Written by: Dr. Tonia Winchester, Executive Contributor Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
We all need leadership in our lives. At different times, in different ways, we all find ourselves on either side of the leadership equation. Sometimes we lead, whether that’s a team, a family, or a partnership. And sometimes we follow whether that’s a cultural norm, a politician, doctor, or coach.
You may be wondering, like I’ve been wondering, what makes a good leader? It’s good to wonder because that means that your unconscious mind is here, and you’re learning.
I’ve been wondering, What makes good leaders lead easily? What if there was a formula to make leadership simple?
Not without challenges, of course, but what if there was a map or a guide to follow? So that when hard things do happen that we have something to refer to – a compass to get us back on track.
As a starting place, let’s consider what it takes to be leaders in our own lives. You and I both know that the best leaders embody certain characteristics and qualities. These are things we can learn, practice, and habituate into excellence.
As a Naturopathic Doctor and a Neurolinguistics Programming Master Coach, I lead people to overcome challenges all the time by changing how their minds are wired, so they can focus on what’s important to them, ultimately leading them to the health and life that they desire.
I’m committed to giving people the transformation and the tools they need so that they can lead themselves to physical and emotional well-being. Then they can overcome any challenge with ease.
I’m asking for your commitment. Read this article with your conscious mind and know your unconscious mind is here too, wondering and learning.
On the topic of the unconscious mind…
You know those moments in life that disarm you, that shatter what you believed to be true, that change how you see the world?
I had one of those moments last summer.
While reading a light-hearted book about consciously creating more luck (Conscious Luck by Gay Hendricks), I was gutted by this paragraph:
“If you’re lonely, it’s because, on an unconscious level, you’re more committed to being lonely than you are to being connected. If you’re overweight, it’s because, on an unconscious level, you’re more committed to being overweight than you are to being at a healthy weight. Your unconscious commitment to being overweight literally “outweighs” your conscious commitment to being at your ideal weight… If you’re unlucky, it’s because on some level (again, usually unconscious) you’re committed to being unlucky.”
Woof. This got me in my core because I know this. I teach my brain-based coaching clients about commitment and how important it is to be 100% committed to the healing process, including the assignments I give them. I tell them that metaphorically if a pilot is leaving Vancouver and is only 99% committed to landing on the runway in Hawaii that she’ll land 75 km away from it.
If we are only 99% committed to the path to success, we are 1% committed to failing, which is essentially being 100% committed to failing because 99% just won’t cut it,
Speaking of failing exams…
Decades ago, In my second year at Naturopathic college, my near flawless academic record became tarnished. For the first time in my life, I failed something. To be more accurate, I failed three somethings. Three. Midterms.
Yikes.
My first year of naturopathic college was mostly a review of my undergraduate degree in kinesiology. I already knew a lot, so I shifted my study habits, studied less, and still did great academically.
In that first semestre of my second year, I remained committed to my minimal studying approach, and this just didn’t cut it for me to be able to learn new material.
So there I was, having failed three midterms, terrified to tell my parents that I wasn’t reaching the bar. In a Google Chat with my Dad, I typed the bad news and winced, waiting for his reply with my hands in front of my face and fingers spread as if I was watching a scary part in a horror movie. Not wanting to look, but needing to see.
You’ll never guess what he said to me. It shocked and surprised me. It was one of those moments that changed my life.
He said ten words, “Are you getting enough exercise? It’s all about balance, sweetie.”
My Dad recently passed away. In late June, he was admitted to the Intensive Care Unit after choking and his heart-stopping. He had a neurological manifestation that changed how his brain coordinated important muscle movements like swallowing.
When my Mom and I got to the hospital the next morning, we rang the doorbell at the ICU. We told the nurse through the intercom that we were there to visit the patient in room 357.
“Sure,” she said, “There’s just one person allowed at the bedside at a time.”
So my Mom went in. And I waited. Alone. In the hallway, I sat on cold and hard light blue chairs. About five minutes later, the nurse came to tell me that I was welcome to join my Mom in my Dad’s room. Them making an exception was a little clue that we didn't have much time.
The next day Mom and I returned with 2 more people. My sister and my husband had arrived.
Ding. We’re here to see the patient in room 357.
A new nursing staff member spoke through the intercom and told us that “There’s just one person allowed at the bedside at a time.”
“Hmm… I think we have an exception,” I replied.
“Oh. Let me check… yeah, sure… you can all come in.”
The next day we came back with 3 more people, now we were seven. My uncle and two family friends of 50 years had arrived.
Ding. We’re here to see the patient in room 357.
Another new nurse spoke through the intercom and told us that “There’s just one person allowed at the bedside at a time.”
“Hmm… I think we have an exception,” I replied.
“Oh. Let me check… yeah, sure… you can all come in.”
To embody leadership in our lives, you and I both need to be committed to three things that serve as guides, that hold the compass for us to know what way is our true north.
We need to be committed to our
Values – What’s important to us deep down inside. Values drive our actions.
