Kay Cooke is an experienced teacher, life coach, therapist, author, and NLP Master Trainer, who is on a mission to transform the way we approach mental well-being.
Entering university marks a significant milestone in a young person's life, filled with excitement, challenges, and a multitude of unknowns. Jinty, a fictional student, embodies the apprehensions and dilemmas that many individuals face as they step into this new phase. This article delves into Jinty's journey, exploring themes of homesickness, friendships, academic pressures, and the need for support during this transitional period.
Homesickness: Coping with change
As Jinty grapples with homesickness, a common experience for many students, she ponders the challenges of leaving the familiar comforts of home. The emotional toll of missing family and the security of familiar routines can impact a student's well-being and academic performance.
Making friends: Building connections in a new environment
The article delves into Jinty's apprehensions about forging new friendships at university, highlighting the anxieties and pressures associated with social interactions. It explores the importance of navigating social dynamics, finding like-minded individuals, and overcoming the fear of isolation in a new setting.
Academic pressures: Balancing self-direction and expectations
The academic landscape at university presents a shift for Jinty, as self-directed learning and course expectations bring forth new challenges. The article discusses the fears of failure, uncertainty about course choices, and the need for resilience in navigating the academic demands of university life.
Supporting the transition: Guidance for adults and students
Adult support: Fostering resilience and understanding
Providing a roadmap for adults supporting young individuals like Jinty, the article emphasizes the importance of active listening, creating safe emotional spaces, and encouraging self-reliance. It advocates for fostering resilience, reframing language to promote empowerment, and nurturing personal growth during this transformative period.
Peer guidance: Embracing authenticity and exploration
Offering insights for students navigating the transition to adulthood, the article encourages authenticity, curiosity, and adaptability in embracing new experiences. It underscores the significance of modifying inner dialogues, exploring identity fluidity, and approaching challenges with an open mind to foster personal growth and self-discovery.
Reflections from a graduate: Lessons learned
Drawing from the wisdom of a graduate, the article shares valuable reflections on challenging preconceptions, forging genuine connections, and embracing uncertainties. It highlights the unpredictable nature of friendships, the importance of living in the moment, and the power of curiosity in shaping meaningful university experiences.
A few weeks ago, Jinty’s university experience began
After weeks of stuffing bags full of things acquired over the past 18 years; old pictures, duvets and favourite cushions, she realised how they’d all seen her grow up. Now they’re trapped between the cold edges of Ikea bags, crammed up against new shiny crockery, pans, unfamiliar new mugs. She’s no idea where they’re going to end up. Just like her.
Flinging her favourite cuddly toy into the bag seems cruel but in this new dawn of adulthood, taking it with her feels comforting. She can’t help but wonder, ‘will I feel safe there? Will I be warm enough? Will I be able to sleep?’
She reckons she’s no good at cooking, too. Will she end up surrendering herself to a diet of pot noodles like social media claims she will? Those new pots and pans might gather dust in the cupboard, barely out of their plastic containers. It seems to be what all freshers do, she surely doesn’t want to be the different one obsessing over carrots and vitamins whilst everyone else is having the time of their lives.
The statistics don’t lie, a recent survey revealed that 1 in 10 first year students will never cook, and a quarter more will be spending their maintenance loan on takeaways. But, Jinty has always had a balanced diet and who knows what might happen without this. Especially if she’s clubbing every night, which seems to be what all the ‘Freshers’ do. All the times she’s been hungover before it’s been with the luxury of weeks in-between drinking to recuperate with home cooked meals. Without that in Freshers Week, Jinty already fears she will feel out of balance.
And then there’s the money worries. Financial struggle is a top student concern, with 92% of respondents in a Student Beans survey worrying about this, and 67% voicing concerns that they will not be able to pay back their debts after university. Like many first-time students, Jinty has not had to manage much financially before now. She’s never actually bought the food shop, or been responsible for doing her own washing or transport before. What if she finds it difficult to cope/ manage and ends up running out of money?
