Written by: Emer O'Donnell, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Teenagers need 'A good adult' in their lives. Never doubt it even if they are pushing you away. I will explain the value of this term and what this means soon, but first, let me tell you a story.
While walking my daughter to school where she was nailing her Superwoman outfit, allowed because of Superhero Day, I couldn't help but notice something as we were in our place of joy. It was the faces of people driving their cars who displayed no visible emotion of any joy. Not one was smiling or looked the least bit relaxed. How can I say this with conviction? Well, a smile is a universal sign and recognized as such. It is a show of happiness. Even if we are not happy and we start smiling we start to feel happier. Laughing yoga classes are attended by millions around the globe for a reason.
It dawned on me that if as adults we are struggling to muster up a smile, and are unable to find more joy in the present moment in our daily lives, as we could do as children, that was not a good thing. The balance in favor of the scales of wellbeing will remain very much out of kilter in our post-pandemic lives and it won’t be much fun for our teenagers to hang out with us either.
We are usually not at our best when stressed or anxious unless of course we are running away from a tiger in the jungle, and we need to stand and fight or take the flight to avoid it. In our modern world, it is difficult for our bodies to differentiate between real-life threats and imagined ones. We can end up in a place of unchallenged fears that impact the quality of our emotional choices, decision-making, and feedback. We can end up not in our power emotions of courage, joy, and love but stuck instead in other options like guilt, shame, and anger which won't deliver what we want.
Ultimately children learn from us. Stress, anxiety, and fear are not the conditions for good learning, creativity, well-being, building confidence, and performance. Children of stressed parents are more likely to say they feel stress than children whose parents don't show signs of it.
We know children deserve the right conditions to thrive in their lives and parents who care want to provide this. They have had enough of a rough ride already these past few years. It is just that parents are not able to anticipate all the needs of their children all the time, but we can learn to develop better self-awareness around our fears and get better at making real connections.
Why is this important?
It is because meaningful connection and positive relationships in our lives and especially within families, a core foundation unit of our society, are essential for our good mental and physical health. Let's take a step backward before going forward to try and figure out what is going on here.
Pre-pandemic the World Economic Forum 2019 Global report highlighted that 'We have an increasingly anxious, unhappy, and lonely world where anger is on the rise and empathy appears in decline'. A common theme they found is that 'psychological stress is related to a feeling of lack of control in the face of uncertainty. https://www.weforum.org/reports/the-global-risks-report-2019/
Then wham bang the pandemic hit and the world we lived in became even more of a pressure cooker, with the heat turned up high on uncertainty and loss of connection. An always turned-on culture because of technology we know impacts our mental health. As does presenteeism. This is where employees work when they are not at their best. Many of us know the feeling that just because you are present at work or are expected to be, if you are ill and still show up you can struggle to give your best. Not being able to find your voice to say you are too ill to show up doesn't support us mentally either.
So, as grown-ups, it is important firstly to stop and recognize if we are feeling over-stressed and anxious now regardless of our teenagers. A post-pandemic study has shown adults are experiencing more of the following blues since covid landed.
+42% experience mental health decline
+67% have increased stress
+57% have increased anxiety
+54% feel emotionally exhausted
+50% feel sad
+53% feel irritable
+28% have trouble concentrating/thinking
+20% take longer to finish tasks
+12% are challenged to juggle responsibilities
It is important to recognize that the more stressed and anxious we are, it can have a knock-on impact on our other relationships. It is harder to be the loving, objective, calm, and ‘good adult’ your teenager needs.
What is a good adult?
A good adult is available for their teenager and one they feel they can turn to and talk about their challenges, their screw-ups, as and when they happen in their lives.
Someone where they feel the door is always open, where they will be listened to and not judged. They get enough judgment already in their daily lives from social media, education, peers, etc. Their internal negative dialogue about themselves can be in full judgment mode too.
It is also someone who can clearly communicate along with having a real concern for the impact of the message given. So, no throwing a load of negative emotions around, no personal insults about them or their friend's behavior, or adding blame into the mix. It is about sticking to the facts in a calm, unflustered state, working things out, and enabling learning for the future. Like a great boss.
A good adult is not about being a helicopter parent who takes over their teenager's life, in rescue mode 24/7. Young people will never learn this way. It is more about being a light house parent. A guiding light so they can see the rocks ahead and if they crash into them, they are guided home. It is about helping them understand who they are, so they make better decisions in their lives while taking responsibility for these too. It is about us adults not telling them what and how to do things all the time. It is not letting our stuff and fears for their future get in the way of their progress as they journey into adulthood.
Why is a good adult needed?
Simply put young people need support to be able to manage all the external pressures in their lives, to be able to connect the dots to find their way through their learning challenges, plus be better equipped to be able to reconnect and know themselves. If they don't know who they are or what makes them tick, they can feel very much lost at sea. Adolescence is a vulnerable time for their mental health and without the support of a 'good adult', they are more prone to stress, anxiety, depression, and suicide. Indeed, suicide is now the biggest killer of 10- to 35-year-olds and self-harm is significantly on the rise too.
So, what is to be done to get back on track to address the parenting teenager blues?
A key component is to create more natural joy in our lives. When we are in this place stress and anxiety get pushed out of our attention space. We become more available, and more approachable, all key to connection with our teenagers.
Top Tips.
A. Practice gratitude.
Before getting out of bed in the morning find five things you are grateful for and say these out loud. This will activate the happiness hormone, dopamine in the brain and refocus it.
B. Create a joy diary
Remember our brain is programmed to respond to our instruction but it is normally let run riot. It also loves to stick with old habits and thought patterns. We need to reprogramme it by getting it to refocus and in this instance, it will be directed to find more daily life joy.
1. Get a notepad or use your phone to record your thoughts and have it accessible for two weeks.
2. Write down all the feeling-good moments you experience in your day, looking for ten per day, both big and small.
3. Every time you find something joyful, no matter how small, record it, e.g., the sound of a favorite song, the smell of flowers, feeling an achievement, seeing something beautiful.
4. Every evening look at your notes and find the top 'feeling good' moments you most enjoyed and relive these.
It can be a challenge initially but keep going. With practice, your brain will be in training to look for more joyful experiences while filtering out those that are not. The more daily joy it brings to your attention the less you are focused on old thoughts. New joyful memories can also lift your mood, so you are calmer with your teenager when they are around.
For further learning and tips on teenage parenting visit this free masterclass www.teenreconnect.com/masterclass
Emer O'Donnell, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Emer O'Donnell’s work focuses on removing fear from young people’s lives and supporting adults not to create it with their own fears. As a specialist coach, she understands what successful people do differently to achieve well-being and performance. Her mission is to bring that learning to young people, so they are empowered to transform their lives, find their purpose, and thrive in our modern, stressful world. She combines 5 factors to achieve this outcome ‒ Science, Psychology, Coaching, and the 7Q Fast Track TeenReconnect Formula. She’s a Founder of TeenReconnect and a creator of Q Pathfinder.