Behaviors – We enact our values through our behaviors.
Boundaries – We create consistency and habits around our behaviors with our boundaries.
A client asked me, ‘But how do I know what I’m committed to?”
I coached her:
You take inventory of your life. Whatever is going on shows you where you’re leading yourself, mostly unconsciously.
What are you experiencing?
What are your relationships like?
How are you communicating? Responding? Reacting?
The results of your commitments are all around you. It’s all feedback.
If you don’t like what you see, then you have to commit to getting back into the driver’s seat of your life so you can lead it the way you want it.
Another client asked me, “How do I know what my values are?”
Our values are expressed as behaviors. I believe that every behavior is leading us to a positive outcome, as it attempts to get certain needs met based on our values.
Here’s how you can find your values:
Pay attention to your actions and behaviours. Write down everything you DO in a day for 5-7 days in a row. At the end of each night, for each behavior, ask yourself, “What is important to me about that?” Ask that question again. And again. Over and over for each action, you performed. You’ll discover 3-5 core values that are driving your behaviours.
When I read that paragraph about being unconsciously committed to being overweight, I realized there were several behaviors I was committed to that was not helping me reach my health goal of releasing weight.
I was committed to choosing foods that caused inflammation in my body. I was committed to overeating, to emotional eating. What’s important to me about that? Comfort. What’s important to me about that? Attention. What’s important to me about that? Love. And so on.
That night we barbecued hamburgers for supper. My husband pulled his freshly baked buns out of the oven and asked if I wanted one.
“No, thank you,” I politely said. ‘I’m just going to put the patty on a salad. I’ve been trying to stop eating wheat for 5-6 years. Today is the day I stop trying and actually do it.”
I committed to changing my behavior to honour my value of health. I chose to be my own leader and set a boundary around my new behavior, so it could help me reach my goals.
Your values are yours to respect and honor. No one is going to make sure you stay in integrity with them. That’s on you. You have to put a boundary around who (values) and how (behaviors) you want to be. You have to commit to that ideal. Every day. Over and over. Like someone in recovery.
As a leader in your own life, it’s also important to know when to make an exception to your values, behaviors, and boundaries.
The nursing staff at the hospital made an exception for us to all be in the room with my Dad. They were able, as leaders of his care, to evaluate the situation and decide what was more important, the ICU rule, or respecting his wishes to be surrounded by loved ones, with jazz music playing, and us sharing our love and cherished memories.
My family is so glad that they adjusted their values and made an exception for us so we could all be there when he passed, peacefully, exactly as he wished.
When my Dad asked me about exercise and suggested balance as the way through my failing streak, I was dumbfounded, “Thank you for not being upset.”
“LOL. Upset? We love you no matter what marks you bring home. We didn’t set the bar you’re trying to reach. You did. We love what you’re doing, and we have faith in you.”
Woof. In such a good way. My dad was a true leader in both his personal and professional lives. He studied leadership, spoke at conferences and consulted about it.
He always taught about leading from one’s values. He enacted his values so consistently. My Dad was committed to his values of kindness, love, service, compassion, and communication.
When he asked me how I was taking care of myself, he showed me his integrity. He stayed in complete alignment with what was important to him. His response assured me that he loved me and cared about me, and not my test results. Unconditionally.
He modeled leadership so beautifully, a great example of keeping internal commitments and staying congruent to what was at the core of who he wanted to be.
He taught me about being the leader in my own well-being, which I’ve gone on to teach many others.
My new commitment to skip wheat has allowed my body to release weight happily. I make the odd exception and usually subscribe to only eating wheat on the "wheatends".
True leaders are committed to three things:
Their values
Their behaviours.
Their boundaries.
And they know when it’s best to compromise in certain situations.
To become the leader of your own life, I encourage you to keep checking in with yourself.
What are your values?
How are you behaving?
What boundaries are you setting?
What results are you seeing?
What are you committed to?
What’s important to you?
The more clarity you have, the easier you’ll be able to be the leader of your own life and extend that out to leading those you’re hoping to serve. You’ll have your own personal guidebook to refer to. You’ll have a compass to lead you back to your true north if things get hard.
May you choose to make all your dreams come true.
Dr. Tonia Winchester, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Tonia has been practicing as a Naturopathic Doctor since 2007. With contemporary neurological reprogramming techniques, she helps women overcome burnout, stress, anxiety, and fatigue. Essentially she helps them calm their minds, sleep deeply, and find joy and energy in their lives again. Guiding clients through a "Breakthrough" process, they recode their unconscious minds for change, self-care, and success, priming them to create new, healthy, sustainable habits. Dr. Tonia has been featured on CTV, the Costco Connection, The Elephant Journal, Conscious Nutrition, The Autoimmune Simplified Podcast, and the New Generation Entrepreneur Podcast. Ultimately she helps everyday people create exceptional lives for themselves and their communities. To learn more about her brain-based coaching breakthroughs, head on over to https://www.toniawinchester.com/breakthrough/
