Written by: Viviane Schima, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Having a baby is similar to going on a blind date. We’ve never seen the person, we don’t know their personality and quirks, and the only thing we do know is what we’ve heard or read about them. When guessing what the baby will be like, we might be able to go off of our own personality and the personality of our partner. Nonetheless, that isn’t to say that your baby won’t take after your mom and your partner’s uncle. We just don’t know. That, however, doesn’t stop our imagination, which roams wild between all the possibilities of who our baby could be. Will, they enjoy listening to music or reading books? Will they be early birds or night owls? Will they have dark or light hair? Or no hair? The list goes on and on.
For all that, there is one major difference between having a baby and going on a blind date – there is no room for a change of heart when having a baby. The relationship between a child and their parents is the very first relationship a baby is involved in. These very first relationships will act as a guide to all future relationships and teach our children the ability to love.
Building Solid Groundwork and Fine-Tuning a Relationship Over Time
We all want only the best for our children. Being a part of an ever-growing, ever-evolving relationship with our child can be seen as the most mesmerizing formation in the world. Except when it’s not. Because sometimes, it’s not just about teaching them love, compassion, and empathy but also limits and boundaries (the rather taxing part of parenting).
The relationship between a child and their parents is the very first relationship a baby is involved in.
Terms and Conditions Apply
Every relationship needs to be defined. I like to compare this to bylaws in a law firm, non-disclosure agreements in a private sector, following a protocol at a hospital, and even obliging to the rules of a community (to which the infamous 'terms and conditions apply), to mention just a few. It’s everywhere. And our relationship with our baby is no different when it comes to setting solid and firm ground on which it will stand for decades to come.
And sometimes, the laws, agreements, protocols, rules, and terms and conditions change. Any relationship, whether it be between you and a corporate organization or between you and your bestie, changes. Being in a relationship, fluid, and ever-changing framework will need nurturing and the occasional fine-tuning. Babies and toddlers aren’t excluded from this metamorphosis. After all, babies and toddlers change from day to day, from hour to hour, and seek our gentle guidance. This is not only time-consuming and energy-consuming but also tiring. Inevitably, there will be moments when you want and need to say no to your child.
Neurons That Fire Together, Wire Together
Despite babies being born very immature and with only blurred vision, babies are brilliant and brainy and soak in all the information the outer world offers them from the second they are born.
Soon enough, they will be able to recognize a random, alarming sound of an ambulance passing by, completely different from the repetitive, safe sound of a doorbell.
Our brains possess the incredible superpower of being plastic.
And it doesn’t end there. Babies are extremely intelligent and will push the limits. It’s their innate ability – an instinct that persists into adulthood. It’s very similar to asking your friend a favor – you don’t know whether you’ll get it, but you’ll still try. When was the last time you tried to push a limit with something or someone?
To understand the science behind this, we need to know how the neural network works. Our brains are founded on repetition. What we repeat enough times will eventually become a habit. Take learning to drive a car as an example – if you repeat the specific movements enough times, your muscle memory will become better and better until it becomes second nature to you.
This goes hand in hand with so-called neuroplasticity. Our brains possess the incredible superpower of being plastic. In other words, concepts (including emotions) we experience over and over again have the power to change the physical architecture of our brains. This is why it’s paramount for parents to be as intentional as possible about the experiences they give to their children.
Defining The Relationship
It’s important to remember that when children aren’t doing what we want them to, they aren’t doing so on purpose. It’s rather because they aren’t yet fully familiar with where we, as parents, draw the limit line and what the social norms of our society are. It is up to us to teach them, show them, explain to them and steadily guide them in the right direction. However, this isn’t to say we have to, nor should we control every aspect of their lives.
Creating predictability allows children to feel safe.
Nonetheless, children are exceptionally good at reading our emotions. They can sense and feel when we express love and joy, but they can also sense when we’ve had enough and are ready to ‘give in’ to their wants. This happens even when we don’t fully resonate or agree with what our children demand from us. It’s important to remember that repetition plays a big role here – the more consistent and persistent we are, the quicker a habit will form and the stronger the neural connections will be. This opens the door to predictability for our children and ultimately cuts back on the times when they’ll try to negotiate the same thing with us over and over again.
Defining the relationship and setting boundaries shows not only mutual respect but allows for freedom within those limits, therefore leading to self-growth, safety, and trust in oneself.
Setting Your Child Up For Success
If your head is spinning by now, don’t worry. All this hard work won’t go unnoticed. In fact, your parenting, which is equal to having two and half full-time jobs, will be reflected in your child. Children with set boundaries feel safer, trust more in themselves and the environment, retain their relationships with parents and develop long-lasting friendships that often persist into adulthood.
Having a firm and solid foundation and being able to trust in their environment and themselves sets a child up for a successful path into their toddlerhood, childhood, and adulthood.
What more can we wish for our children than for them to be independent and confident?
Clearly defining the relationship between you and your baby by setting boundaries and committing to them, you can create a healthy environment and save yourself a whole lot of trouble (and I mean a lot).
Define the relationship. Set boundaries today. A healthy and strong community starts at home.
Viviane Schima, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Viviane Schima is a Newborn Care & Breastfeeding specialist, founder of The AH-mazing, Pain-Free Birth Formula™, Mama Coach and a podcast host. As a certified Lactation Consultant & Doula, Viviane uses her expert knowledge and more than ten years of experience to provide mothers with the support they need and the results they want. She believes that making informed decisions creates a path to empowerment and owning your choices. For Viviane, this empowerment journey begins with preconception, to the moment of conception, and beyond. Viviane is an enthusiastic advocate of breastfeeding, low intervention births and “skin-to-skin” contact after birth. “Creating a strong and healthy community starts at home."
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