Written by: Stevie Orrill, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I knew it. I just knew it.
Not that I was going to deliver my speech flawlessly, or that the audience would be wowed with my powerful performance. Those things were inconsequential.
I knew that after weeks of sacrifice and preparation, that come to the end of the day - whether it was perceived successful or not - that I would get stupidly and irrationally drunk.
That was my thing. I’d done it for years. It was my way of releasing pressure. It’s a normal thing to do, right?
In fact, I was quite good at it. I’d mastered the art of numbing my senses sufficiently to have fun, but not so much to chance anything regrettable.
That required a fair amount of effort in itself. Being alert enough to know when to say “yes” and when to say “no” is more exhausting than you might think.
But despite my effort to be perceived as a person who was in control and thriving in life, the reality is that I was a willing accomplice to the suppression of my inherent potential. And I was the chief torturer of my soul.
I’m not saying that anyone who enjoys a glass of wine or indulges in other sensual pleasures is killing their potential. There is a distinction between doing something for enhanced enjoyment, versus numbing our reality because it’s too painful to look at.
Most of us have never been made aware of this, or we never sit still long enough to think about it. The outcome of the numbing or soothing behaviour we indulge in is that we recklessly destroy our ability to thrive and find fulfilment in life.
And when I say soothing behaviour, I’m talking about things like… Sex & Relationships, Alcohol & Drugs, Food, Media, and Overwork.
You might recognise some of the above behaviours, or maybe you have other preferences. These are the rituals we have conditioned ourselves to do over and over again, often without even conscious recognition, and often without even enjoying them. We do it because it feels good. It provides immediate and temporary pleasure.
And it becomes so natural to us, so part of our routine, that we don’t even know we’re doing it. We don’t know why we were doing it. And we have no idea how our automated behaviour is supressing our talent and creativity.
Why do we indulge in soothing behaviour?
Very simply, it feels good. It sooths our discomfort. For the same reason a doctor prescribes morphine to a wounded patient, it provides temporary pain relief.
Each of us are carrying emotional wounds inflicted by past traumas. And When I say each of us, I’ve yet to meet a human who doesn’t carry some kind of emotional wounding. Many of these wounds have been there for years. We become so numb to them, so attached to them, we actually believe that we are them.
Instead of getting curious about our emotional wounds and exploring them, it’s much more convenient to get drunk, to eat until we feel sick, or to stay up all night working. At least that way we don’t have to look at the truth.
What I want you to know more than anything, is that your preferred choice of soothing – just like morphine - will only ever provide temporary relief. The longer you ignore the root cause of the pain you are soothing, the worse it will get.
Much more terrifying though is the talent you are withholding from the world as a result of your self-destructive soothing behaviour. You have no idea just how good life can be.
You are actively limiting the possibility and potential that you brought into the world. It’s not just a sad reality. It’s destroying your enjoyment of life.
Here’s three ways we allow trauma to limit us, and how we can begin to change it.
1. We convince ourselves we’re not worthy of “success”.
A client called Jane (not her real name) began a coaching agreement with me. During our first session, Jane described in detail her experience as a victim of the most horrendous mental and physical abuse you could imagine. It was an emotional conversation.
On the surface she was a well-functioning adult. She was in a great marriage, lots of friends to surround herself with, and a radiant personality.
As we went deeper into the coaching Jane opened up about her beliefs. She thought her husband was way too good for her. She constantly worried that her friends were going to “figure her out” and abandon her. She had an extremely low opinion of herself and didn’t believe she was particularly talented at anything.
And here’s the most tragic part of the story. Jane is incredibly talented. She has a love for working with psychotic patients and helping them navigate life. But because she spends most of her energy looking over her shoulder, wondering when everyone is going to leave her, she has very little energy left to focus on what she loves.
Guys and girls… do not underestimate this. I see it every single day. Most of us are walking around with incredibly low opinions of ourselves.
Most of us are happy to take whatever good bit of fortune comes our way. We rarely ever believe that we’re worthy of anything better.
