individuals and organisations alike.
When we talk about toxic femininity, it’s often in the context of personal relationships. However, the impact of this mindset isn’t confined to romantic entanglements—it seeps into our work environments too, especially in interactions between women and their female colleagues. The corporate arena we’ve fought tooth and nail to infiltrate isn’t just a workplace—it’s a battlefield, with war strategies penned by a predominantly male pen. We’ve adapted, we’ve survived, and some of us have even thrived. But let’s get real: at what cost?
Toxic femininity manifests when women climb the corporate ladder only to become critical of and work against other women. It reinforces the flawed idea that there’s only room for one woman at the top. Unlike traditional toxic traits like aggression or overconfidence, toxic femininity often presents as passive-aggressive and undermining. Among women in the corporate and executive sectors, this becomes a downward spiral of denying themselves and denying the connection of other women.
What is toxic femininity?
Toxic femininity stems from the internalisation and expression of negative emotions caused by shame, guilt, rejection, frustration, and other painful experiences. It’s a mindset of helplessness, where a woman believes she’s no longer worthy of respect or approval. This mindset often emerges when women face the stark contrast between their aspirations and their lived reality.
But let’s pivot to the workplace. The boardroom often becomes a stage where ingrained, negatively comparative relational dynamics transform diminishing self-worth into survival-driven retaliation. Here’s how toxic femininity manifests in professional settings:
The workplace manifestation
The approval-seeking syndrome
In the corporate world, many women chase validation as a means to secure promotions, reflecting the "only room for one" mentality. This can manifest as an unhealthy need for approval, where worth is tied to pleasing or impressing those in power. Such dependence fosters self-doubt and diminished self-worth when validation is not received. As we are sucked further into this space of vulnerability, we grab for any hand up out of it, and what is often available is a maladaptive, masculine-by-design, survival strategy.
This survival mode turns women into competitors rather than collaborators. The drive to outperform not only men but other women creates a cutthroat environment. It’s akin to a brutal game of musical chairs with a single seat for women, where the struggle to secure a place often leaves other women hurt. We surrender our usual emotive conscientiousness for pure survival drive.
The perfection trap
Just as toxic femininity in personal relationships can drive women to pursue an unattainable ideal of perfection, the same can happen in the workplace. Women might set unrealistically high standards for themselves—whether in their appearance, work performance, or professional demeanor—only to be met with frustration and self-loathing when these standards are impossible to achieve. For generations, we’ve been fed the idea that the “perfect woman” is a singular entity. Society has long conditioned us to compete for this mythical spot, creating a landscape where if we see someone else occupying it, we’re led to believe we’re not good enough.
This societal conditioning fosters animosity rather than solidarity among women. We’ve been taught to view each other as threats rather than allies, leading to toxic, comparative relationships. This mentality is ingrained from our earliest years, perpetuating a cycle of competition and discord. When this trap spills over, it becomes a dam break aimed directly at our female colleagues. In our quest to be taken seriously by the boys' club, we often turn on our own. Women may scrutinize and criticize each other harshly in an attempt to prove their worth in a male-dominated environment, which perpetuates stereotypes and isolates them from potential support.
Sure, you might win that popularity contest by knocking a competitor out of the race. You might leave her shattered and humiliated. But at what cost? This toxic behavior isolates us, undermines our credibility, and perpetuates the stereotypes we’re striving to overcome. It sends those we undermine straight into therapy—not the growth-oriented kind, but the
fix-my-broken-self type.
The alignment dilemma
Women internalizing toxic femininity may feel pressured to conform to masculine norms to gain acceptance in a male-dominated workplace. This often involves adopting behaviors contrary to their authentic selves, reinforcing structures that oppress them. Female leaders sometimes perpetuate microaggressions and toxic behaviors, aligning with power holders at the expense of their own integrity and the well-being of their female colleagues.
Interestingly, it is often the female leaders who deliver the most impacting microaggressions toward women in the workforce, including sexually aggressive remarks disguised as banter. Yes, it’s a survival tactic, but it comes at a steep price. Aligning with the power holder who holds your promotion in the palm of their hand, especially when they relate with toxic traits themselves, makes you an accomplice to that toxicity. Of course, choosing not to align can mean risking your own progression.
