Written by: Sandy Linda, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I was stunned by impatience. I had lost my mother whose impact on my life was beautiful and constant. In less than 14 months, I was also grieving my sister and my Dad.
In the fog of months after, I was lost within a grief that was so all consuming that I was swallowed by it. I felt that I had lost myself alongside my family and had no idea how to get back to who I was. In fact, I shouldn’t have tried. I was changed forever.
What I faced was annoyance from others that I couldn’t shake the grief off and “move on”; that I couldn’t move through what they recognized as delineated stages of grief quickly until the day I woke up and was back to normal.
It is inevitable that if you work with other people, at some point, you will have a colleague, supplier, employee, or someone in your wider network who is grieving. It is also inevitable that you will not know how to handle it.
Where I live and work, in the US, only a handful of states have made bereavement leave mandatory. Amongst them is Oregon, which brought in mandatory bereavement leave in January 2014. In Illinois, employers have to provide up to 10 days of unpaid leave whilst employees in California get up to five days of unpaid leave. New York offers up to five days paid leave.
The US Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) stated in 2020 that 89 percent of US employers offered paid bereavement leave. This was a one percent increase on the year before. Slow progress indeed.
Many companies offer three to seven paid workdays as bereavement leave. Offering a certain amount of paid time off (PTO) can support employees in dealing with their grief and managing responsibilities such as funerals, estates, and finances related to the loss of a loved one. However, just days won’t be enough for employees to “get over” their grief as so many employees expect.
Note also that bereavement leave can be unpaid. Imagine not being able to afford to take time to mourn and to tend to your shock, pain and hurt.
It is a similar picture outside my home country. France offers three days of paid bereavement leave for a spouse, partner, parents, siblings, or in-laws, and five days for a deceased child. Australia grants two days of paid leave to employees who have lost an immediate family member. As author and human resources manager, Lisa Murfield, stated in an article in Business Insider: "We are woefully behind in paying attention to bereavement, unfortunately."
So how many companies have policies and training in place to support them?
Encouragingly, some of the biggest names in tech are leading with policies that will have a massive impact. In 2017, Facebook Chief Operating Officer Sheryl Sandberg announced that employees will now receive 20 days of bereavement leave in case of a family member's death. Sandberg has written openly about grief having lost her husband in 2015. Following Facebook's example, other companies such as Adobe, Lyft, and Mastercard are offering their employees more time off to grieve the loss of family members.
Companies need to be prepared. Grieving is often a journey without end. Your colleague will feel a vast array of emotional and physical impacts that you need to be prepared for as best you can be.
When my father died, returning to work after five days of bereavement leave was challenging. I was suffering from brain fog and really struggled to give anything the attention it demanded. The company I worked for did have some policies in place as well as bereavement leave and an employee-assist program. I had a five-day break, but during that time, I mulled over how some colleagues had been hesitant to approach me when I had returned to work after my losses. These were people I had known for a long time and I was stung by their reaction.
It hurt but it was this that propelled me to follow a totally new calling. I decided to leave my previous employer and learn how to effectively assist organisations in implementing grief sensitivity training for their employees. I now offer guidance and practical support to help employers and employees who are experiencing grief or working with someone who is.
I now know that I am far from alone in facing panic, impatience and incomprehension from my colleagues. This absolutely highlights how essential grief training programs can be when people often have to return to the workplace before they are ready.
If well-thought out and researched, these programs, and the complementary policies, equip employees with the necessary skills and knowledge to handle bereavement in the workplace. They also signal a positive ethos and signal that a company is striving to create a supportive and accommodating environment.
Working as I do now with companies, I can pass on these central tenets.
A compassionate bereavement policy must:
Reflect an understanding of loss and support the significance of loss.
Detail what counseling and support services they can access and how.
Offer guidance as to how to talk to someone who is grieving. For example, telling them that “Everything happens for a reason” is not going to make them feel better.
Include information on the physical, as well as emotional impact of loss.
Include guidance as to how to work around a potential impact on productivity.
Designate a point of contact who an employee can reach out to express their concerns.
Detail how to have a sensitive and compassionate conversation with an employee to determine their needs. This is also when they can address any cultural beliefs surrounding grief.
Explain how to balance compassion and the everyday functionality of a work environment.
Communication is at the heart of all of these and an awareness that every loss is unique because we are. There is no time frame you can work to, there are no stages of grief and how the person grieving feels can change from minute to minute. It’s not easy to navigate but by doing everything you can to help employees feel supported in times of strife and grief, you can build a lasting connection with them. This will lead to a more loyal and productive workforce overall. I speak from experience when I say that how we show up for our employees during the most painful and traumatic periods of their lives is something they will never forget.
Worst things to say
I understand how you feel, I know exactly how you feel.
Time heals all wounds.
Everything happens for a reason.
Best things to say
My condolences for your loss
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Nothing. Silence is golden, but being there is everything.
Contact
Email: info@sandylinda.com
Podcast show: click here.
Sandy Linda, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sandy Linda is an elegant and worldly leader in grief guidance and a life coach. After experiencing multiple losses, she began a journey using her experiences to find calm in the chaos to support those mourning multiple losses. Sandy helps her clients move from heartbreaking losses to a place where they can work towards healing and become fearless adventure leaders.
