Written by: Ken Pierce, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Patricia was a young looking but retired high school teacher. She had divorced her abusive, alcoholic husband, Bobby, ten years earlier, and had been on her own since. They had no children but Patricia had several close friends with whom she socialized regularly. She was deeply religious and her other top priority was her pet poodle, which was aptly named, Precious. She had a nice house with a garden in the backyard, which she enjoyed tending, faithfully.
Money cannot buy peace of mind. It cannot heal ruptured relationships, or build meaning into a life that has none.” – Richard M. DeVos, businessman
When I asked, Patricia said her biggest challenge in life was money…she still struggled to pay her bills each month, even though she had a good income. She said she grew up poor but now had a good pension, and had also inherited some property from her deceased parents. But still, money issues plagued her constantly. She said she worried so much it even interfered with her sleep. She was very stressed out.
What brought things to a crisis was her new boyfriend, whom she really liked, named George. She said he was a kind and considerate man, but actually poorer than she had ever been. He was widowed recently and had two children and three grandchildren to whom he was very devoted.
Patricia and George had been seeing each other for over a year now. He wanted to move in together which would mean sharing living expenses. Then, she said, “Ken, I’m embarrassed at how much income I have and how poorly I manage it. I’m always in debt…I can’t manage money. And if George finds out how bad I am with money, he being so poor all his life, I’m afraid he will not want to be with me..and that scares me even more. I think we could have a future together…I’ve never felt that way about a man for a long, long time.”
“In most successful relationships, there is a spender and a saver…”
“So you are afraid George will think less of you if he finds out how you manage your wealth…is that correct?” I asked.
“Yes, exactly! He is so frugal! Ken, George was recycling from necessity, long before it became popular. And, to this day, I can tell by the way he talks…he is very conscious of every cent that comes to him. How do I deal with that, knowing I blow the money I get on trips, clothes and other silly stuff!”
“I can see why you are so worried. As you probably know, money management is behind a lot of relationship difficulties because each person has their own values and perspective.” I suggested.
“So, I am not the only one? That’s comforting…a little!” She said with a half smile.
“Interestingly, in most successful relationships, there is a spender and a saver, who counterbalance each other and so maximize the growth of each and the stability of the relationship. So take heart, this may be just the challenge you need.” I said.
“I find that hard to believe but I am willing to be proven wrong!” she replied, maintaining her skepticism.
“Well Patricia, let’s start by helping me understand your current attitude toward money. What would you say is the purpose of money?” I asked.
“Money is to buy things…food, jewelry, clothes, hairstyles, trips…that kind of stuff!” she replied quickly and in a kind of ‘off the cuff’ manner.
“Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver.” – Ann Rand, author
“Money is actually a tool we use to exchange goods or services…”
“Patricia that is true…but only partly. Money is actually a tool we use to exchange goods or services with other people.”
“Exchange…I suppose that’s true, I never considered it from that angle.”
“For example, you give your grocer money in exchange for specific foods; you give a clothing store cashier money in exchange for specific things you want to wear, and you give your hairdresser money for a certain hairstyle. So there is always some form of exchange for goods or services.”
“Yes, that makes sense, Ken, I can see what you’re saying.
“I described money this way to emphasize it is an exchange in which both people involved think it is a “fair” exchange…that each got what they wanted equally…just in different forms. So your hairdresser received $100 and you received a new hairstyle…both of you satisfied with the exchange.”
“Yes, but what has that got to do with me managing my money, Ken?” Patricia asked, getting confused.
“If you infatuate or resent money… it will run your life.”
“Patricia, it is vital to manage money that you understand it is simply “a method of exchange” of goods or services between people…if you infatuate or resent money…it will run your life. But, if you start seeing it as a tool of exchange…you can start using it more wisely because you will use it like any other tool..such as a hammer, a saw or a screwdriver.” I added.
“What does it mean to use it like a tool? I don’t get that idea!” Patricia replied.
“What is the most important tool you have in your house, Patricia?”
