Written by: Travis Thompson, LMFT, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Surely, he’s not cheating, right? I mean, we haven’t really been close for a while and the intimacy is nearly non-existent. Maybe it’s the kids or the job. Maybe I have lost my touch, or he sees something that I don’t. Maybe he doesn’t find me sexy anymore or something is wrong. Surely, we can work this out. Maybe I could help with some of the stress. Maybe I can work on things around the house so that he can focus on use. Maybe I should lose some weight or try something new.
Now that I think about it, she has been distant since everything went down. I mean, we are still close, but she just seems “off.” I can’t really seem to figure out why she isn’t as happy. Is there nothing I can do? Is there something going on that I don’t know about? Maybe she’s talking to that guy from work I saw her with last week. We try to talk, and she just puts up walls. I can’t even get her to get upset, except when something goes wrong that she doesn’t like. It's almost as if I don’t even matter to her. Is there hope for us?
What is an Emotional Affair?
When couples think of the word “cheating,” the first thing that comes to mind is sleeping with someone outside of the boundaries of the relationship. This drastic departure from what is considered a dedicated dyad of individuals can absolutely rock the foundations of what brought a couple together. It is no shock that infidelity easily tears people apart, often without the emotional capacity or motivation for repair. So, if that is what people normally think of when an affair comes up, then what is an emotional affair?
For starters, an emotional affair may or may not include any physical contact. In some cases, what constitutes an emotional affair could be chatting through messaging services like Facebook. In other scenarios, a coworker could provide an emotional space to process relationship issues. In both hypothetical situations, a strict definition of fault can be difficult to ascribe to behavior. Where is the line between making conversation and confiding concerns in someone outside of the relationship? Because of the sparse and varied situations that someone can find themselves in, it can be difficult to pin down what an emotional affair really is.
Certainly, members of a couple can describe what an emotional affair is, or at least what the effects are. For starters, there is either an abrupt or continual drop in emotional intimacy through conversation, physical contact, and feelings of safety with a partner. In many cases, a partner can remember a time when the relationship was stronger, but things have slowly drifted away from there. Somehow something is different in their partner. The light of the relationship has dimmed.
Triangles
The most effective way to describe infidelity or an affair is through a triangle. In previous articles, I have discussed the intricacies of triangulation in a relationship. However, this discussion will adapt that model to how an emotional affair affects a couple. For a refresher, a triangle in a relationship denotes a problematic interaction between two members of a couple and a third party. This third party, also called a mitigating factor, could be anything from a child to a pastime, to another person. It is what keeps a relationship in balance when a couple is unable to discuss and resolve their frustrations. While not initially seen as a problem, a mitigating factor in a triangle sucks the life and intimacy out of what could otherwise be an honest and healthy couple.
Now, an emotional affair specifically involves a person or action that absorbs the emotional energy of a member of the couple that becomes inaccessible to the partner. It is a mitigating factor that soothes one member while leaving the other in the dark. Potentially, nearly anything relational could become the source of an emotional affair. Some examples of these sources could be the flirty coworker, the friend who makes someone feel better without encouraging them to talk about it with their partner. To the offending partner, what we call the person who is “cheating” in this scenario, finds calm in being able to take the stress that is generated with their significant other and place it in the relationship that they have generated with this third party. This is where the lack of emotional engagement stems from. The partner who has not engaged in an outside relationship in this way will feel distance coupled with an inability to access their partner intimately, ultimately leading to possible desperate attempts to gain their attention or engage in behavior drastic enough to gain a response.
Distance from Addiction
It is understandable that another person could pull emotional energy away from the relationship, as tension could be easily distributed by the offending partner. For some, this dynamic is the most significant harm that can be done, even more so than a one-night stand, due to the continual connection and vulnerability that is shown. How does an inanimate object fulfill this role? In what way could a simple substance stand in the place of a human relationship?
Within a healthy relationship dynamic, there is no place for an outside party that mitigates the relationship, whether that is a job, a child, or another adult. However, there are ways that non-human interactions trigger an emotional attachment that can provide synthetic connection and stability. If you are curious if this is happening to you, simply as yourself this: does it feel like they love _______ more than me? If so, then there is a possibility that emotions are being taken from the relationship. While every relationship is different and evaluation of dynamics and needs vary, this question often brings up new ideas. In my work with those suffering from addiction, as well as their significant others, this sentiment rings true. Even more, when asked about how drinking or substance use has affected the non-addicted partner, they always agree with this statement: it feels like they are cheating on you with a drug.
The specific dynamics of how this comes to pass can be seen through the lens of Attachment Theory, a previous article. However, some further explanation can be helpful here. Considering the specific relationship that alcohol has in a relationship, drinking can provide a non-judgmental sense of safety, and warmth. Many addicts describe their substance as a warm hug in a cold world. While this is comforting at the moment, alcohol is a selfish lover. It always demands more, stringing someone along into desperate places that were previously unbeknownst to someone. A synthetic connection, addiction automatically separates someone from their family due to its accessibility and rapid feelings of calm that it provides. In this sense, any tension that should be brought to a relationship is instead taken to the bottle and left there until a later drunken argument.
Breaking it Up
So, what can be done when someone is engaging in an emotional affair? Typically, the first step is to cut all contact with the affair partner. This is already complex, even more so when the affair partner is on every street, restaurant, and even promoted at half price. The inherent difficulty demands intensive work, often seen as impossible to many couples and even therapists. The first step to work on this dynamic is the admission of a simple idea: addiction is inherently an emotional affair, and everything associated with needs and hurt applies. Humility is key here and acceptance of the process of infidelity is the cornerstone of effective change.
If at all possible, see a therapist that specializes in couples and addiction cycles. There have been many studies and presentations on the repeated patterns of addiction and recovery, but few are tied to the long-term work of recovery from infidelity as well. Also, recognize that this is going to be a process of a year or more. Trust can take a significant time to rebuild. Even with conversations between partners of the couple, there can be other factors in play such as children, social expectations, family concerns, and even physical affairs. Time is both your friend and a great source of anxiety. Work should be centered around the ability to communicate vulnerability and access the deeper attachment hurts and desires of each person.
At a minimum, recognize that everyone in this scenario is hurt. Also, everyone has faults to some degree. While you may not have been aware of the extent of the drinking, you did tolerate distance until something drastic happened or something finally snapped. Non-offending partners can often find comfort in being given continual support during the active addiction phase, or even enjoy the ability to not have to acknowledge their own issues due to addiction being such a significant concern in the relationship. However, a significant concern is still paid to the partner who sat in addiction for this period. Some core things to remember in moving forward will be given in short form now. There are no martyrs in a healthy marriage. Hiding or shoving something will ultimately lead to something worse. Recovering addicts often feel a “life debt” to those that dealt with their drinking and can be hesitant to voice their needs. Offended partners need the ability to describe what they want to know and what they need. Not everyone stays together after healing. Some have held onto the relationship to see a resolution, not stay connected. Old habits die hard, especially those around lying and distraction. Everyone is highly reactive at this stage. Take time to breathe.
I hope this has been helpful. Take the time you need to research the next steps in finding support or therapy, or maybe it is enough for you to simply hear that there is information and a framework around moving forward. No matter which path is taken next, be assured that no one in this scenario is crazy. We are all just broken and hurt.
Travis Thompson, LMFT, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Travis Thompson, is a researcher, teacher, and therapist focused on healing the lives of those in addiction. With a drive to see effective, long-term change in his community, he has dedicated himself, his practice, and his doctoral work on both research, education, and implementation of recovery. He strives to further the mental health field towards a holistic and advanced understanding of what addiction truly is, where it comes from, and how we all can help.