Jinty’s worries begin to reduce her emotional resilience.
Homesick
In the last few years, Jinty’s gained independence taking care of her own responsibilities, handling 3 A-Levels, a part time job, extra-curricular sports, and a buzzing social life. So why is it that now, in the twilight of her teenage years, it’s the security of Mum and Dad she’s craving? A recent study found the major things people miss about their homes are their family, their feelings at home and the comfort of activities in this place. Studies have found that students experiencing homesickness are likely to have less focused/ productive educational experiences and are more likely to develop mental health problems whilst at university. She may or may not have developed skills to help cope with homesickness. Her parents may or may not have the skills to help her feel the freedom to leave the nest without guilt.
Worst of all, what if no-one else feels homesick and she’s the only one? Social media is littered with posts about how Freshers’ is the best year of one’s life. But, what if Jinty feels that her experience does not match this expectation? She reckons it’s unfair that the adults in her life are telling her that it’s going to be amazing, and ‘should’ be the best few years of her life. She feels under pressure to conform to their (well meaning) standards and supress any experience to the contrary. 54% student respondents in one study knew someone who had experienced negative events at university, with ⅓ of these people reporting this person dropped out as a direct result of this experience. Jinty wonders how the student support system will help her to avoid living through other people’s expectations, and even stimulate a more resilient attitude.
Jinty’s also got a few friends she doubts will get homesick at all; they can’t wait to get away. They’ve got tough home lives, and hard relationships with their parents, and keep saying they’re going to seize this opportunity to ‘break free’. She really hopes they find connections and ‘their people’ at university.
Many qualitative studies have shown that students in this context, who are sometimes estranged, have highly significant friendships at university that become their ‘new family’. Perhaps healthily so. However, if these people are too keen to seek a new tribe, they may make friends with the ‘wrong crowds’ who might lure them into uncharacteristic behaviour. It could go both ways.
Friendships
Jinty knows how to keep friends, having spent the last ten years nurturing and maintaining childhood friendships that turned into mature adult ones. But she can’t stop herself worrying that she’s forgotten how to make friends. She isn’t alone on this: one Student Beans survey including over 2000 students at university found that 95% respondents were worried about not making any friends. Everybody knows that it’s the people who make up university experiences, with interview-based studies finding that in order to keep people enrolled in university, students need to integrate into this social world much better. But what if there are no societies that are just right for Jinty to make friends with likeminded people?
Many studies have also shown there are factors that make friend-making worries even harder. One study found that lower-represented students at university, such as those from a lower-income background or of traveller status experienced more hardships when making friends, and higher levels of isolation.
Also, the relationship between alcohol and friendship at university is nothing new, for generations Freshers’ week has fuelled friendships through lower inhibitions and increased fun. But what if students don’t feel in the mood for drinking? A recent study has found that many soon-to-be university students perceive non-drinkers as people who will struggle making friends. Jinty’s really keen to find her group, but fears she’ll have to binge drink every night in order to make the right impression. She doesn’t know how to resolve that worry.
Spending time with her friends from home is predictable, fun and easy, it’s been tried and tested over the years, and it's evolved and been made stronger through growing up. What if her new connections aren’t as meaningful? She might be given rubbish flatmates which loads of people complain about online. 85% of respondents in one study at the University of Exeter, said this was their top concern. Jinty also worries about her old friends back home, replacing her with their new friends. Ridiculous idea but real emotion. In particular, Jinty realises that her home-based friendship group helps her feel the most like herself, and therefore by contrast, forging new friendships may increase self-awareness stress. Jinty’s often struggled with her identity, and understanding of who she is, and now fears this might make her more prone to peer pressure.
But resourceful Jinty has decided to make friends more easily. It started through finding her flatmates online, and chatting to them, which is typical of many first-year students trying to build their new communities. She quickly thinks she’s got a pretty good idea of them already: sussing out their personalities, comparing them to friends from home, and deciding these will be her new pals. In order for her to feel the safest while entering this new, scary and uncertain experience, she’s decided to stick with people who feel familiar. Which could, of course, limit her development if she doesn’t experience a wider range of social interactions.
