Dr. Nichelle Chandler is a psychotherapist and life coach based in Dallas, Texas. She specializes in working with women, including those with lupus and other autoimmune conditions. She has maintained a private practice for nearly two decades and once managed the clinical department of one of Dallas' most prominent mental health clinics.
I've been told I am strong for as long as I can remember. It's a compliment with a knowing nod, a sense of pride, and a deep history rooted in resilience. As Black women, we've been lauded as the backbone of our families, communities, and workplaces. We wear our strength like a badge of honor, passed down from generations of women who survived and thrived in the face of unimaginable odds. But at what cost?
This notion of the "Strong Black Woman" is one that we carry with us, often without question. It's an identity that has been shaped by our history, by the stories of our mothers and grandmothers who faced systemic racism, sexism, and economic hardship with unwavering grace. They taught us to persevere and to be strong because there was no other option.
And so, we've donned the cape. We've become the fixers, the caregivers, the problem-solvers, and the keepers of everyone else's burdens. We've learned to swallow our pain, to hide our fears, and to push through, even when we're breaking inside. We've been conditioned to believe that vulnerability is a luxury we can't afford and that showing weakness is tantamount to failure.
But let me tell you something: This cape is heavy. And it's not just heavy it's suffocating. The expectation to always be strong and have it together slowly but surely wears us down. It's leading to burnout, depression, anxiety, and a host of other mental health issues that we've been taught to ignore or dismiss.
The truth is, we are not superwomen. We are human. We have limits and needs and the right to care for ourselves without guilt or shame. Yet, society tells us otherwise. It tells us that we must keep going and be everything to everyone while keeping our struggles hidden from view.
So, how do we stop wearing this cape? How do we unlearn these harmful messages and reclaim our right to be human?
A therapist’s perspective on the ‘strong black woman’ syndrome
As a psychotherapist who has worked with countless Black women struggling with the weight of the 'Strong Black Woman' cape, I can tell you that this issue is both pervasive and deeply damaging. The women I see are high achievers, lawyers, doctors, educators, and entrepreneurs who have done everything "right." Yet, they walk into my office on the brink of collapse, worn down by the unrelenting pressure to be strong, competent, and unbreakable.
One of the most heartbreaking patterns I observe is the way these women often delay seeking help. The Superwoman Syndrome tells them they must manage everything on their own. Asking for help, in their minds, is an admission of failure or inadequacy. By the time they sit on my couch, they are often dealing with a complex mix of depression, anxiety, and physical health issues like hypertension or chronic fatigue.
We must understand that the Strong Black Woman trope is not a compliment but a cage. It traps us in a role that demands constant giving without receiving, enduring without resting, and supporting without being supported. This role is not sustainable, and it's not fair. You deserve more than a life of endless resilience.
How to stop wearing the cape
1. Acknowledge your feelings
The first step is to allow yourself to feel. We've been taught to suppress our emotions and put on a brave face even when hurting. But your feelings are valid, and they deserve to be acknowledged. Feeling it all is okay, whether it's sadness, anger, frustration, or exhaustion. You don't have to be strong all the time.
As a therapist, I encourage my clients to create space for their emotions. This might mean journaling, meditating, or simply sitting with their feelings without trying to fix them. It's about giving yourself permission to be human.
2. Set boundaries
As Black women, we often take on more than we can handle because we feel like we have to. But it's crucial to set boundaries at work and home. Learn to say no without feeling guilty. Protect your time, your energy, and your peace. You can't pour from an empty cup, sis!
In therapy, we work on boundary-setting as a form of self-care. It's about recognizing that you have a right to your time and energy. Saying no is not a rejection of others; it's an affirmation of your needs.
3. Prioritize self-care
Self-care is not a luxury. It's a necessity. Whether taking a day off, seeking therapy, spending time with loved ones, or simply doing something that brings you joy, prioritize self-care. You deserve to care for yourself just as much as you care for others.
I often remind my clients that self-care is an act of resistance against a society that tells them they must always be available to others. It's a radical reclaiming of your own life and well-being.
4. Seek support
You don't have to do it all alone. Lean on your community, whether it's friends, family, or a support group. Find people who understand what you're going through and can offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or a space where you can be yourself without the pressure to be strong.
In therapy, we discuss the importance of building a support network. Whether it's joining a group for Black women, reaching out to a mentor, or simply confiding in a trusted friend, support is crucial. You deserve to be supported, not just the one doing the supporting.
5. Redefine strength
Strength doesn't mean never showing weakness. True strength lies in knowing when to ask for help, when to rest, and when to put yourself first. It's about being honest with yourself about your needs and having the courage to meet them, even when society tells you otherwise.
In my practice, we work on redefining what it means to be strong. True strength isn't about never falling down; it's about knowing how to get back up and having the wisdom to ask for help when needed.
Conclusion: Reclaiming our humanity
It's time to remove the cape and relinquish the expectation that we must always be strong. We deserve to live fully, feel deeply, and care for ourselves without apologizing. We are more than the "Strong Black Woman" stereotype. We are whole, complex human beings with the right to prioritize our mental health and well-being.
Let's give ourselves permission to be just that human. In doing so, we may find that true strength lies not in our ability to endure but in our ability to embrace our vulnerability. And as we do, we will discover that the most powerful thing we can do is live authentically, with all our complexities, needs, and desires in full view.
Sis, take off the cape. It's too heavy!
Read more from Dr. Nichelle Chandler
Dr. Nichelle Chandler, Psychotherapist and Life Coach
Dr. Nichelle Chandler is a dynamic mother, wife, motivator, educator, coach, and psychotherapist. As the founder of Brooktree Counseling & Consulting, PLLC, and Lupus Freedom, she brings over 20 years of experience helping individuals unlock their full potential. Dr. Nichelle is deeply passionate about empowering women to create their desired lives. Her journey with Lupus has fueled her dedication to helping women with the condition thrive, just as she has.
