Written by: Ken Pierce, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Xiomara was a twelve-year-old skeptic. Her Mom, Xiander, was a nurse, while her Dad, Xiang managed a factory that made fishing gear. Xiomara was the eldest of two children, her Brother, Xue, was seven. Xiomara was angry, especially at her Dad because he had left her, her Brother and her Mom and moved out recently.
But, she was also mad at her Mom because she was always arguing with her Dad over stupid things like paying the bills and keeping the house clean and working too much.
And, now they were separated and her Dad, Xiang, was living somewhere else. Xiomara still saw her Dad every day because he picked her and her brother up at school and drove them home.
And, every second weekend she and her brother stayed with her Dad and slept on the floor of his new apartment, which was kind of like camping and kind of fun she told me.
“Sometimes divorce is the best thing that can happen to marriage” – Bangambiki Habyarimana, author
“Xiomara was tired and frustrated with being treated this way…”
She and Xue have camped at their Dad quite a few times, but Xiomara was getting tired of it and wanted her Dad and Mom back together. She had asked both of them when that was going to happen and they never really answered her. They tried to change the subject to school stuff or doing fun stuff.
The last time she had asked her Mom about it she told her to ask her Dad. And when she asked her Dad, he ended up talking about going out for pizza.
Xiomara was tired and frustrated with being treated this way and had started to spend more time alone in her room trying to figure out what she should do to get her parents back together.
So, when both her Mom and her Dad suggested she talk to someone who could help her understand what was going on, she reluctantly agreed. But, she was skeptical because it sounded like it would be like talking to the school counsellor who had tried to make her feel better right after her Dad had moved out.
“I don’t think you can change the way I feel about that!”
That was how Xiomara got to be in my office. She was a tall, striking child with big, brown, searching eyes. She wore her hair black, straight and short so it didn’t interfere with her pink hockey helmet, her favourite object for her favourite sport. She had a direct, engaging approach with adults coming from a measure of self-confidence you often see in preteens.
Xiomara was cautiously friendly as we met, giving me the benefit of the double, perhaps hoping I could help her figure out her erratic parents. I opened our discussion by saying,
“Xiomara, my job is to help you figure out what’s going on with your Mom and Dad so you can cope with it. Would that be useful for you…to start feeling a little better about it?”
She replied, in a soft, skeptical voice as her brown eyes started glistening,
“I don’t think you can change the way I feel about that!”
“You’re right Xiomara, I don’t think I can…but,… I know you can!”
“I want to know how to make Dad come home!”
“If I can, I sure don’t know how to do it,” she replied, with the same tone.
“That’s what I do, Xiomara, I help people find out the truth of what’s going on when they feel bad. Would you be willing to discuss that and learn how to do it for yourself?”
She looked up at me cautiously and replied,
“Maybe!”
“What do you need to know first, Xiomara, to make it OK to figure out what’s going on?”
“I want to know how to make Dad come home!” she said in a louder, stronger voice, perhaps hoping her determination could make it possible.
“Remember I said I help people figure out the truth of what’s going on. I’ve noticed that everyone kind of already knows the truth of what’s going on but they are just not sure they know it. You wanting your Dad to come home could be an example of that. Want to find out?”
“Maybe.” she said cautiously.
“…there are also some other truths, going on right now, that will help you feel better… right away.”
“From the information I have from talking with both your Dad and your Mom, my best guess is the truth of your family’s situation is that your Dad will not be living with your Mom anymore because they have both changed…and that’s the truth…and I suspect you already know it…because you are a smart person.”
Xiomara’s eyes flushed as she listened to my words and looked down to her hands with their defiant, glossy, pink nail polish. She was quiet for a moment. So I added,
“I learned all feelings are OK and it makes sense to be sad about your Mom and Dad separating. But, Xiomara, while this truth can make you feel sad, there are also some other truths, going on right now, that will help you feel better… right away. Do you want to know what they are?”
She looked up at me with a hint of disbelief on her face and replied,
“Like what?”
“I can only offer you my best guesses based on my experience of working with other kids whose parents have split up. My first would be that you notice your Dad and Mom don’t argue as much now and you feel better about that. Is that true for you, Xiomara?”
“Sort of…but they are still not home together!” she said testily.
“… even tucks us in every night we are there…I really like that part!”
“And, I bet you and your brother have got closer to your Mom as well since your Dad left. Is that happening?”
“My brother is the baby of our family, Ken, so he has always been close to Mom. But, Mom and I talk more now and she seems to listen to me more now when I have something to say…and I like that!” she replied, a hint of pleasure sneaking out onto her face.
