Written by: Steven Nathenson, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
“I feel disconnected from everyone.”
“People only reach out to me when they need something.”
“Remote work is just not the same. I miss the connection from being in-person”
“I have too many meetings, emails, and messages!”
“I have no idea what my people are working on or, if they’re even working at all!”
These are the most common sentiments I’ve heard from leaders in all types of organizations across multiple sectors and multiple countries. Have you thought any of them yourself?
If you have, you’re not alone! As a whole, work across the world has fundamentally reverted back to being transactional. We are overloaded, have ever-changing priorities, and don’t have the time! Because of it, when we interact with others, we want to get in, get out, and be done with it. We’ve limited how we communicate and interact with others to the bare-bones necessities to keep the needle moving forward.
The simple trick that gets us over all of this is: making work personable again! We crave in-person interactions and getting back to the office because it reinjects the “personal” touch back into our working relationships. “Cooler talk,” catching someone in the hallway, stopping by someone’s desk, to name a few, are key examples of non-work-related personable interactions that don’t exist in the remote world. However, they can, and that’s the key we are going to explore further – how to make our remote working world a personable one and less transactional.
The Challenge We Have to Overcome: Being Transactional
To understand the challenge we’re facing, let’s start with a fill in the blank scenario. Where do the words “people” and “task” go in the two blanks below?
Leadership is ____ oriented.
Management is____ oriented.
Before reading on, where do you think each word goes?
If you answered “Leadership is people-oriented,” and “Management is task-oriented,” then you’re spot on. This simple exercise gets to the heart of the key difference between the two concepts. Leadership deals with truly invoking people to take action whereas management is simply delegating and getting tasks done, devoid of the human element. In other words, management is solely focused on completing a transaction, i.e., “I assign you this work, you get it done.”
Have you ever said or heard?
“You need to do this.”
“Go do your job.”
“I don't care how you get it done, just do it!”
These are all prime examples of managing rather than leading. These statements don’t care about the individual, they only care about the task; there’s no personal touch. It doesn’t inspire others, engage them, or even drive them towards action because it’s missing connection.
Reclaiming the Personal Touch: Leading Instead of Managing
Now that we truly understand the challenge we’re facing, let’s explore how to actually overcome it. To start, let’s talk about leadership for a moment. What is it? Can you define it? Can you speak your definition right now as you read this?
Were you able to confidently speak your definition of leadership without hesitation? Did you perhaps start to define it, stop, think about it for a bit, start over only to stop again, struggling to find the right words? If so, it’s okay! Leadership is hard to define because it’s a concept we’ve created as human beings. We all inherently have an understanding of what it is, however, we often have a hard time putting it into words.
To help with this, I’ll share my definition of leadership, which is:
“The ability to inspire others to be a part of something greater than themselves.”
What causes me to define leadership in this way is, true leadership tugs on people's heartstrings. It speaks to their values and what is meaningful to them, powerfully evoking them to take action. It makes them feel like they are a part of something bigger than themselves - a greater fulfilling purpose.
In order to do this, we need to be able to connect with people, truly relate to them, and understand what motivates them. Moreover, we need to inspire them by being who we are, leading by example, and not just talking the talk but also, walking the walk. When we do this, our people will willing do what’s asked of them (and more) not because we’re telling them to do it, but because they want to do it. This is the power of connection that only comes from truly leading people.
While we are all beholden to certain goals, benchmarks, or OKRs, there's a multitude of options to achieve them. If we're purely transactional, we're going to see what we've seen over the past two years ‒ we're going to see the disconnect between us and those we lead, resulting in mass resignations. Afterall, there is truth to “People quit people, not jobs.” Unless we're willing to truly look inwards and ask ourselves: “Am I leading or am I managing,” we won’t solve this problem.