The struggle to align with power holders can foster mistrust among women. Outward appearances of courtesy may mask underlying paranoia and suspicion, mirroring historical patterns of women turning on each other in times of crisis. Consider the centuries of witch trials throughout history and we see exactly this among the community of women. When the risks became too high at the hands of the masculine authorities, women turned on each to seek out their own survival. I find it fascinating that the same human dynamic occurs in our so-called civilised and professional boardrooms.
The validation dependency
Any woman who externalises her sense of worth onto others—be it bosses, family, or friends—is at risk of toxic femininity. This dependency on external validation can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-rejection when affirmation is not received. Conforming to masculine norms often involves abandoning feminine strengths, contributing to an environment of stress and isolation.
We learn to “walk like a man” and “talk like a man” even with each other, diminishing the value of collaborative female qualities, leading to a loss of personal identity and internal stability. The quest to meet external expectations at the expense of self can be devastating. When the focus becomes so heavily upon “what I need to be for you”, awareness of “what I choose to be for myself” is surrendered.
The impact on professional dynamics
When toxic femininity infiltrates work-based relationships, it can lead to a culture where women compete against each other for approval or success, leading to animosity instead of solidarity. It increases stress, anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy among women who struggle to meet impossible standards or gain approval. Women may find themselves in roles or behaviors that undermine their growth, perpetuating a cycle of validation-seeking and self-doubt.
Often all that is left are the myriad of justifications and excuses to bring validation to the underhanded slights of behaviour that are being perpetrated against other women. There becomes a desperate indulgence in minimisations and denial to be able to cope with the cognitive dissonance that we are left grappling with. Ultimately, as a woman, we become harmful to other women and become harmful to ourselves. The price for swallowing the propaganda that we must ‘be’ by the masculine strategy book if we want a place at the boardroom table.
Breaking the cycle: Steps to heal and empower
Self-awareness and reflection
Begin by reflecting on how toxic femininity might be impacting your work life.
Are you seeking approval from others at the expense of your own well-being?
Are you setting unrealistic standards for yourself?
Therapy can be a valuable tool in unpacking these issues and fostering self-awareness.
Reclaiming authenticity
Embrace your unique strengths and authentic self.
Resist the pressure to conform to masculine norms or to seek validation through external means.
Confidence in your own identity is a powerful antidote to toxic femininity.
Building supportive networks
Cultivate genuine, supportive relationships with other women in the workplace, despite the risk this presents initially.
Opt for collaboration over competition and mutual support over rivalry to create a healthier work environment.
Consider how you can action this in small ways.
Challenging internalised beliefs
Address the internalised beliefs that contribute to feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness.
Recognise how systemic conditioning has led you to believe that competition is necessary for safety.
Therapy can help reframe these beliefs and foster a more positive self-view.
Creating healthy boundaries
Establish clear boundaries with colleagues and superiors to protect your well-being.
Set limits on the validation you seek and prioritize your mental health.
Advocating for change
Use your voice to challenge and change toxic workplace cultures
Advocate for women who are both delivering and receiving the brunt of this feminine toxicity to support awareness and learning on both sides.
Address actions in yourself that perpetuate these patterns.
Toxic femininity is not just a personal issue; it affects women across industries and roles. By recognizing and addressing these patterns, we can foster a more supportive and collaborative workplace environment. It’s time to reject impossible standards and societal pressures and embrace a leadership style that celebrates authenticity, collaboration, and mutual support.
In truth as women, we are in fact natural leaders of our communities and as a collective we are quite formidable.
Cherie Dorotich, Clinical & Organisational Integrative Therapist
Cherie is a change maker bringing an innovative style of leadership development to women in influential roles. As an innovative professional at the intersection of leadership development and psychology, with over two decades of experience, she has masterfully integrated her clinical & leadership acumen creating a unique integrative approach that fosters amplified growth and sustainable change for individuals and organisations alike. Cherie's mission is to inspire individuals to transcend their boundaries, viewing themselves as dynamic agents of change with the capability to innovate, influence, and transform. She is unwavering in her commitment to ethically enhance the professional & personal lives of others.