“What’s it like now with your Dad since he left home?” I asked.
“The first thing I noticed is that he really wants to spend time with us…it’s like he suddenly misses us all the time… and wants us to come to his new apartment.” her face brightening again.
“What’s that like for you, Xiomara?”
“Well, he gets our favourite food when we are there and he takes the time to play games with us…and he even tucks us in every night we are there…I really like that part!” she added a full smile on her face this time.
“How has your parents’ separation changed your relationship with your brother?” I asked, wondering where else her awareness had grown.
“I know he’s upset too, so I have to be his ‘big sister’ now and sort of take care of him a bit,” she said, a maternal tone to her child-like voice.
“So, it sounds like you two have got closer as well?”
“Yeah! Sort of… I guess…” she said, hesitantly.
“Are you realizing how this duality is happening, not just to you, but to everyone?”
Now that she was starting to see both sides of the situation I asked her,
“What other good things have come out of this bad situation, Xiomara?”
“Well…both Dad and Mom seem calmer…especially Mom. She is more organized about our home and us all getting to school and work on time…stuff like that!”
“Why do you appreciate that new development?” I asked, wondering about the advantage for her.
“When Dad was there, it was just harder. They would be grumpy with each other, sulk and stop talking.
Then Xue and I would be late for catching our school bus…which made things even worse. It was just very upsetting and doesn’t seem to happen now.” she said, a little guilt showing as if she was not sure if she should be pleased about it.
“Xeomara you are starting to understand how the natural laws work. Are you realizing how this duality is happening, not just to you, but to everyone?”
“…when your parents are working, they are probably not sad because they are not thinking about their life with you.”
“I’m starting to see how it happens. But, I don’t believe it happens for everyone. Both Mom and Dad are feeling bad and sad right now! Right?”
“Xeomara, it depends on what they are thinking about at any given second. For example, they must be thinking about their work when they are doing their job or their colleagues would notice, wouldn’t they?” I asked.
“I suppose that’s true because Dad supervises people who operate big machines and he has told me he has to be watching carefully all the time.”
Then she added, demonstrating her growing awareness,
“And, Mom gives people their medicine and you can’t make mistakes with that, eh?” she said convincing herself.
“So, when your parents are working, they are probably not sad because they are not thinking about their life with you. Can you see that, Xeomara?”
“Yes, I suppose! But, when they are thinking about us or are with us, they are sad!”
“Are you sure? Let me ask you this question? Since your Dad left, have you ever seen your Mom smile or laugh with anyone or about anything?”
“Divorce is a time of change. It really rocks a foundation of most people’s lives. it is a time of growth and change.” – Debbie Ford, author
“Yes, I guess I was only noticing the bad stuff.”
She paused staring into her past weeks and said,
“We were all laughing, Mom, Xue and me, last week when I tried to cook Kraft Dinner for supper…I kind of messed it up.”
Then she continued,
“And, Mom was talking on the phone to Nanny the other day and I heard her laughing about something.”
“So, neither your Mom or Dad is sad all the time…just some of the time when they think about certain parts of the changes that are happening to your family. Can you see that now?”
“Yes, I guess I was only noticing the bad stuff.”
“That’s pretty common…but nature always provides both at every second.”
“Really? At every second?”
“Yep! Let’s check it out. Xeomara, what has been the worst moment so far of your Dad moving out?”
“…since the memory is so sad, you needed to find some happier aspect to balance your perception…”
“That would have to be when they told us…told Xue and me… at the kitchen table during supper… that Dad was moving to an apartment down the street.”
“Xeomara, would you close your eyes and pretend to be there again, in that very second when you heard about your Dad moving out? Who was doing the talking, what did they say, how did they say it? Where was everyone sitting?”
She closed her eyes and sat back in the chair. After a few seconds, she said,
“Mom was holding Xue on her lap in her usual chair by the window. Dad was across from me in his seat. And, Dad was talking about getting his own place to live, and they both loved us…and he was only moving down the street…and we would still see him every day…and stuff like that.”
“As you were listening to him say these things to you and Xue, what are you saying to yourself about being in that situation with your family?”
“I’m not sure! I don’t remember!”
“I thought, ‘At least now their fighting will stop!’”
“Whatever you said to yourself helped you deal with that situation, it got you through that moment in time to be here now. And, since the memory is so sad, you needed to find some happier aspect to balance your perception of what was happening to you.”
She closed her eyes again looking deeply into her memory.
I added to encourage her search,
“Look carefully, it has to be there, it’s a law of nature. Take your time and look very, very carefully.”
