Written by: Angela C M Cox, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
With very few exceptions, people only behave in unkind ways because they are living with pain or they are living in ignorance. They are either acting out of hurt or acting on a lack of context or information.
It can be helpful to keep this in mind when confronted by an insensitive co-worker or a belligerent driver on a long commute home. Remembering this can help us remove the feeling of the unkind word or deed as a personal attack which hopefully precludes us from arguing or emotionally spiraling for hours afterward.
But if those are the roots of unkindness, where does the impulse to act kindly come from?
Kindness is Intuitive
I stepped from the train platform into the crowded, noisy station, and he was immediately at my side asking if I could buy him some food. I motioned him toward the food court and told him to order anything he wanted. While we waited for the food, I asked him his name and if he needed anything else. The whole interaction took less than five minutes before we went our separate ways. He was grateful for the meal. I was grateful I led with my intuition instead of suspicion.
Scientists believe that kindness is both innate and intuitive. We are born with a capacity for altruism, and it has been proven to be a part of human experience for millennia with early humans depending on kind acts for their very survival.
What’s interesting, however, is what has happened to that innate and intuitive impulse over time as social mores have shifted and changed. These days our news cycles are filled with almost as many examples of bystanders not helping people in distress as there are stories of strangers engaging in random acts of kindness. The truth is that it is often easy to act on impulse when we see a need we can easily and safely meet.
The question then is what happens when it’s not easy or safe? I often wonder if I would have behaved differently if that young man would have approached me at a different time or in a different place.
The Bystander Effect
The truth is that the longer we think about an act of kindness, the less likely we are to act on it. The same studies that show kindness is intuitive also show that overthinking can lead us to be more hesitant to act in a kind way.
And why do we overthink?
That’s often an intuitive act, as well. It’s because we want to stay safe.
The amygdala in our brain is responsible for perceiving threats, and it’s on constant alert to help us stay out of danger. Sometimes it even overreacts because it’s processing so much information so quickly that bias takes over and stops us from acting on something, lest our impulsivity put us in danger.
When we combine brain science with social elements, we get the bystander effect.
The bystander effect occurs when the presence of other people deters us from intervening to assist someone in danger or distress. Psychologists believe that the combination of something called diffusion of responsibility and a form of peer pressure called social influence creates the bystander effect.
In short, we may refuse to help because we assume someone else will act (diffusion of responsibility) or we don’t intervene because we don’t see anyone else doing anything, and therefore assume we shouldn’t either. If you don’t think that’s true, consider how often we see heartwarming videos of groups of people taking care of someone in distress. It usually just takes one person to act and “offer permission” for others to join in and help.
So if overthinking can cause us to be less generous and acting impulsively can put us in danger, how do we strike a balance between the two? After all, research indicates that most people want to be kind and helpful. Most people would like to follow that intuitive nudge to take care of the world when, where, and however they can.
Trust your Instincts
The vast majority of the time, our brains are good at perceiving threats which means unless your fight or flight response is engaged, it’s probably safe to trust your gut when it comes to acts of kindness. In the comments beneath an “act of kindness” story posted on social media, there are almost always three kinds of commenters:
“That’s wonderful.”
“You got scammed.”
“I don’t care if it was a scam. Better to trust people and be kind than assume everyone is out to get you.”
In a world full of cynics, be one and three.
Be Kind Proactively
It can be easy to act kindly when we are safe and when we are certain. In fact, most random acts of kindness fall under this category of what I call “triage” kindness. We see an immediate need and we meet it. We get to help someone. Dopamine rush. Everyone wins.
But there is another side of kindness that is less triage and more maintenance. Consider acts of kindness that are not immediately obvious. Find ways you can help a neighbor or friend or coworker before they get to the point of needing triage. Proactive kindness gives us the best of all possible worlds: the joy of being kind with the ability to slow down and meet a need before it becomes an emergency.
Match Your Impact to Your Intent
Slowing down also gives us the benefit of making sure that our impact matches our positive intent. At my company Three Kindnesses, we talk about Deliberate Kindness, a form of kindness that asks questions and gathers information before acting on a kind impulse. Because sometimes what is kind to me isn’t necessarily kind for you. What feels safe or helpful to you may not feel that way for me.
Sometimes we simply cannot know another human being and their needs without asking them how best we can serve them. This is kindness. This is true empathy. This is the very heart and soul of inclusion, safety, and belonging.
As the saying goes, in a world where you can be anything, be kind.
For more information about Three Kindnesses, check out https://threekindnesses.com or follow us @3Kindnesses on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.
Angela C M Cox, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine After beginning her career as a college professor, Dr. Angela Cox has spent two decades in HR and Learning and Development at Fortune 500 companies. From designing meaningful learning experiences to facilitating leadership development programs and consulting around employee engagement and organizational effectiveness, she was consistently focused on how to increase employee satisfaction and psychological safety through deliberate acts of kindness and inclusion. Despite an ever-growing list of skills and credentials, Angela and her neurodivergent brain often found it difficult to fit in and to find places where she could do her best work. Finally, after years of toning down her passion and shaving on her quirky edges to try and fit into a corporate mold, Angela co-founded Three Kindnesses in order to give others the permission she always wanted in her own workplace environments. Permission for people to be themselves, quirky edges and all. An emerging voice of encouragement and inspiration in the neurodivergent community and an ambassador for deliberate, radical kindness, Angela is also the author of two soon-to-be-released books on "How to Be Kind" and a contributing writer to Entrepreneur's Leadership Network.
