Written by: Ciara Banerji, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
As a coach, I’ve learned that my job quite often involves telling people things that are hard to hear.
Sounds harsh? Sometimes it can feel that way. But a great coach helps their client to process those emotional reactions effectively.
And, in my experience, it is the truths that we don’t want to hear that are the biggest blockers to our progress. If we are able to face up to them, it truly changes everything.
In this article I’m going to share some “home truths” that in my experience women especially, find the hardest to hear – and yet are probably the most important lessons we can learn.
1. No One is Coming to Save You
At the end of the day, if you want change in your life, it is ALL going to come down to you. Seems obvious in some ways right? But you will be amazed at how much ‘waiting for a saviour/magic pill/ lottery win’ lies in the back of our minds, often subconsciously – yes, even in some of the most driven of us.
Perhaps it was the stories we were fed growing up about women being ‘saved’ by handsome princes, or perhaps due to helicopter parents that swooped in and averted our failures, or because we were taught to always wait for permission. There are probably a lot of factors. But the fact remains that when I delve into a client's challenge, once we untangle it, I quite often discover that there is big resistance to accepting their role in resolving it.
For example, I have a client who is an incredibly successful businesswoman. In her professional life, she has no trouble taking full responsibility for the success of a project, even where there is a large team involved, because as a leader she knows that she is also responsible for their effectiveness.
But she recently asked me how she could get her significant other to step up at home and make more effort in their relationship. I had to tell her that ‘getting someone else to X, Y, Z’ is NEVER the answer. She would have to look inwards. It was a bitter pill initially, because she struggled to see that it was her standards or her behaviour that were the issue. Happily, it was a lesson she was able to take on board – and she has just been blown away by how her partner has responded: by raising her standards, he has quickly matched her and their home life is now much more aligned to what she hoped for.
I’m not saying that there are never external factors that are beyond our control. Of course there are. But those are precisely that – factors beyond our control – especially when it comes to other people. So we absolutely have to understand that the only thing we can change about a situation is ourselves.
Literally, whatever the challenge you are facing – career, parenting, relationships etc. – until you accept, fully, that you are the ONLY one that can change it, no progress will be made. Period.
2. Worrying achieves nothing. Nada. Zilch.
And yet many of us grow up with that idea that worrying equals caring. If we worry enough about something, that must mean it really matters to us. We even wear our label of ‘worrier’ as a badge of pride, and get annoyed when those around us don’t appear to be taking things as seriously because they aren’t worrying enough!
Sadly, worrying often has the opposite than intended effect because by over-thinking and putting our minds and bodies into stress mode, we are less effective at tackling whatever it is we are worrying about. Worrying also tends to be coupled to negative thought patterns or catastrophising – expecting the worst – which is so often then a self-fulfilling prophecy. It also oppresses those around us, by making them feel constantly on edge and causing them to behave avoidantly, for fear of causing more worry.
If you are a chronic worrier, like any habit, it takes deliberate, conscious and persistent effort to break. I offer my clients a range of techniques to conquer negative thinking patterns. But one of my favourite tricks is to tell them, whenever they think, ‘but what if it goes wrong?’ to replace that thought with ‘but what if it goes right?’. And to follow up that question with an intentional moment visualising the outcome and consequences of the best possible result.
3. You have to invest in yourself, as a top priority
This is one of the hardest to crack, because women are trained to put others before themselves – that self-sacrifice is not only essential to looking after others but is somehow virtuous. But once again, this is 100% shooting-yourself-in-the-foot.
Firstly, there’s the simple fact that if you don’t look after yourself - and I’m taking the basics here, of nutrition, exercise, sleep – you are absolutely not going to be able to perform, be that professionally, or as a mum, or partner.
I can’t tell you how often I see female clients wondering why they feel exhausted, grumpy, unable to manage, and they are surprised when I ask how many hours of sleep they get, what exercise they do in a week and what they eat. These are the same women who make delicious, nutritious meals for their family, encourage their partners to go to the gym, and maintain strict bedtimes for kids but feel like they are too busy to exercise, survive on snacks and coffee all day, and then stay up late watching TV in an attempt to wind down at night. Unfortunately, it’s effectively a cycle of self-harm, and until that changes, the work that needs to be done to repair and grow isn’t possible.
Once we move on from fundamentals, women still struggle with investing in themselves, whether that be devoting time and budget to self-care, and indeed, when it comes to something like paying for coaching. Women are more often under the impression we should be able to do everything ourselves – be wonder-women – and that asking for help is a sign of weakness, whereas men seem to be taught that if they can’t do something, the sensible thing is to find someone who can either do it for them or help them learn to.
I think this is why more women struggle to overcome their hesitation in signing up for coaching, seeing it as some sort of luxury. Whilst in my experience, men are a lot more keen to pay for a service that they can clearly see will ultimately pay for itself: they see it as, quite literally, a good investment.
So ladies – and men reading too - I hope this has made your eyes widen, and your heart beat a little faster. You might even have felt a little offended! That’s exactly how we should feel when some of our deepest held beliefs are challenged. (Of course, not all women or men think the same way, so if you are an exception to this - more power to you!)
But in any case, I ask that you take time over the next while to reflect on this.
So many of my clients have told me that even several sessions in, they didn’t quite believe me - and it is only when they put into action some of the techniques I taught them for how to move beyond these limiting beliefs, that the truth really became clear to them.
Because results speak for themselves.
I will leave you with these questions: are you achieving what you truly want to achieve? If not, why not..?
Ciara Banerji, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ciara is an accomplished mindset and peak performance coach, working with professionals and corporate leaders on a global basis to deliver transformational growth.
Ciara's mission is to see people THRIVE and not just survive. She believes that people can reach their full potential in a way that promotes their mental stability and their happiness.
Ciara is the Director of Liston Ferry Partnership Ltd, a company leading in the field of successful professional, personal and corporate transformations.
Ciara coaches ambitious professionals and entrepreneurs to identify beliefs that are holding them back and permanently shift them, unlocking their strategies for change and propelling them to action.
She also works with forward-thinking Corporations to put in place programs to support more women to reach the top and improve mindfulness throughout the workplace.
Ciara draws on her Psychotherapy and Neuro-linguistic Programming training in her coaching practice, on top of her personal experience as a corporate high-flier turned business owner, wife, and mum!
