Written by: Deborah Lynch, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The so-called ‘Confidence Myth’ says that to be successful, you first have to be confident. That’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?
But, hold on a minute what about the other side of the coin? To become confident, don’t you first have to find success?
Grappling with this Catch-22 conundrum sees many wannabe entrepreneurs finding themselves stuck in a perpetual loop: No success = No confidence = No success = No confidence (and so on, and so on, like Groundhog Day).
It’s a situation that gives rise to endless questions, of which the most common theme is: “So, how do I become more self-confident?” It’s a question posed in all manner of variations. Here are a few examples:
“How can I be confident in a sales job if I’ve never worked in sales before?”
“How can I be confident when I’m so shy and awkward during social events?”
“How can I be confident in a romantic relationship, when every relationship I’ve ever had turned so toxic?”
“How can I be confident in wealth creation when I’ve never made any money before?”
Such queries underline the fact that becoming more self-confident is a major challenge for many people.
Even ultra-ambitious souls with big dreams and world-beating ideas often lack confidence. They will overthink a situation and convince themselves that: “Hmm! Perhaps, on second thought, my ideas are not so bright and brilliant after all.” That, in turn, prompts further doubt: “How can I be confident if I have nothing much to feel confident about?”
And there we are, right back at the beginning.
To make matters worse, the ‘non-confidents’ look around and see the ‘truly confidents’ becoming even more confident. Result: the insecure become even more insecure.
So, How DO We Build Solid Self-Confidence?
In an attempt to remedy this conundrum, many gurus will suggest quick-fix self-help mantras such as “Tell yourself that you lack nothing. Use affirmations daily and you’ll become more confident.” Or “Focus on self-improvement every day and you’ll be more confident.”
Likewise, there are a million articles along the lines of ’10 Ways To Become Confident’ or ’The Top 20 Things Confident People Do’. By all means, read those articles and take action accordingly go to the gym wear cooler fashions improve your body language, and so forth. Such strategies do work to some degree. But realistically this is not a sustainable approach. Why? Because it ultimately relies upon seeking validation from other people.
Deriving confidence from others isn’t a proper solution. Remember, anything that is externally earned can just as easily be taken away from you. If you don’t have fine clothes to wear, a fit body with which to impress your Instagram followers, or a relationship to show off in public are you still confident?
In my view, there is a great difference between hearing your daily affirmations and believing them. Affirmations won’t work if you don’t believe them.
Or, to put it another way: True confidence is personal, it comes from within. It certainly doesn’t come via the opinions of others.
A person’s confidence is rooted in their self-perception it has nothing to do with any tangible, external stuff.
Learning from Your Failures
I believe the best way to become truly self-confident is to be not only comfortable with your achievements but to be equally at ease with your failures. It’s easy to be happy with your successes, but recognizing the lessons learned via your failed attempts can have a truly positive effect they can teach you so much.
Interestingly enough, recent research shows that accepting what you lack, makes it easier to be confident: no success = comfort in failure = confidence = success.
For example, in romantic relationships, the most confidence are those who accept the fact that every single one of us is vulnerable to getting hurt at some time or another. By taking this notion on board, they can more easily express their true feelings. This invariably leads to a stronger emotional connection with their partner. Such sensible souls stick to their standards and create clear boundaries (even if that means ending an unhealthy relationship).
In contrast, the most common question agonized over by those who aren’t confident about dating and relationships is “Will I get hurt?” because they are uncomfortable with the possibility of being hurt. (Unfortunately, that situation often creates a self-fulfilling prophecy!)
How failure makes you more confident
People who accept the possibility of failure are the most successful. That is a fact.
Entrepreneurship sounds very cool and is extremely popular these days, but that doesn’t mean it’s for everyone. Recently, a client keen to launch a new enterprise hired me as her business coach. During our opening session, I assessed her, specifically to evaluate her tolerance to risk regarding her new business idea.
The assessment result showed that for various reasons her risk tolerance level was extremely low. This meant that she wasn’t yet ready to embark on her new venture. Subsequently, I advised her not to quit her day job, at least not until this vital level was greatly improved and fully integrated into her planning.
Some business coaches might have taken the client’s money and told her what she wanted to hear.
That’s not what I did. Taking heed of my honest assessment, the client kept her day job and is presently concentrating on improving every aspect of her risk tolerance levels regarding her idea. Once that exercise is completed, I have no doubt that she will not only be better equipped for success but will also possess a higher level of self-confidence in the bargain.
As I see it, comfort in failure allows us to act without fear, communicate without judgment, and love without anxiety. It helps in breaking that perpetual loser’s pattern.
The Power of Self-Acceptance
Ironically, accepting that you are not a confident person will start to make you feel more confident. You will stop overthinking, and you will no longer judge yourself.
Everyone is flawed, and that’s fine. Be okay with that.
I receive lots of messages from my audience. Many of them agonize over various problems that are 100% normal. Most people have had relationships most people have family issues most people feel depressed or anxious at some point. Everyone wishes they were more motivated and more successful. Such thoughts aren’t fun, but they are very common. Don’t fear them.
Those who are confident in their social/business/romantic lives are truly self-assured, simply because they don’t fear rejection. They know that self-confidence is the belief that you lack absolutely nothing. They know that self-confidence is a state of mind. Indeed, super confidence is fine with people disagreeing with them or even disliking them, so long as others express their opinions honestly.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t do something about the problems that face you. I’m advising that you would be ill-advised to be constantly chasing after absolute perfection.
You can break that Catch-22 roundabout by accepting yourself as you are. Trust me, you are okay. Be confident!
Deborah Lynch, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Deborah Lynch is THE global expert on embodying your personal presence (both online and offline) to achieve your dreams, influence hundreds of thousands of people, and achieve self-actualization.
Her mission is to help you build a thriving personal Presence that helps you succeed in business, in relationships, and in every area of your life easily – almost effortlessly!
She has built a successful speaking business, a successful coaching company, a successful Youtube channel, a successful eCommerce store, and specializes in helping entrepreneurs succeed in today’s presence-driven online landscape.
Deborah’s Story
Deborah’s story is one of overcoming poverty to achieving triumph – and it is still evolving to this day! If she can do it, anyone can – including you!
At one point in her life, Deborah even found herself homeless, with nothing but a can of carrots to eat. At that point, she found a mentor who trained her on a specific set of skills and began her journey to success.
Deborah learned how to become a success both as an entrepreneur and in the corporate world, and eventually discovered the great power of Presence, which she used to become a professional speaker and present for over 150,000 people in 70 countries for 48 different luxury brands, including Dolce & Gabbana, Hugo Boss, and Gucci.
Upon reaching the height of her career, she realized she wanted something more. She wanted to use her Presence as a way to help others in every area of their lives – from personal to professional, and beyond.
That’s when Instant Wings was born, and along with it her Youtube channel Instant Wings1, where she now has over 51,000 views and over 5,000 hours of play time (and counting!)
Today
Now, Deborah has turned her attention to helping you discover your presence. Because people with a powerful, magnetic Presence – and a message that turns their adversities into a superpower – can experience nearly overnight success in almost endeavour.
Your powerful personal presence can be used to transform your business, your relationships, your results, your health, and your happiness. Because all of these things depend on how you show up. And that’s exactly what Deborah is here to teach you.
Ready to master your Presence?
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