How to Make Work Personable Again
Now to the heart of it! As leaders, we have the opportunity to greatly impact those around us and shift the transactional nature that has riddled our organizations’ cultures. At a high level the concept is fairly simple: lead instead of manage and care about people instead of treating them like they don’t matter. However, at a tactical level, it can seemingly be hard to implement, feeling like we’ve tried a number of different things to no avail. However, there are easy actionable steps we can take as leaders to make work personable again. They are:
Harness a mindset that naturally creates a more personable culture;
Re-define how we interact with each other virtually;
Create agreements; and
Acknowledge we’re all in this together!
Harness a Mindset That Naturally Creates a More Personable Culture
For us, as leaders, how we think about work greatly influences the example we set for others and the culture of our teams. We’re all human, and our circumstances influence the way we think about what we have to do, what we think about the day ahead of us, and how we feel about work as a whole.
Over the past few years, the leaders I’ve worked with have all expressed a similar story:
“I don't have clear direction. I have too much on my plate. I’m in meetings back-to-back all day long and I’m still expected to accomplish everything else that I have to do on top of that. I don’t feel like my boss cares that I'm getting very little sleep, up and working early in the morning, and logging off late at night!”
All of the above, especially in combination, have a significant impact on our mindset. For example, we may rush through a conversation with someone because we just don’t have the time. We may cut short a one-on-one or cancel it all together for the same reason. And, we may even stop reaching out to folks unless we need something from them. All of this stems from our mindset. If we think we don’t have the time, we won’t make the time. As a result, we create a disconnect between us and our direct reports that dehumanizes work by making it purely transactional.
How do your conversations go with your direct reports? Do they sound something like this?
"How are things going? Is this done yet? What do we need to get it moving on?"
When our mindset is solely focused on accomplishing tasks, e.g., managing, we naturally interact with others in a purely transactional manner. This is something that others pick up on. While they may be willing to forgive an instance or two, it does wear on them and will dis-engage them as it becomes the norm.
So, how do we shift this mindset? The answer is, truly caring about our direct reports as people, not just task achievers. Right now, you might be thinking, “Steve, I do care about them as people!” I don’t doubt that! The question here is, do we actively embrace that and let it come to the forefront or, is it overshadowed by everything we’ve discussed above and the overwhelm that exists? It’s quite easy to fall victim to this and allow our care for others to subconsciously take a back seat because we put more emphasis on getting the work done.
The leaders who have been successful in maintaining a personable work culture over the past two years have made a considered effort to catch up with their direct reports not for work, but for personal reasons. They’ve asked about what's going on in their direct report’s lives, asked about their direct report’s families, and helped their direct reports through challenges. These leaders have actively made the effort that says, "I'm not reaching out to you just for work."
Let’s consider telemarketers for a moment. Why don’t we like them? It’s because they don’t listen to us, don’t try to get to know us, or seem to care about us. They simply follow a script to try to sell us something. In other words, they reach out to us purely to get the sale, e.g., for a transaction. If, on the other hand, they started off by building a bond with us, connecting with us, and showing true care for us, we’d feel differently about what they are selling. It’s no different with those we lead. If we want to make work personable again, we have to be personable ourselves and take that first step to show others the way.
It all starts with our mindset. If we truly care about others, prioritize our bond and relationship with them, and harness that mindset going into our interactions with them, we will engage them and make work personable again.
A few actions you can take to harness a mindset that makes work personable again are:
Set an intention each week to connect with your direct reports on a personal level and note what that looks like. For example, a quick text about their kids, seeing how they’re feeling from being under the weather, an impromptu telephone call in which you share a story that makes them laugh.
Prior to interacting with you direct reports, take a moment to embrace the intentions you’ve set for the week. Having them top of mind makes it easier to ensure we are truly connecting and leading versus just managing.
Create a visual reminder that represents the kind of personal connection you want with your direct reports and keep it within your field of view throughout the work day. This makes it easier to have our intentions top of mind.
