It’s the ultimate dichotomy. Many people with unresolved trauma are finding incredible success in their careers, while their relationship or marriage is failing at home. We may assume it’s because they spend too much time working and, as a result, they neglect their partners and kids. That’s certainly a possibility.
But that’s not the real reason - especially because there are plenty of seven-figure entrepreneurs working a 4-hour work week who still can’t keep their relationships together.
We can blame a lack of work-life balance or grand disagreements on how to handle money. Lack of time or attention to sexual intimacy can also be a major source of turmoil.
But the true culprit? Trauma.
Highly successful entrepreneurs, leaders, and influencers have a unique set of skills that make them high achievers at work but simultaneously contribute to failing marriages and other unhealthy relationships at home. If this description resonates with you, you may identify with one or more of these three ways that trauma makes you highly successful at work while simultaneously sabotaging your relationships.
1. You have an unstoppable drive to become the best
You have a fire within you that’s been burning brightly for a long time. This fire drives you to be recognized for your brilliance and hard work. If your colleagues don’t praise you for an achievement - or worse, someone else got rewarded instead – your fire rages much harder. This setback may put you in a state of self-deprecating depression for a few days, but you always get back up, stronger than before. This is one of the biggest reasons you’re at the top now, and nobody’s going to stop you anytime soon.
This unstoppable drive to be recognized, validated, and rewarded for your talent is great for work, but for your relationship and emotional wellbeing? Just the opposite. While you obsessively focus on how to become the best, you neglect your partner’s emotional needs. Sure, you’re providing incredible amounts of wealth, but money can’t replace love.
The irony is, it’s often unresolved trauma that makes highly accomplished people replace love and intimacy with success and money. You alleviate old pain from trauma by proving to the world that you’re the best. Meanwhile, deep inside, you don’t feel good enough, and you’re rarely satisfied with the level of success you’ve already reached. The trauma of neglect, abandonment, or rejection is the fuel that keeps your fire going, because no matter how much validation or recognition you receive, you still don’t truly believe you’re worth it.
But that’s not the only reason this mindset is contributing to your failing relationship. Now that you’ve had incredible success, you’ve adapted to being among the best. You’re finally getting the recognition at work that you’ve always wanted, so you have a tough time settling for anything less at home.
Fortunately, this mindset doesn’t define who you are. It’s a pattern that repeats from unresolved trauma. Whether the trauma you experienced or witnessed was abuse from loved ones at home, or bullying at school, you developed an unhealthy need for external validation.
While most people enjoy and seek compliments on a regular basis, it’s not a normal or healthy need when it’s borderline-obsessive and tears apart your relationships. It’s a trauma-driven behavior that won’t let up until you heal the trauma stored in your body and nervous system.
2. You would never give up on yourself (or your dreams)
You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.” ‒ Maya Angelou
If you think about it, the very first defeat that you survived was your first trauma. And it’s likely you’ve experienced many more traumatic events since then.
There are two major paths you can take after experiencing trauma:
The path to self-defeat, or
The path where you rise above and become stronger than ever.
Your resilience and tenacity have been there since your first defeat. No matter how much pain you experienced, you’ve always risen above and proven to the world (and yourself) how capable you are. But it’s taken a lot of work, and you’ve overcome many obstacles to get here. You’ve pushed through some of the hardest moments of your life to come out on top.
Your persistence through fear and “failure” is worth millions in your career, but it could cost you everything at home with your partner (and children). When you become fearful in your relationship, you express an attitude like, “Fine, I’ll do it on my own!” This leaves your partner out of the equation, and it is detrimental, because when couples navigate conflicts as a team, they thrive and form an unbreakable bond.
In the end, your amazing ability to push through “failure” in your career is not well-suited for your relationship. Why? Because you often push, force, and refuse to give up when it would be healthier to surrender, trust, and give up some control.
Because your non-verbal brain and body are still storing this type of unresolved trauma, you cannot distinguish past trauma from present reality, no matter how much you tell your mind it’s okay and even healthy to have disagreements with your partner. In fact, research has shown that the hippocampus - the part of the brain that distinguishes past from present - can actually shrink as a result of trauma. Hence, your anxiety and inner-alarm system tell you that you must fix things now.
3. You can problem-solve anything
Do you often come up with creative solutions for your business or career? Has it helped you become highly successful and stand out in your field? You may want to thank your trauma for that.
One of the most common traits in trauma survivors is that they can analyze the heck out of any situation. During my own childhood trauma, I spent enormous amounts of energy predicting my abusers’ facial expressions, analyzing their tone of voice, and obsessively reflecting on what I could say the next time to avoid punishment.
Becoming highly skilled at analyzing my environment was an instinctive skill aimed at preventing more pain and increasing my chances of survival (even though I knew rationally that my life was not literally in danger). Having a very active, thinking mind was a helpful, self-protective mechanism during trauma, and it’s been tremendously productive for my career. However, it was detrimental for my relationship; if you find yourself constantly overanalyzing your partner’s words, facial expressions, body language, and behaviors, it’s probably due to trauma.
Although it’s common these days to snoop through your partner’s emails, it’s not healthy. Looking for any sign of evidence that your partner may explode or leave you, especially when they’ve never been abusive or malicious towards you, is not healthy. That’s trauma. And it’s preventing you from enjoying a relationship that could otherwise be very satisfying.
This isn’t to judge or blame you for your failing marriage or relationship. I’ve worked with many couples where both partners made huge problems out of virtually nothing, because their trauma-tinted glasses turned their beautiful relationship into a mythical monster.
Imagine putting a stop to all of the circulating thoughts and overanalyzing in your relationship. You could redirect that energy to feel in command of your body and choose how you want to connect to your partner, instead of being on autopilot and going through the same old motions that don’t spark excitement anymore. This is exactly what saves and reignites relationships that become stagnant and unhealthy due to old trauma.
Will you lose your business success?
Many highly successful people fear that they will lose their drive, tenacity, and talents once they truly heal their trauma. It’s one of the reasons they’ll keep going to talk therapy for 20 years, even though they know, deep inside, it’s no longer helping, and they need something different. Because at least they can feel that they’re “doing something about it,” even though they’re stuck.
Right now, your nervous system is adapted to trauma and drama. The trauma in your relationship keeps going, while the drama in your career is an exhilarating ride that you’ve mastered. You might fear that healing your trauma and rewiring your nervous system will make you complacent with an ordinary life. You’ll feel bored and become boring.
This doesn’t have to be true. Your trauma isn’t who you are. It does not make up your personality. Unresolved trauma is a neurophysiological state that keeps your nervous system and body in fear. It makes you productive and motivated because of this fear. When you heal your trauma in a way that is truly complete and lasting, you’ll still have your persistent drive; your fire will still be lit.
The difference? Your unstoppable force will come strictly from a healthy place of wanting to do more good in the world. Not only will this allow you to ignite and enjoy a renewed spark in your relationship, but it will also help you feel freer, lighter, and more confident in your own skin.
And even though you’ve healed, there’s no excitement missing; in fact, it’s the opposite. The only thing missing is the constant underlying angst that always had you on edge, snapping or overreacting.
Life and love after trauma may become more ordinary, but it also becomes more pleasurable, fulfilling, and joyful than ever before.
About the author:
Orit Krug is an award-winning Board-Certified Dance/Movement Therapist. Ms. Krug specializes in helping individuals & couples heal from past trauma and enjoy healthy lifelong relationships using her unique approach with Dance/Movement Therapy. For more information, visit here.
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