Written by: Jen Barnes, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
There are three big things that almost every chronically stressed woman does that causes them to stay chronically stressed.
They have a priority list that looks like this:
Everyone Else’s Needs
Everyone Else’s Wants
Your Needs (If there is time)
Your wants (Maybe someday?)
AND even though they likely know what they need to do to feel better, like exercising, eating well, and getting solid sleep, they can’t get themselves to do it.
They likely feel like they are trudging along day after day, going through the motions to get all of their stuff done.
When they are needing to relax, they get one massage or go out of town for the weekend in hopes that will help them feel better. And it does help ‒ until they are back at work for a few days.
Lastly, they may sign up for classes, programs, and online courses to help themselves but they never actually get around to them because they’re too “busy”.
These are all signs that you are putting everyone else's needs and wants before your own. I get why you might think it needs to be that way, given the way so many of us women were raised to be of service.
But the problem is, putting everyone else’s needs and wants before your own will wear you out over time. You will feel awful because your basic needs for health, wellness, and self-care aren’t being met consistently.
You end up physically ill and emotionally unwell. This is because if you aren’t taking care of yourself you’re not sending your brain the message that it is safe enough to rest, digest, and connect. If this happens, then your body goes into one of its protective states where your immune system, digestive system, endocrine system, and reproductive system are deprioritized to meet the goal of safety, and then you get sick.
A part of you may even know this to be true and on some level, you may believe it is important to put yourself first. But if you aren’t doing it, there is likely a part of you deep down that isn’t on board. Something inside doesn’t believe your needs deserve to be put first.
Consider Brene Brown, a researcher, storyteller, and social worker known for her work on shame, vulnerability, authenticity, boundaries, and daring leadership.
This past Spring after pausing to more deeply reflect on challenges with her podcast hosting site, she was lambasted and ironically, shamed. She continued to show up on her podcast and do her work to help those who tune in the best she could. However, after a few weeks, she decided to step back to focus on taking care of herself and healing from the cruelty and extreme stress she experienced. She took time to reflect, rest, have fun, connects with loved ones, do more inner work, and grow. She put herself and her needs first. She came back this fall rested and more fulfilled, having learned some things even though she recognizes her working through this has just begun.
While not all of us can take a three-month sabbatical to prioritize ourselves, there are small ways we can do this in our life ‒ or at least start to.
But the biggest mistake I see women facing chronic stress make is not believing they deserve the time, energy, and money they need to invest to feel better.
They say things like:
“I’ll exercise after I get the kids to bed” or “I’ll take that art class once everything is caught up at work and home” or “I can’t afford to buy that class or workshop because the kids want a new tablet”.
But the problem is, after the kids go to bed you will likely be too tired to do much else except collapse on the couch, or you might have to do things like make lunches, do laundry, etc. And you will never be completely caught up at home or work and your kids/pets will always want new things, but that doesn’t mean it has to come at the expense of you never getting to spend money on yourself. All of this is evidence that you don’t believe you deserve it.
So how do you get yourself to believe you deserve it?
Here is an abbreviated form of a process I teach in my programs and do in my work with clients to start to work through this, though it may require some deeper work either 1:1 or in a small group setting:
Find some relatively quiet and private space
Grab a pen and a journal
Take a moment to notice your breath.
As you tune into your breath, ask yourself, “what gets in the way of you believing you deserve to put yourself first?”. Free write your response (don’t worry about grammar, spelling, or readability)
Validate that a part of you feels this way ‒ can see how this part of you got there? Let it know that.
Next, ask “what is the concern if you did put yourself first?” Free write about that.
Can you see how this part of you got to be concerned in this way? If so, validate it. If not, keep writing until you do.
Problem solve how the concern of this part can be resolved so that you would be safe and okay and also able to invest your own time, energy, and money into yourself (not just others)
Thank these inner parts of you for working with you on this. Be sure to follow through on anything you promised.
This is deeper work that likely won’t be accomplished in one setting and is sometimes best done under the supervision of a therapist (like me) trained in Internal Family Systems.
A word of caution: if you have complex trauma I highly recommend doing this work only under the supervision of an individual psychotherapist since sometimes bigger stuff can come up that you will likely need support dealing with.
So the question is, how much longer do you want to drag on, going through the motions day after day, never quite feeling caught up or rested, let alone really having fun and enjoying life?
If you are ready to make a change, you’re invited to my complimentary one-hour workshop How to Recover from Chronic Stress and Build Resilience. We will meet LIVE on Zoom, Saturday, November 12th at 2:00 p.m. Central Time.
This event will be recorded so be sure to register even if you cannot attend live so you can access the replay. Register here.
I look forward to seeing you there!
Jen Barnes, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jen Barnes is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Minneapolis, MN. She specializes in complex trauma, PTSD, stress, and grief. The daughter and sister of nurses, she has a passion for empowering nurses to build resilience. She has worked with nurses 1:1 hoping to expand her reaching to a broader audience. In 2021 she completed the Dare to Lead certificate program in order to more effectively address organizational challenges in healthcare. Most recently, she spoke at the American Association of Critical Care Nurses’s 2022 NTI conference on Building Resilience in Nursing.