Re-Define How We Interact With Each Other Virtually
Let’s take a stroll down memory lane for a moment. Before the pandemic, we had the tools and means to meet virtually when we were in the office. Do you remember that time? How did you approach those virtual meetings? If they were a video call, did you turn your camera on? Perhaps, you thought: “I'm not going to turn my camera on because I don't need to listen to this meeting. I'm going to use this time to do things I need to get done and I don't want people seeing me doing it." If they were a telephonic conference call, did you put yourself on mute? Was it for the same aforementioned reasons or maybe so you could have a side conversation with someone?
In each of the scenarios above, our mindset dictated our actions. The meeting was either important enough for us to be fully present or not. It’s no different than the virtual meetings we have now. How we approach meetings mentally dictates how we behave during them and whether we have our camera on or off. When a meeting is important for us, we have our camera on, we’re engaged in the conversation, and we send a clear message to the other participants in the meeting. The same is true for the opposite scenario when we don’t have our camera on. It sends a message that feeds disengagement and depersonalizes our connection with the other meeting participants.
To understand this, let’s flip the script. How do you feel when other people don’t turn their camera on? Do you feel connected to them? Do you feel slighted as you have your camera on but they’re not willing to return the favor? Do you enjoy talking to a blank screen? As human beings, we don’t enjoy conversations in which we perceive someone is not as engaged or invested in the conversation as we are. It’s the same as if someone is clearly on mute and doing things in the background, delaying their responses back to us, if they even respond to us at all (because they’re preoccupied with what is more important to them) We feel slighted because they’ve prioritized something else over paying attention to us. In short, these kinds of interactions lead to depersonalization and the transactional feeling we currently have.
In addition to the above, there’s a subconscious disconnect which exists when others don’t turn their cameras on during a video call. Our brains are inherently expecting to see the faces of whom we are talking to and, when that doesn’t happen, it registers that something is off between what was expected and what we are experiencing. This feeds the feeling of being disconnected, depersonalizes the conversation, and creates the transactional nature of work we’re currently experiencing. It also doesn’t give our brains the non-verbal cues we naturally crave during communication. Did you know it’s estimated that 60%-65% of our communication is non-verbal? Not having these cues can lead to misunderstanding someone’s intentions. For example, was that statement a serious one or were they being sarcastic? Someone’s facial expressions help us make that determination.
it's incumbent upon all of us to think about what message we are sending to others when we turn our cameras off and how we're currently interacting with others virtually as a whole. With the above contributors to a transactional work environment, here are simple action steps that will create connection and make work personable again:
Have your camera on and have others turn their cameras on as well during video calls to ensure everyone gets the visual cues we naturally want and overcome the hurdles discussed above.
Start video calls off with good engaging energy by welcoming people into the meeting, talking with people on a personal level (or about a shared experience/interest – this always build connection, i.e., the local sport’s teams latest win), to set the tone for the meeting. People naturally feed off of the energy the meeting leader exhibits at the onset of the meeting. If it’s full of negativity, just going through the motions, or rushing, we create the hurdles we’ve discussed. On the other hand, if it’s upbeat, engaging, and personable, we will overcome the hurdles we’ve discussed.
If you're speaking to groups, use gallery view to see as many people at once that you can during your video call. If you're presenting, (depending on the software you’re using) set up your screen and move your videos in gallery mode so that you can see others while you're presenting. This allows us to watch and feed off of people’s reactions. In addition, stopping the screen share at certain points during a presentation regains a face-to-face connection with others that makes the virtual presentation more personable.
Create Agreements
As you read the section above, did you think:
“I can’t do this!
“People don’t want to turn on their videos.”
“My direct reports don’t have the time and aren’t interested in small talk.”
If you did, you’re not alone! We face very real challenges from others to create the personable virtual connection we discussed in the last section, such as: people don’t want to have their cameras on, people are tired of meeting via video, and people are outright tired of meetings, period! Because of it, we try to be very cognizant of not forcing people to turn their cameras on and respecting what we feel makes them comfortable. However, in doing so, we are often left frustrated because we miss out on the connection from seeing others and interacting with people who are truly engaged in the conversation.
