Written by: Mariette, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Most of my clients who work through a process of healing from narcissistic abuse will come up with the question: ‘How could I not have seen what was happening? I am intelligent, but I didn’t get it. What is the reason for that?’
And this is the answer I will give: in order to keep yourself safe, your mind is playing you some tricks.
1. The boiling frog syndrome.
The fable of the boiling frog is about slow exposure and sliding baselines. If a frog is put in boiling water, it will immediately jump out and run for the hills. It knows the situation is not healthy. A frog who is put in cold water, which is then slowly heated, will not realise what is going on and see no danger until the water becomes so hot that he start noticing it. By then, he will have lost his ability to jump and run.
The gradual exposure to abuse has prevented victims from noticing what is going on. One diminishing remark can’t be marked as abuse, but how many do? And the first time someone gets sneered at it hurts, after 5 times they are almost used to it.
2. Cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is a phenomenon, first described by social psychologist Leon Festinger (1956) and is typically experienced as psychological stress. When you find yourself in a situation where an action is not fitting in with your values, or an idea goes against your beliefs, there is a psychological inconsistency and great discomfort. A natural reaction is to resolve this by creating a narrative, which dissolves the discrepancy and creates alignment. That what felt wrong becomes acceptable by creating excuses (he was stressed), reducing the importance (it’s fine, I can handle it) or reducing the ‘wrongness’ of the action (it’s part of their culture). Instead of going for a confrontation, which is always challenging with a narcissist, it feels safer to reframe the situation.
3. Sunk cost fallacy.
This is a general tendency for people to continue a situation if they have invested time, energy or emotions, even though it is not beneficial. Having waited 15 minutes, you might as well wait for another 15, otherwise, you would have ‘wasted’ 15. Even though there is no guarantee that there will be a result after 30. The sunk cost fallacy means people are making irrational decisions, focussed on a wish to turn something round into ‘not wasted’ instead of taking the loss and aiming for a totally new outcome.
In a romantic relationship people consider ‘all that we have gone through’, ‘the great moments we have experienced’ and ‘I don’t want to start all over again’ as a motivation to stay.
All these intuitive ways of dealing with an abusive situation are aimed to keep you safe, but ultimately, they are not saving you. Step back, observe what is happening in your life and if you recognise any of these three rescue remedies, make sure you discuss it with a friend, life coach or therapist.
Find out if you have a narcissist in your life via this brief quiz.
Mariette Jansen, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Mariette Jansen is a successful coach, therapist, and blogger for over 20 years. Also, author of best-selling self-help book 'From Victim to Victor' for victims of narcissistic abuse. She grew up with a narcissistic mother and had several romantic relationships with narcissists. Her mission is to empower and educate on life skills, narcissistic abuse, and thinking patterns. She offers a free coaching session via her website. Originally from the Netherlands, she now lives in the UK.
Relevant links:
Learn more about narcissism and how you are affected via Dr Mariette Jansen's bestselling and award-winning book 'From Victim to Victor' – Narcissism Survival Guide. Available via Amazon in paperback, Kindle and audible.
Tips on dealing with narcissistic abuse in day-to-day situations can be found in Rulebook of a Narcissist – Narcissism Self-help Guide.
Read about Mariette’s Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching
