Written by Deb Penner, Transformative Mentor
Deb Penner is a visionary voice, blending modern psychology with ancient wisdom and divine guidance to offer transformative perspectives guiding women to embrace their magic and unleash their voices with courage and grace. A founder, author, speaker, mentor, and retreat organizer, Deb is known for creating transformative spaces and experiences.
Like a compass needle drawn to the north, the desire for connection and approval is a natural guiding force. Yet, in today's culture of radical independence, many of us fight against this internal compass, carrying unnecessary shame about this fundamental human need. Discover the hidden truth that will transform your relationship with people-pleasing and empower lasting, positive change.
You've tried everything. You've brushed up on boundaries, embraced the word "no," and deepened your commitment to self-care. But you're still plagued by a constant desire to please others. Nothing you do eases the pain, and the guilt you feel for standing your ground is compounded by the shame of believing you'll never stop being a people-pleaser.
With all the media attention given to the concept of people-pleasing lately, it's no wonder it's on your mind. But there's one thing no one has told you, and it’s the key to ending the shame cycle surrounding this hot-button topic.
Defining people-pleasing
Fellow Brainz contributor Sophia Wood Massicotte defines people-pleasing as “a way to put what you think other people want ahead of what you actually want, with a goal of trying to make or keep them happy.” For some, it results from cultural conditioning. For others, it’s a trauma response. Regardless of its origins, the hallmarks of people-pleasing are behaviors that disrupt or disrespect the self, performed to receive outside approval or acceptance. Common people-pleasing behaviors include neglecting your own needs to help another meet theirs, poor or nonexistent boundaries, over-apologizing, and refusing to express your emotional experience.
The missing distinction
Ask a “recovering” people-pleaser if they’re feeling better since learning to set boundaries, prioritize their own care, and speak their truth, and you might be surprised by the answer. You may change your people-pleasing ways only to find yourself increasingly disappointed by the fact that the urge to please remains. There’s a feeling of failure: “I’ve done so much hard work. Why do I still want others to be happy with me? Why can’t I get over it?”
In the media hype, there’s a vital distinction that’s often overlooked. People-pleasing consists of two interrelated facets: the drive to be loved and accepted by others and the behaviors you may enact in response to that drive. The common use of the term “people-pleasing” refers to these behaviors without acknowledging the ever-present desire for approval and acceptance.
Everyone is a people pleaser
Just as every compass responds to magnetic north, all psychologically healthy humans are oriented toward connection and acceptance. Like trying to force a compass to point south, fighting against your natural orientation toward connection only creates internal conflict. You are a social animal who requires close bonds for your highest wellness. For millennia, humans lived in tribal societies where we depended directly on others for our safety and survival. The desire you feel to be connected to and accepted by others is a natural part of your human experience. The term people-pleasing should be understood to refer to self-abandoning behaviors and the possible traumas that may lead to these actions. This is the facet of people-pleasing that can and should be addressed. A continued desire for acceptance is simply your human biology and psychology reminding you of what is essential for you to thrive.
Making meaningful change
To end the shame cycle around people-pleasing, begin by accepting that your internal compass toward connection is working exactly as it should. The presence of this drive signals that you are a healthy human! Once you've accepted the unavoidable and utterly positive nature of this desire for connection, you can focus fully on addressing any problematic behaviors that may have developed in response. These three steps will help you modify your behavior and truly shift your experience of people-pleasing:
1. Create a buffer space
Your ingrained response is to prioritize others over yourself. Interrupt the cognitive pattern and give yourself a chance to make a conscious decision by creating a default response to all requests. Try something like, "Let me check my schedule and get back to you."
2. Seek inward
Fact: you already know your true answer to any request, as well as the answer you feel compelled to give. If there is dissonance here, ask yourself probing questions: Why am I compelled to say yes to this, even though I don’t want to do it? What do I think I will gain by accepting this project, even though I don’t feel I have the time?
3. Feed your needs in a healthy manner
Once you know the need beneath your conditioned answer, you can find ways to meet that need in more supportive ways. Compelled to take on a work project so you can hear how capable you are? Pass on the project and ask a trusted friend to share how they see your performance. Let Mom give you an in-depth analysis of your life choices in the hope that she’ll also show you love at some point in the conversation. Set a boundary with Mom and plan a date with someone who will show you love without judgment.
The endless desire you feel for others to be happy with you is not only normal; it’s healthy. When you recognize this overlooked reality, you can ease feelings of guilt and shame and offer yourself a compassionate path to change. Practicing creating space to make more aligned decisions, assessing your needs, and finding healthy ways to craft connections will allow you to cultivate lasting peace around people-pleasing.
People-pleasing behavior can have deep roots and be supported by robust emotional, spiritual, and energetic structures. Schedule a complimentary Breakthrough Session with me to explore your unique relationship with yourself and others. Together, we'll craft beliefs and habits that support your sovereignty and self-expression.
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Deb Penner, Transformative Mentor
Deb Penner, a transformative visionary, guides women on a journey to embrace their magic and unleash the voice of the Divine Feminine. With over two decades of experience, she curates immersive retreats, dynamic workshops, and live/virtual spaces where women explore their values, gifts, and voices in a safe community. As a speaker and blog author, her insights deeply resonate. Beyond her professional pursuits, Deb finds joy outdoors with her dogs, in the kitchen cooking from scratch, lost in live music on the dance floor, or curled up with a good book.