When faced with this conundrum ‒ how to re-engage our employees during virtual meetings ‒ we often think about what we feel will be helpful and try it. Sometimes we’re right on the mark and other times, more often than not, we’re left wanting, wondering why nothing is working. In both cases, we glance over the one true thing that will create the solution we are looking for – creating a mutually agreed upon solution. in others words, creating agreements; actually talking with and asking our teams what is best for the whole of the group versus presuming we know what’s best.
In order to create agreements that will make work personable again, let’s first explore some of the many reasons why we don’t want to turn our cameras on during a video call. For example, “I'm not feeling well today,” “I don't want to others to see my house,” and “I didn't shower this morning." If we step backwards for a moment and think about when we were in the office and ask, “Would these reasons fly in the office?” The answer is no. And, that’s not meant in a negative, judgmental, or condescending way, it’s simply an illustration of a disparity that exists between being in the office and meeting virtually.
If we open up the above disparity, we’ll find that there is an underlying unwritten rule which exists about our edict at the office. It is expected, based on societal norms, that we dress and act “professionally” in the office. When we’re virtual, however, we are removed from that environment which triggers that expectation. Instead, we are in an environment where we are used to relaxing, letting our hair down, and being our true selves versus our work selves. This feeds into the disparity that leads to behavior we wouldn’t otherwise get away with in the office.
Another distinct difference to note between our work and home environments is, our homes are our homes. They’re not our offices. Some of us may not have home offices or even the space for one. This too plays a very real role in whether or not someone is comfortable turning their cameras on during a video call.
With all of this in mind, we now truly understand the context we need to successfully create agreements with our teams that will make work personable again. To do so, we need to prompt the conversation with them. One such way to do this is: “I had a few ideas I wanted to run by the group to get your thoughts on regarding how we meet and interact virtually. Are you open to discussing these?” The keys to this prompt are that we use the words “I” and “group,” and we end with a question that asks for their buy-in. This does three things. The first of which is, we avoid language that makes people naturally defensive, i.e., the word “you.” The second of which is, we address them as a collective whole via the word “group” which lets them know we want everyone to be a part of the discussion. And, the third of which is, we are psychologically getting them engaged in the conversation because of our question at the end. By asking this question and having them give us their consent, they are inherently agreeing to have the conversation (naturally engaging them in it) versus being forced into a conversation they don’t want to have (naturally disengaging them). The setup is also an agreement in and of itself, and is just as important as the agreements you’re going to discuss.
A few common tried and true areas to create agreements around that get over the challenges we’ve discussed are below.
How meetings are run ‒ Bringing our direct reports into the conversation about how to best conduct our meetings gives them more ownership of them and engages them in it as they’ll be run in a way that works for them. For example, do we just get down to business or do we spend time on the “small talk?”
The way we meet ‒ While video gives us a distinct advantage to communicate effectively virtually, it’s not our only option. If our direct reports are “Zoomed out,” we can meet by phone. Zoom, Teams, WebEx, etc. can all still be used to meet with everyone simply dialing into the meeting versus sitting in front of their computers. We can even coordinate a walking meeting that allows everyone, should they want, to get out and move around.
In meeting conduct ‒ We no longer have the “commute” to and from meetings that we would in the office where we could use the restroom or eat a snack. Now, we hop from one meeting to the next by the click of a button, not leaving time for, quite frankly put, basic human needs. Giving heed to these human needs can go a long way to making work personable again! Specifically, allowing people to eat and drink in the meeting, and scheduling 25, 40, and 55-minute meetings instead of 30, 35, and 60-minute meetings which allows for restroom breaks in-between meetings.
Acknowledge we’re all in this together!
Today, we aren’t living work-life balance, we’re living work-life integration. Our home lives and work lives are intertwined more than ever.
“I wake up, get to work, eat, go back to work, eat, work some more, go to bed, and repeat.”