“I was going to say my Phillips screwdriver I use to put stuff together…but, truthfully Ken, my most important tool is my dishwasher. I have hated doing dishes since I was a kid, and now, I use it every evening after supper,” she replied smiling at her own humour.
“That is a great example, Patricia. Let me make a few guesses about how you treat your dishwasher…your favourite tool! First, I bet you take good care of it and get it repaired whenever needed. Second, I bet you bought a good quality one so it would give you long-term service. And third, I bet you appreciate it almost every time you load it. Do those attitudes reflect how you perceive your dishwasher?”
“That is exactly how you need to treat your money…just like your dishwasher!”
“Ken, yes it does…that is exactly how I treat it. I even got the warranty, so they come and check it annually, so it doesn’t break down!” she added, laughing.
“And I bet, knowing you have that warranty, gives you peace of mind so you don’t worry about your dishwasher very much…is that also true?”
“Yes indeed!” she said smiling broadly with pride.
“Patricia, that is exactly how you need to treat your money…just like your dishwasher! First, you have to take good care of it. Second, use it to buy what gives you long-term service. Third, appreciate it every time you use it. Then you’ll stop worrying about it because you’ll be managing it wisely.”
“That does sound sensible, but how do I do that, Ken?” she asked, clearly perplexed.
“Well Patricia, there are several basic principles to managing money but the first one is really simple and straightforward. Tell me how you bought your first dishwasher…did you pay cash, cheque, credit card…how?”
“Ken, that was years ago when I was first married. But I remember. What I did was set aside $10 every month until I had enough to buy it outright…and I bought a good one, too!”
“When you value something, you set aside part of your income for it.”
“So, you are already experienced in this principle, that’s great! When you value something, you set aside part of your income for it. What is the most important thing you own, Patricia?”
“My house, Ken, is the most important thing I own today!”
“Not even close to the true answer, Patricia! Try again and it is something really close to you!”
“Then it is probably my poodle, Precious!”
“I know you value Precious, but no, she is not actually your most important object. The most important thing you own is, not Precious, but you Patricia… yourself. Without you there is no Precious, no one to value and care for her…so if you don’t take care of yourself first, who will take care of Precious?”
“I never thought of it like that before…you know it is true because no one values Precious like me!”
“So, are you saving for your future Patricia…are you saving at least 10% of your net income for your future…so you will know you will be able to take care of yourself, so then you can take care of Precious?” I asked.
“You are proving to yourself, you are the most important thing in your life.”
“Ken, I spend money as fast as I get it…sometimes so fast, I don’t have enough to pay my bills…that is what I have been talking about from the start…I just blow it away…and it is so embarrassing, and scary at times,” she said, the guilt like old, caked-on mascara, stuck to her face.
“Since you are the most important object you own, you must pay yourself first, at all times…that is what savings are all about…you are proving to yourself, you are the most important thing in your life. Does that make sense?” I asked her.
“It sounds like it makes dollars and cents for me, Ken!” she said, laughing again at her own wit.
I laughed with her and then added, “Patricia if you start saving ten percent of everything that comes in you will start building three things. First, a financial cushion for your future, second, a new attitude about managing your money and third, more balance in your mind and so less stress for yourself. Would that be helpful to you, as you consider your future, with George?”
“They will charge you interest… to keep you interested in paying them.”
“It would be a great start, Ken. But I have a question. If I live on 90% of my income…I will not be able to pay one or two of my bills…what happens then?”
“They will charge you interest…to keep you interested in paying them. But remember, they trust you to pay them, but, they charge you for it…a fair exchange again!
“I guess that is fair…” she said, considering this new perspective.
“And, as you keep saving your attitude towards money starts to evolve…you start feeling more in control of your wealth, and so you worry, less.”
“So, you are saying I am changing my attitude or perspective about the role of money ins my life…is that the key point here, Ken?
“Yes, Patricia, that is it exactly! Remember this is only the first step in managing your wealth. You will be learning other steps as we continue your work. But, this is an excellent first step, and a very powerful one, on the road to managing your money.”