We sat in silence a bit before she said,
“I know what it was! I remember now! I thought, ‘At least, now their fighting will stop!’”
“So while you didn’t want your Dad to move out, you did want the fighting to end…is that what you mean?”
“Yes, it was terrible at times. Xue and I would hide in my room until they were over. Now we don’t have to hide anymore! I was really glad about that!” she said, a little reluctance to her awareness.
“How do I know if it’s right for me to look for both sides of bad things?”
So, began Xeomara’s journey of discovery of the other side of parental separations. She had all the information in her memories…but no one had asked her to speak it out loud. No one had asked her to notice the two sides and importantly…how each side counterbalanced the other… perfectly.
As we uncovered the truth of her situation and given what was most important to her, her highest values, her feelings adjusted accordingly. They gradually evolved from sad skepticism to feeling OK about these events, and then, to preferring them to before when her parents were together.
She was surprised by this development in her thinking and wanted to know how this could be so…that her feelings and attitude had changed so quickly.
She said to me,
“How do I know that these new feelings are OK for me to feel? How do I know if it’s right for me to look for both sides of bad things?”
“Did you tell her about your parents splitting up?”
“Xiomara, this law of balance is everywhere in nature and everywhere in your world …and my world. It is one of the ways mother nature ensures your well-being… your survival!”
“I don’t understand what you mean, Ken!” she replied, confused.
“Nature is a bunch of rules or laws which enable it to keep going…as it has for over 40 billion years. This balance law is one of the most important laws for us “thinking” beings.”
“How come, Ken?”
“It enables us to keep on moving forward in life to keep us working at life! For example, Xiomara, do you have a close friend at school?” I asked.
“I do! Her name is Xena. She is in my room and was last year, too.”
“Did you tell her about your parents splitting up?”
“Yes, I did!”
“Was it hard to do?”
“I knew when she said that to me, it was true…another benefit to Dad moving out.”
“Yes…it was really hard to talk about it. But, you know what she said to me? It was just before class started the Monday after Dad moved out…I remember it clearly.”
“What did she say, Xeomara?” I asked curious that it was so memorable.
“Ken, she said, ‘Well, at least it will be quieter in your house now and you can get your homework done easier!’”
“That’s the law of balance in action, Xeomara. Can you see that now?”
Xeomara smiled at this comment. Then she said,
“Yes, I can see that now. And, … I knew when she said that to me, it was true…another benefit to Dad moving out. I think I’m going to be OK now, Ken.”
“As long as you look for, and find, the balance of each moment that looks one-sided, you will be fine…in fact, you will be grateful.” I offered.
“I kind of feel that way already!” she said with a soft smile.
“Congratulations, Xeomara!” I replied.
“Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.” – Ambrose Bierce, journalist
Points to Ponder and Remember:
Like all things including atoms, water and the weather, divorce and marriage follow the law of balance.
Pain and pleasure are balanced in every second of our life.
Families are continually coming closer and moving apart to optimize each family member’s future.
Marriage and divorce both comply with this law by providing a balance of support and challenge.
This balance law optimizes each family member’s ability to learn to manage their future.
Divorce and separation enable each person involved to get stronger and smarter in very specific ways they need.
This applies to every person regardless of their age.
Divorce makes adults wiser in important ways.
Divorce makes children wiser in important ways.
Families are learning systems for human evolution.
Visit my website for more info!
Ken Pierce, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ken Pierce is a board-certified clinical psychologist and CEO of The Pierce Institute of Psychology Inc. He has authored many psychological works including seven books and 400 case study web-posts. Ken is considered a human behaviour expert having worked in business, education and private practice for over 40 years. He has served thousands of people of all ages from a diverse spectrum of life challenges. This group include executives, teams, organizations, individuals, couples and families. He has served on the faculty of two post-secondary institutions, Holland College and the University of Prince Edward Island.
Ken was also the first psychologist globally to achieve Master Facilitator credentials with the renowned Demartini Institute and is a Senior Faculty of the Glasser Institute. He has spoken at many regional, national and international events. As head of the The Pierce Institute of Psychology Inc. (TPI), a community service facility, he is a leader in moving clinical psychology forward by transforming a labelling and medicating focus to appreciating human adaptions as tools for empowerment. This is demonstrated in the latest research in evolutionary anthropology, biology, neurology, psychiatry and psychology. This scientific approach is found in the work of Drs. William Glasser and John Demartini and the services of TPI.
Ken resides in Stratford, Prince Edward Island with Anna, his partner of 50 years. They have three daughters and three grandsons. Ken's interests vary widely from quantum theory to energy efficiency to building stone walls.
