The Unexpected Aspects of Sexual Abuse
- Brainz Magazine
- 6 days ago
- 9 min read
Updated: 3 days ago
Eszter Noble is an RTT® practitioner, Clinical Hypnotherapist, and Coach, specializing in anxiety, fears, and depression. Her method utilizes the most effective techniques from CBT, NLP, psychotherapy, and hypnotherapy, with the ability to provide freedom from any issues and deliver permanent, lasting solutions.
Much like the victims, this topic doesn’t often get a voice, but it’s incredibly important to talk about it, shake the shame, take the taboo out of it, and have open conversations. Sexual abuse is a deeply harmful act that encompasses a wide range of behaviours, all of which violate an individual's autonomy, dignity, and safety. It can occur in various forms, from physical acts to psychological manipulation, and affects people of absolutely all ages and genders. Before you even have the ability to speak and you suffer some form of this abuse, you will inherently know that it’s wrong. Now, the challenge becomes trusting your instincts and speaking up as an adult.
Culture and clashes
Maybe I’ll give away more of my age than I’d like to, but when I was growing up, the only memorabilia we had of this time were black and white photos. No videos and certainly no social media. What hasn’t changed, however, is the unbridled enthusiasm of parents snapping pictures of their infants naked. Of course, I can only speak for the culture I grew up in, but it was popular to go to school and share childhood photos, all butt naked on the Persian rug or in a bathtub. With a bit of luck, these photos would end up in the attic collecting dust for eternity. However, the kids today will have their photos circling the internet endlessly. Do you want to be posted butt naked when you're four months old? Probably not. Do you get to have a say in the matter? Probably not. And it doesn’t stop there.
Ever since I can remember, growing up we would go to the seaside every summer, which is a lovely pastime as it is, but there was no trace of relaxation for me. One of my earliest memories is being stripped naked and put out to soak up the sun at three years old. Parents have great intentions, of course they do, but unfortunately for me, they also had great friends who accompanied them on said trips. I can remember vividly the feeling of being completely naked in front of my auntie’s son. He wasn’t much older than me, but my feelings of shame and embarrassment could have filled an ocean. I remember lying on the sand and continuously wishing, hoping that the earth would swallow me up. Every minute was an eternity, and my red cheeks had nothing to do with the sunrays of the late afternoon. I hated every second of it. At the time, however, there was no arguing, no speaking up for what I wanted or needed.
As the years went by, it didn’t get much better. In my teenage years, the arguments became all about how I had to remove my top so I wouldn’t get marks and burns where the straps sat on my shoulders. Walks on the beach consisted of endless hours of arguing on the topic. It was simply not understood that my levels of shame and embarrassment were immense compared to the tender skin I might experience from the sunshine’s somewhat strong teeth. It was exhausting.
The surprising thing was that many, many years later, I realised that some issues during intercourse were rooted in this strong feeling of someone doing things to my body that I didn’t approve of. Your clothes being ripped from your body when you’re not ready or willing can be a significant issue. A cause of this type of trauma doesn’t have to be rooted in rape or physical assault. I can completely understand parents having good intentions, wanting the best for us, but we should always have the power over our own body, no matter the age or culture.
Love does not equal safety
I hear this story countless times, and perhaps you have as well. Unfortunately, it is incredibly common to be in bed with the enemy. Knowing someone or being in a relationship doesn’t automatically equal consent either.
Allow me to tell you a story, a struggle spanning over six years. The leading lady, let’s call her Clara, went away with her friends for a weekend to enjoy some time at the beach. They’d all known each other for many years. There was one particular guy Clara got on really well with. They always joked and confided in each other. As the night went on, the guy proceeded to funnel shot after shot into Clara. By the end of the night, she was so drunk she couldn’t even speak. Unfortunately, the guy saw this as an opportunity and carried her up to his bedroom. That’s right — she couldn’t even stand on her own two feet.
She woke up the next morning in a room she didn’t recognise, terribly confused about what had happened. By this time, Mr Macho-man had fled the scene and offered no explanation. As the day went on, Clara started to have flashbacks. Not knowing if all that actually happened or if it was just a dream, well, a nightmare in this case. On the way home, she felt tremendous amounts of shame and felt unable to open up to anyone. She distanced herself from the friend group and pretended that nothing ever happened.
A couple of years later, though, life brought Mr Macho-man back into her life, and they started dating. She wasn’t too sure about it but went with the flow. She had always liked him a lot, and as the months went by, she developed deep feelings of love. From the outside, everything seemed magical, like a fairy tale happy ending. All the friends cheered them on and were so happy that they finally ‘found each other’.
Behind closed doors, though, there was a slight issue. Clara felt an obligation to sleep with him, rather than a carnal lust, a deep desire to be intimate with her partner. I don’t think I need to point out to anyone just how wrong that is. Even after countless conversations about trying to align the frequency of ‘love making’, not much changed. The fact of the matter is that Clara’s body couldn’t forget. Her heart may have loved him, but her body said no. She was simply unable to get past the fact that he forced himself upon her all those years ago, when she was completely helpless and unwilling. She tried hard to convince herself that it wasn’t a stranger, so therefore it must be fine. It was never fine, not for a second.
Ultimately, the relationship broke down, and that’s good news, because no one should be going to bed at night with their rapist.