Sound familiar? Remote work has blurred the lines between life and work because they now both happen in the same place, getting rid of the natural boundary we previously had. When we worked in an office, we had to commute to and from it. This gave us a natural separation between life and work because we had a clearly divisible start and stop to our work days in two distinct locations. Now, however, that no longer exists.
As we talked about in the last section, there is a difference in what our environments prompt within us. We tend to be more comfortable at home, less “professional” as we feel we’re free to be our true selves, and view it as our private personal space we may not want to share with those we work with. None of us are alone in this! We’re all in this together as this is natural for human beings to feel this way! This acknowledgement, of our shared humanity, is the last key to making work personable again. As leaders, we can use this to create psychological safety and comfort which reclaims the personal touch we are desperately seeking.
One of the most powerful phrases in the English language is: “You’re not alone.” It creates relief, acceptance, and peace. We feel relieved that we aren’t the only ones who face the struggles we have. We accept that it’s okay to feel the way we do because we aren’t the only ones who feel this way. And, we feel at peace because there’s no longer a dark looming cloud hanging over us that we can’t escape from. All of this comes from knowing that we are in fact human, just like the other approximately 8 billion people on this planet.
Even more powerful than telling someone they aren’t alone is showing them. This, is what we can do as leaders! When we feel wanted, cared for, and are given permission to be who we truly are, it creates the psychological impact we discussed above. Moreover, it engages, us, motivates us, and drives us. If we harness our people first, we’re going to naturally get what we need from them work-wise.
Here are a few ways that we can show our direct reports they are not alone and acknowledge we are all in this together:
Be real and open; show “the mess.” We don’t always have a home office or an ideal place to meet virtually within our homes. That’s okay! If we show our direct reports this, they will feel much better about their own similar situations.
The same can be said about our kids and pets. If we acknowledge, recognize, and distinctly call this out, we can set the stage that naturally puts others at ease and embraces the common humanity we all share. The simple phrase of "I've got kids and dogs that may pop-up from time to time during our call” goes a long way! We can also lead by example and bring our kids and pets into the picture to show our direct reports its okay. After all, actions do speak louder than words.
Our kids and pets may not be the only things that can pop-up during our meetings from home. We may have deliveries, workers fixing something in our homes, and even outside noise that we can’t control (i.e., lawnmowers, construction, etc.). Showing our direct reports that we understand this by sharing when we face this too also goes a long way.
It Takes All of Us!
Making work personable again starts with us! Our own mentality influences our behavior which in turn influences the interactions we have with others, the way we communicate with them, and the culture we create. The influence and impact we have on others as leaders is not to be underestimated. It can drive change within our organizations or keep things the same. Which way it goes is actually up to us! It all starts by asking ourselves:
“Am I purely transactional, causing disconnect and disengagement, or am I truly inspiring others to be a part of something greater than themselves which spurs meaning and purpose?”
Using the simple yet powerful tools we’ve discussed will make work personable again, re-engaging and re-invigorating our employees. All it takes is a little human connection. What are you going to do to reclaim that connection today?
Steven Nathenson, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Steven Nathenson helps leaders master their mindset to increase their focus, confidence, and performance while motivating others to do the same. As a Leadership Development Coach and former FBI Special Agent, his coaching helps leaders and their teams thrive through challenges and achieve ambitious results.
Steven began his career as an engineer in the energy sector and went on to become a Special Agent with the FBI. After a successful career with the FBI, Steven took his passion for helping others into the world of coaching. Since that time, he has coached leaders, athletes, and students of all levels in more than 105 organizations in the public and private sector within 8 different countries to date.
Steven holds two master's degrees in engineering and organizational development and leadership. He has received two United States patents, five awards for his investigative work as a Special Agent, and competed at the national level in triathlon. However, he is proudest of the success he helps others achieve.
Life has taught him that people are at the heart of everything; and by taking a human approach, we can make our goals and desires a reality. This lesson forms the very core of his coaching philosophy which centers around developing individuals and organizations through mental mastery and core components of human nature.
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