“I was just thinking of ways I can make this happen and I realized I can put my electricity and fuel bills on an annual payment plan where I pay the same amount every month…then I can plan how to use the 90% more effectively,” she said smiling at her own insight and creativity.
“Now, that Patricia,…is managing your wealth! That is a great idea! So, when are you going to set up your savings plan…and how?” I asked her next.
“If saving money is wrong, I don’t want to be right!” – William Shatner, actor
“Learning, to manage your money, reduces your stress…”
“I was thinking about that as well. I will arrange with my bank to automatically take ten percent of my monthly pension cheque and move it to a high-interest savings account. That way it will just happen, and I can focus on using the other 90% on my other expenses.”
“Smart idea…very smart! Notice, Patricia, how learning, to manage your money, reduces your stress and anxiety about money right away.”
“Ken, yes, I feel better about it already, just knowing I am starting in a wise direction. It is like I am finally starting to get some control of my financial future. So, once I have my savings account in place and living on the other 90% what is my next step?” she asked, getting more excited about the prospect of being in control of her wealth.
“Patricia that’s the topic of our next session. I want you to bring in a list of all your current debts and expenses and you are going to set some priorities for payment. How does that sound?”
“I like that because I often struggle with who to pay first!” she replied.
“We are going to establish who gets paid second, third, fourth…”
“Now remember, we have already established who gets paid first…that’s you and your savings account. What we are going to establish next time is who gets paid second, third, fourth and so on!” I said smiling at her.
She smiled too, and then said, thoughtfully, “Ken, there is something that feels ‘right’ about putting myself first…it’s like a part of me already knew it,…but I hesitated to act.”
“Patricia, your intuition, instinct, heart, whatever you would like to call it, already knows the truth of this, it is part of your genetic or biological history, you are just helping your head to catch up.”
“Ken, I am looking forward to our next consultation! Thank you!”
Patricia went on to get increasing control of her spending and her wealth which enabled her to make decisive decisions about how she wanted her future to be with George. They eventually moved into her house, where she and George, share the garden work and Precious.
“A simple fact that is hard to learn is that the time to save money is when you have some.” – Joe More, astronomer
Points to ponder and Remember:
Financial stress is a common conflict in relationships.
Financial anxiety comes from not understanding the purpose of money.
Money is a tool to exchange goods or services.
Money, infatuated or resented, is a financial and emotional handicap.
Exchanging goods or services must be perceived as fair by both parties.
You are the most important object in your world.
You are genetically wired to protect yourself and your future.
Savings are one essential way you protect yourself and your future.
Savings help you learn money is a tool of exchange.
Saving at least 10% of your net income creates more stable finances.
Seeing money is vital to creating and maintaining your wealth.
Savings are a critical method of managing financial anxiety.
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Ken Pierce, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ken Pierce is a board-certified clinical psychologist and CEO of The Pierce Institute of Psychology Inc. He has authored many psychological works including seven books and 400 case study web-posts. Ken is considered a human behaviour expert having worked in business, education and private practice for over 40 years. He has served thousands of people of all ages from a diverse spectrum of life challenges. This group include executives, teams, organizations, individuals, couples and families. He has served on the faculty of two post-secondary institutions, Holland College and the University of Prince Edward Island.
Ken was also the first psychologist globally to achieve Master Facilitator credentials with the renowned Demartini Institute and is a Senior Faculty of the Glasser Institute. He has spoken at many regional, national and international events. As head of the The Pierce Institute of Psychology Inc. (TPI), a community service facility, he is a leader in moving clinical psychology forward by transforming a labelling and medicating focus to appreciating human adaptions as tools for empowerment. This is demonstrated in the latest research in evolutionary anthropology, biology, neurology, psychiatry and psychology. This scientific approach is found in the work of Drs. William Glasser and John Demartini and the services of TPI.
Ken resides in Stratford, Prince Edward Island with Anna, his partner of 50 years. They have three daughters and three grandsons. Ken's interests vary widely from quantum theory to energy efficiency to building stone walls.
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