It's not me, it’s you
Going back to the culture aspect, women are often taught to be humble, quiet, and to be the understanding caregivers. Some see the light later in life and break out of this people-pleasing pattern; for others, the subservience continues. Now, there’s nothing wrong with caring for others or considering their feelings, except when it’s at the detriment of our own.
Women are often culturally conditioned to act as "society’s shock absorbers," prioritizing caregiving and emotional labour. This role usually involves suppressing personal needs and any amount of anger just to maintain harmony, leading to chronic stress.
Suppressing healthy anger, a behaviour socially enforced in women, creates internalized stress. Chronic emotional repression dysregulates the immune system, triggering autoimmune responses. It cannot be a coincidence that 80% of autoimmune disease sufferers are women. Of course, this integrates both biological and psychosocial factors, while emphasizing the profound impact of societal roles, trauma, and emotional suppression. I believe that it is important to mention how oestrogen enhances immune reactivity, while testosterone suppresses it, partly explaining sex-based disparities. Nevertheless, women need to recognize that self-care is never selfish. Speaking up for what you need, and what crosses your boundaries, is essential.
I hear the story from my female patients countless times, how they have convinced themselves that pleasure, orgasms, or simply enjoying sex is just not for them. Truly sad. Perhaps they did have a bad experience early on, which then became the foundation for everything else to follow. But let’s face it, most women don’t speak up, don’t express what they would truly like. That’s if it even crosses their minds that they are entitled to feel good, to experience pleasure, and not be somehow embarrassed about it.
Much like enjoying a nice meal, everyone should have the chance, the possibility, and the ‘outrageous’ expectation, the ability, to enjoy sex. Social taboos, parents’ concerned voices, or cultural inhibitions have no place in the bedroom.
Not everyone can be the right fit. Sometimes, not even the kindest, most well-intentioned feedback or guidance can save a sexual relationship. But no one should ever write themselves off, believing that it’s just not meant for them. I can guarantee in 99.9% of cases, the right match exists for everyone. You just need to believe you’re truly lovable and worthy of it.
No is a full sentence
Very much in line with the previous paragraph, women often worry about potentially offending others and can occasionally go along with more than they would really like to. Other times, they muster up the courage to say how they feel but consider it absolutely necessary to give a full explanation as to why they don’t want to do a certain thing, get into a person’s car, or bed on the first date. No is a full sentence. There is no need for endless explanations or pre-calculated conversations, simply say no.
I have studied human behaviour for many years, read countless amazing books, but it was actually one of my dear friends who taught me one of the most valuable lessons in life. Allow me to save you countless hours of scrolling and searching YouTube for tips and unveil the two things you really need to know. As per my dear friend’s advice: men who are not afraid to offend you will never really respect you. Take a moment and let it sink in.
If a man is pushy and doesn’t accept no the first time, step away, far away. Do not listen to any amount of BS about how you have amazing chemistry, how the stars have aligned, you only live once, etc. He doesn’t respect you, and that will not change miraculously overnight. Once he gets what he wants, he will drop you like a hot potato, leaving you with a sour taste in your mouth. So much for great chemistry. Spare yourself the anger, the disappointment. Just step away.
For the moments where you may feel that there is hope, this could be something good, I really love the following phrase which came to me on a sunny spring afternoon walk.
Simply say, for me to sleep with someone, I need trust, and trust needs to be earned. Do not babble on about 90 days, or meeting the parents first, or whatever else you may have heard before. Men see through all that and have their ways to convince women otherwise.
Which brings us to my next point. The second strongest urge for men, apart from survival, is the urge to procreate. Arguably, if they can have offspring, their genes can live on through that child, so in an odd way, it almost makes the two impulses equal. Men, much like all organisms, are evolutionarily "programmed" to reproduce. This drive ensures the survival of genetic material and species continuity. The need to procreate is biologically inherent. Luckily, cultural, economic, and personal factors allow us to transcend pure biological imperatives.
All men have this urge. Some hide it well, while others don’t bother. Some have more patience than others. Often, your feelings and emotional well-being will not be the top priority, getting laid will be.
Armed with this information, you hold the power to take charge of your own decisions, making it clear that you are the one in control of what happens to your body and when it happens. This sense of autonomy is essential in establishing boundaries and ensuring that your choices are respected.
Circling back to the beginning of the article, it's important to recognize that it’s not always just romantic partners who might attempt to push your boundaries; it can also be parents, caregivers, or other authority figures in your life. While adults may have more life experience, and parents will have lived longer than you, their perspectives or desires do not override your right to decide what happens to your body, especially when it comes to matters of intimacy.
This is a fundamental truth: no one else but you gets to make those decisions. Your body is yours alone, and you have every right to say no when something doesn’t feel right or align with your personal boundaries.
Stand firm, trust yourself, and never hesitate to assert your autonomy. End of story. Say no!
Read more from Eszter Noble
Eszter Noble, Clinical Hypnotherapist & Coach
Eszter Noble is an established Clinical Hypnotherapist using the RTT® (Rapid Transformational Therapy) method, trained by world-renowned hypnotherapist Marisa Peer. She is known for dealing with extremely difficult cases and clients who have been stuck for years and who have tried it all. Specializing in anxiety, fears, and depression, she is extremely intuitive and honest, dedicated to empowering her clients to become the best possible versions of themselves. Offering her expertise in English, German, and Hungarian, Eszter’s mission is to take the taboo out of therapy.
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