Written by: Margaret Dennis, BA, MCA, ESFCD, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
When your business is going great, how do you show up?
I am willing to bet you show up feeling positive, excited, happy, motivated, and willing to take some risks. Am I right? You put your best self out there, give it your all, and crush your goals. You are focused. You are tenacious. You are AMAZING! The world is your oyster, and you are going for the pearl.
So, what happens when life throws you some curveballs, especially grief? When you are rocked to your very core with grief, how do you show up then? How do you carry on with your business? Keep the momentum going? Continue to be AMAZING?
The truth is, you don’t... because you can’t. At least for a little while.
Knock, knock, knock!
When grief comes knocking on your door, and trust me, it will, you are not equipped to handle it. When it comes to grief, there is a general unspoken rule in our North American culture that we don’t express it, speak about it, or publicly acknowledge it past the allowable 3-day grace period.
Grief makes people uncomfortable, both those experiencing it and those around them. As the person grieving, we don’t want to burden others with our sadness, if we are able to express it at all, and believe quite truthfully that no one can really understand our pain. As an outsider looking in, we are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so often say nothing at all. Or we try to “fix” them and offer empty words of encouragement: “Be strong,” “time heals all wounds,” or “at least they aren’t suffering anymore.” When faced with grief, we stumble, and we freeze. I have been on both sides of grief and have experienced exactly that, and I am willing to bet that you have too.
Grief makes us awkward and vulnerable, and we don’t like it. Being in this space is not fun. As a result, we tend to avoid the uncomfortableness of grief, choosing instead to bury it, ignore it, or run from it. But grief ALWAYS catches up with you, one way or another. The key is to CHOOSE how and when that happens because you DO have a choice. It may not seem like it at the moment, but you do, you always do.
You are on your own, baby!
Unless we had amazing role models in our lives who modeled healthy behaviors around grief, we have never been taught how to deal effectively with our grief or how to support someone who is grieving. We have not been given the tools to cope with grief and are often left searching through impersonal pamphlets for therapists and support groups looking for an answer if we choose to look at all. Reaching out to friends, family, and colleagues is OK in the beginning, but as our society has made very clear, after a certain amount of time, others no longer want to hear about your grief and expect you to “move on.” You are truly on your own.
How Grief Shows Up at Work:
Taking all of this into consideration, how do you reasonably expect yourself (or others for that matter) to “show up” the same way that you did before you were impacted by grief, especially when you have no idea how to deal with it? That is a LOT of pressure to put on yourself and on others.
Not only do we not know how to cope effectively with grief, but we also don’t know how to recognize grief when it shows up in its myriad of ways, such as:
When we struggle to make the simplest of decisions in our business.
When we are uncharacteristically short-tempered with our staff.
When we miss deadlines because we are not able to manage our time or put a coherent thought together.
When we are sleeping less, if at all.
When we forget meetings and appointments.
When we lose interest in our professional appearance.
Have any of the above ever happened to you? And, if you reflect on it, can you connect it back to a time in your life when you were grieving or had been grieving for a while?
No Room for Tears in the Boardroom:
When it comes to our professional lives, especially as women, we are expected to put on a brave face, not show any emotion (aka “weakness”), and show up as our best selves NO MATTER WHAT. When we are grieving, we are expected to deny our innate femininity and biologically wired emotions and literally pretend that nothing happened. There is no room for tears in the boardroom, especially if we are to be taken seriously and garner the respect of those we lead. It is a shame that showing emotion is perceived as a weakness when in actuality, it is a strength. Being vulnerable is probably one of the most courageous things that you can do. And when it comes to healing from grief, releasing our emotions is so much healthier than keeping them bottled up inside.
But no matter what, we need to show up one way or another if we want our businesses to survive. And the best part is that YOU have the power to choose how you show up, whether you believe this to be true or not.
So, when it comes to showing up at work with grief, I encourage you to ask yourself these questions:
How do I want to show up when grief shows up?
What does “showing up” mean to me?
Why should it matter?
Can I recognize grief when it does show up, in myself or in others?
Do I have a plan for my business if/when grief shows up?
Can I offer myself compassion while I grieve?
Only you can answer these questions.
How I Chose to Show Up:
When I lost my 3-day-old son in 2008, my world was shaken to its core and life all but stopped for me. In those darkest of days, I barely showed up at all as more than an empty shell. I was physically present but living my life through the fog and was unaware of what was going on in the world around me. My son’s twin sister survived, so my life became one focused on keeping my newborn daughter alive, loving her, and burying my grief. We made the monumental decision to buy a business just after our son died - WHAT were we thinking??!! - and showing up for our new business was almost impossible. I think we were looking for something to keep our attention off our loss. BIG mistake, and I do NOT recommend that you make any major decisions in the first few months following a deep loss. We took things day by day, moment by moment. Our business suffered, as our attention was not on it fully, we were both mourning in silence, and we had no support in place. 4 years later, we sold our business for a considerable loss, having learned many valuable lessons, but never really dealing with the loss of our son.
Over time, I began talking more about my loss and the impact it had on me. In 2021, my healing journey took a powerful leap when I did a TEDx Talk about my experience, opening the doors for so many to start their own necessary conversations. What I have learned at the core of my experience is that grief does not heal on its own, and neither can you. Nor can you show up in your business to the best of your ability when you are experiencing deep-rooted grief.
I still have those dark days, and I still cry, but I now have a strategy that allows me to honor my grief, take back control of my emotions, and courageously move forward.
My desire to help other women in business manage their grief while running their businesses has led me to become a Women’s Empowerment Coach with a sub-specialty in Grief. I am honored each day to help women navigate the muddy waters of grief and continue to show up for their business and their life, all while honoring their feelings and femininity.
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, visit my website; or book a Discovery Call to learn more about what I do and find out how we could work together. I look forward to meeting you!
Margaret Dennis, BA, MCA, ESFCD, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
In 2008, Margaret’s love of human connection was shaken by the loss of her son, twin brother to her daughter Lily, when he was just 3 days old. Rocked to her core, she immersed herself in her event management business and the custom trim company she co-owned. After a complete emotional breakdown, she realized that women couldn’t just make the grief go away the way society expects them to. In 2020 she founded EVOLV coaching to help women around the world honor their lives, emotions, and businesses while gracefully handling everything life throws at them. Her 2021 TEDx talk opened the door to exploring grief and inspired her to develop a transformational methodology that guides women in moving from messy, to functional, to empowered grief. Margaret supports companies through 1:1 coaching, team coaching, motivational speaking, grief workshops, and creating grief plans to help their employees who are suffering. Personal growth junky and lover of funky shoes, Margaret loves road tripping with Lily, and their mini Bernedoodle, Daphne.
