Markella Kaplani, M.A., is a licensed psychologist specializing in parenthood and relationship dynamics. With over 16 years of experience, she brings a holistic and compassionate approach to mental and emotional wellness, supporting parents in reconnecting to themselves, their partners, and their dreams so that the entire family system can thrive.
You can love your kids more than life itself and still miss the version of you that existed before they came along. That part of you who moved through the world without interruption. The one who slept, who danced, who had plans that didn’t revolve around snack bags, nap schedules, or tiny humans who depend on you for everything.
Missing that person doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you human.
In my work as a psychologist and relationship coach for parents, this grief shows up quietly but powerfully. Not always as tears, but as frustration, numbness, guilt, or an aching sense of “something’s missing.” We often assume this ache is something to fix, but what if it’s something to listen to instead?
What is parental grief?
Grief isn’t limited to losing a person. It involves any kind of loss. Parental grief, specifically, falls into the category of what psychologists call ambiguous grief, a sense of loss that isn’t always visible, explainable, or socially recognized.
In this case, you’re grieving parts of yourself:
Your spontaneity,
Your freedom,
Your independence,
Your ability to dream without interruption,
Your identity outside of being needed.
Before the guilt and shame set in, let me say this: it’s not that you’d go back. But there’s a longing, a quiet mourning, for the version of you who felt lighter, more alive, more yourself.
And because society romanticizes self-sacrifice in parenthood, we’re often left believing that this ache is selfish, that we should be over it. Especially if becoming a parent was a conscious, planned choice, we do not allow ourselves to miss what we left behind. “It’s being ungrateful,” we think. But grief doesn’t listen to logic. It simply shows up where something meaningful once lived.
Why parenthood triggers identity loss
There’s a transformation that happens internally when we become parents, and it has a word. It’s matrescence for mothers, and patrescence for fathers.
We tend to think of parenting as yet another role that we take on, but it’s not that simple. In fact, parenthood rewires the brain while shifting our worldview, priorities, and values. Everything changes and reorganizes around our new parental identity. The person who existed pre-parenthood is still in there, but now they share space with a whole new identity that has taken over the wheel.
And although we know that our world will turn upside down, nothing quite prepares us for this rush of emotion as this profound transformation sets in. It’s not just the practical that changes. It’s not just a few extra responsibilities that leave us feeling disillusioned. It’s the unexpected reevaluation of all areas of life that creates this upheaval.
But because we live in a society that is secluded and private, we do not get to experience other parents around us going through this. Or if they are, we assume they are coping better than us. And so we push on, trying to adapt without grieving, without integrating, thinking, “This is just how parenthood is.”
But that mindset leaves us disconnected from ourselves, and that disconnection is the breeding ground for burnout, resentment, and emotional flatness.
Signs you might be grieving your old life
This grief doesn’t always announce itself clearly. It often shows up in the background, muted but persistent.
You might be grieving if:
You feel like you’re constantly performing a role rather than living your life
You catch yourself fantasizing about running away or getting just one day off from being “needed”
Your hobbies, dreams, or creative outlets have disappeared, and you’re not sure how to get them back
You feel resentful of your partner’s freedom, even if you love them deeply
You can’t remember the last time you felt lit up, alive, or deeply like you
Grief can look like apathy. Like snapping at your kids. Like crying because someone left a mess on the kitchen counter. It doesn’t make sense on the surface, but when you trace it back, it usually lands in the same place: “I miss me.”
How to acknowledge the grief without shame
The most healing thing you can do is to name what’s happening without judgment.
You’re not ungrateful. You’re not a bad parent.
You’re transitioning, and transitions come with grief.
Try asking yourself:
What part of me do I miss most?
Where do I feel most like myself right now?
Where do I feel most lost?
What did freedom used to feel like? Do I want to recreate it or redefine it?
Naming your experience allows you to hold it with compassion instead of hiding it with shame.
How to begin reconnecting with yourself
The goal isn’t to “go back” to your old life. That version of you was beautiful, but this new version is still unfolding. Your task now is to reclaim the parts of you that you want to bring along in this new context, exploring how to integrate with respect for the needs of your emerging parts.
Here’s how to begin:
Revisit something that brought you joy: Don’t overthink it. Dance in your living room. Read for 10 minutes. Paint without purpose. Whatever it is, give it space. That spark matters.
Schedule time just for you: Not to clean. Not to catch up. To exist as a person. Even 30 minutes can be sacred. Call it an “identity date” if that helps, and protect it like you do your child’s nap.
Explore your values now: You’ve changed. What matters to you now? What do you stand for? Make a list. Let it evolve. It will ground you as you build this next version of yourself.
Get support: You don’t have to figure this out alone. Whether it’s a coach, therapist, course, or group of fellow parents, you deserve support as you navigate this transformation.
You’re still in there
Loving your child and missing your old life can coexist. One does not cancel out the other. And if you feel the ache of that unspoken grief, it doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. It means something mattered to you.
You haven’t disappeared. You’ve just shifted. And slowly, gently, with intention and compassion, you can find your way home to yourself again.
If this resonates, you might be in the thick of matrescence or patrescence, the mental, emotional, physical, and psychological shift that happens during the transition into parenthood. Even if you have been a parent for a while, unresolved grief can linger, and it’s important to address. Meanwhile, matrescence and patrescence are lifelong processes, so it’s good to stay informed and be kind to yourself as you journey through this.
For my fellow moms, I’ve created a free, short Matrescence Video Series. Sign up to get the videos straight to your inbox so you can better understand what is happening, why it’s happening, and how to navigate it.
Or, join my newsletter, where I break down what we discuss in our intimate conversations on The Parenthood and Relationship Podcast, sharing weekly reflections, guidance, and support for parents navigating identity, relationships, and self-reconnection.
Learn more about how I can support you here.
Read more from Markella Kaplani
Markella Kaplani, Parenthood & Relationship Coach | Psychologist
Markella Kaplani, M.A., is a multi-passionate, restless soul passionate about discovering the depths of the psyche and what makes us whole. In her quest to support people along their journey for better mental and emotional health, Markella is a dedicated lifelong learner. She holds an M.A. in Clinical-Counseling Psychology (M.A.), but also specializes in child psychology, special education, couple's therapy, and motherhood psychology, which provides her with a holistic perspective of the family system, both internally and externally. With her non-judgmental, culturally sensitive, and compassionate approach, she marries facts with each unique person's experience to create interventions that speak to their individuality.