2. We become targets for manipulators to exploit.
A number of years ago I was working in the corporate world. I travelled to meet with a customer at the request of a partner I was supporting, as I would often do.
There was a nasty storm hanging over the UK with rain and high winds. It wasn’t a fun drive.
I arrived at the meeting on time. The lady who had asked me to attend made a joke about my choice not to wear a tie to the meeting. I rarely ever do. It’s not my preferred choice. I see no reason to.
The meeting lasted about three hours. We presented to the client. Everything went to plan. I got in my car and set off on the drive home.
A few hours later – sat in traffic – I was talking with my boss on the phone. We discussed a number of topics and then he said ominously, “There’s something I want to talk to you about.”
“Sure.” I replied.
He continued, “We’ve received a complaint about you” (from the partner who I’d spent an entire day supporting).
“Apparently you were unprofessional throughout the meeting today.” He then went on to list of number of complaints which he had written in front of him. None of which were remotely true.
It turns out that the lady I was helping didn’t like my choice of clothing attire. In particular, she didn’t like the fact that I had chosen not to wear a tie.
So, as manipulators like to do, she attempted to use the system to exert some sort of control over me. It was a petty complaint. It went nowhere. But I hated it.
Years earlier, I would have done what I was asked to do. I would have apologised for not conforming and stepped in line with other people’s expectations of me.
But I know how empty and worthless conforming to other people’s expectations leaves me feeling. I know how relinquishing my freedom of expression antagonises my soul.
So, I stood up for myself. I’d done nothing wrong. It still didn’t feel great to receive a complaint but here’s what’s important…
Manipulators don’t stop manipulating because you do what they ask you to do. They just find something else to control. And then something else.
If you don’t take a stand today, you take yourself on a journey that leads to a place where there’s very little left of what’s uniquely you. And when you give away your individuality you begin to question everything about yourself. You deprive the world of your potential and deprive yourself of any joy.
So, take a stand. Believe in yourself. Know who you are. And don’t let the bully’s define what you’re capable of.
3. We lose sight of what we’re trying to achieve.
Before working with a potential client, I ask them to complete a short form. It gives me an idea of what they want to be coached on.
One of the questions I ask is “what is your big mission?” I want to know what people are passionate about, and what kind of change they are driven to create in the world.
There are no wrong or right answers. It is an open-ended question. I’m always interested to read what people respond with.
It surprises me how many of the responses talk about profit, income, financial security, target retirement age, or personal wealth, as their big mission in life.
It speaks to the standard measure of success in today’s world, and the pressure we put ourselves under to be financially successful.
Let me be clear, I am not anti-money. I desire financial abundance in my life and encourage others to do the same. Making money is no one’s big mission.
Simon Sinek says, “Profit isn't a purpose, it's a result. To have purpose means the things we do are of real value to others.”
He talks about advancing a Just Cause, and that there are five criteria for it to be a Just Cause. It must be 1) for something, 2) inclusive, 3) service oriented, 4) resilient, and 5) idealistic.
A just cause or a big mission isn’t something that typically reveals itself overnight. It evolves over time. I love to help people get clear with their big mission.
Our origin stories hold massive clues as to what we are truly passionate about. A significant part of feeling value beyond our compensation is working on something bigger than ourselves.
Find your mission and be in it for the long haul. Most people overestimate what they can accomplish in one year, but underestimate what they can accomplish in 5 or 10 years. Commit to something for the next 25 years.
Your secret weapon is the patient execution of what everyone else knows they should be doing.
Stevie Orrill, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Stevie Orrill is a leading mindset coach. Following an epiphany that his traumatic childhood meant that he was relying on outdated survival-based programming, he made a conscious choice not to settle for a life that isn't fully aligned with his true purpose. Directed by the powerful experience of his own personal transformation, he is an expert at taking high achievers to become the fulfilled and fearless leaders they were born to be. His mission is to create a reality where people wake up every day feeling on purpose, fulfilled, and in love with their lives. He is the founder of Today Will Be, and his work is underscored by a belief that every human can achieve extraordinary things if they choose to connect with them. He has created programs that transform the life experience of others.