Academia
All of Jinty’s teachers at school told her about the leap from A-Level to university that was going to be really difficult. To prepare herself, she’s done all the pre-reading and looked over all of the modules. Even so, she is already worrying about failing the course. One massive contrast to school is that at Jinty’s uni, the learning will be self-directed, so she’s stressing that without teachers around to provide structure, discipline, worksheets or positive feedback, she won’t manage the workload.
And crucially, what if she doesn’t like her course? She’s actually had that recurring thought for months. She’s been interested in this field of study for so long that it’s really become part of her identity and social currency both at home and with her friends. What if she sleepwalks into a wrong fit? She might get there, realise it’s not for her and have to start the whole process of deciding her career path again. There’s just so much that could go wrong. These thoughts are not easily shared.
How can the adults in Jinty’s life support her transition into adulthood?
Actively Listen to her experiences of university, instead of interrupting with personal judgements and opinions. When a human feels really seen/heard unconditionally and without judgement, a channel for inner trust opens up. Emotional expression and release are vital to good mental health.
Project a safe emotional space where all thoughts can be explored, dismissed, embraced, shunned. It’s all part of healthy growing up. Let the dynamic flow of different personality facets play out as they evolve. Don’t fear what comes up. Don’t rush to label what comes up. Honour the transitory moments of youth.
Look for and acknowledge signs of flourishing. Don’t project your fears, hopes and desires. This is not your life! It is their opportunity to find new independent ways to thrive in a world no one is prepared for. Avoid looking for problems so that you can rush to their rescue – that’s your agenda for self-worth and doesn’t build resilience.
Use language that presupposes self-reliance for thriving: “after you are all settled in your cosy bed with your brand-new duvet, I wonder which books/games/ friends will help you feel most relaxed?”
Clever language orientates their brain in specific directions. Play with words such as ‘THIS’ and ‘THAT’. “That homesickness will surely pass” helps dissociate and dissolve some of the emotional intensity that comes from this homesick.
How can students just like Jinty, support their transition into adulthood?
Social media is a binary system, completely out of touch with reality as people choose their own filters and give away information according to how they’d like to be perceived. Your life experiences are to be trusted so that you build strong inner wisdom out of whatever you have learned to deal with.
Try as many new things as you can. Plus, playfully using words like ‘I could’ sets up an open mind to new experiences, without feeling under pressure.
Modify your inner dialogue. Instead of conning yourself with a potential lie that could set you up to fail i.e. “you will have the best time” start practising thoughts like “I wonder what will be the most fun to do next week?”
Identity: who is the real you? You are on a journey of discovery, and nothing is set in stone. So, start to choose activities that bring you alive and help you feel more ‘you’.
Helpful reflections of a graduate
Although I did not love my course at first, I soon started loving it as the months went on. My advice would be not to judge it too quickly. Clear up your thinking mind and stay out of judging and analysing.
In retrospect, my best friend at university was the one I did not speak to at all before we met in person. I had absolutely no expectations about who she was, so when we met things were candid, unfiltered, fuelled by genuine curiosity, and our bond was pretty instantaneous!
However, the girls I chatted to before, who I thought would be some of my best friends, were not at all. You can never predict these things from online chats. This also shows how the brain’s predictions are often off the mark, it’s best to live in the moment.
Read more from Kay Cooke
Kay Cooke, Life Coach, Therapist, Author & NLP Master Trainer
Kay's work through The Happy Brain Co Ltd revolutionises mental health for a brighter future. Now more than ever, it is crucial to have a safe framework for understanding and taking responsibility for our mental and emotional well-being. Kay’s work is paving the way for life skills that support healthy transformations and create resilient social systems. Building a brighter future, one happy brain at a time.
