The Silent Blueprint of Loss and How Losing a Parent Young Shapes Every Bond We Build
- Brainz Magazine
- 5 hours ago
- 6 min read
Nadija is a multi-award-winning trauma and empowerment specialist with a double diploma in hypnotherapy, mind coaching, and online therapy. She is also a Reiki master and a grief educator, and she has been trained by an international grief specialist and best-selling author, David Kessler. Nadija is also an end-of-life doula.
There are moments in life that redefine us. Losing a parent at a young age is not just a heartbreak; it is a blueprint change. It silently, often invisibly, rewrites the foundation on which we learn to love, to trust, to interact, to connect, and even to lead.
“The death of any loved parent is an incalculable lasting blow. Because no one ever loves you again like that.” — American writer and journalist Brenda Ueland in Me: A Memoir
When the anchor is lost too soon
Psychological studies have shown that early parental loss, especially before the age of twelve, drastically increases the likelihood of developing an insecure attachment style, often anxious or avoidant. According to a meta-analysis published in Attachment & Human Development, children who experience early bereavement are 45% more likely to struggle with attachment insecurity in adulthood.
What does that really mean?
It means many of us who have walked through that kind of early grief go on to experience a deep, sometimes unspoken, fear of being left again, and our relationship template is affected. We crave connection, deeply, yet often build emotional walls. We want to be seen, yet hide behind independence. We long for love, yet brace ourselves for its departure.
The death of a parent can deeply influence a child’s beliefs about love, safety, and connection:
Key patterns that might form:
“People leave.” This can lead to difficulty trusting that others will stick around.
“I have to earn love.” Some children internalize the idea that love must be worked for, or they must be perfect to be lovable.
Hyper-independence. Especially if the child had to become a “little adult” early.
Over-responsibility or people-pleasing. Trying to keep everyone happy or safe to avoid further loss.
And these dynamics show up everywhere.
Let’s talk about attachment styles
As previously mentioned, attachment theory suggests that early experiences with caregivers form a blueprint for how we relate to others. When a parent dies during childhood, especially if it is sudden or traumatic, it can disrupt the development of secure attachment. Depending on the context, this loss might lead to:
1. Anxious attachment
Fear of abandonment.
Constant need for reassurance in relationships.
Hyper-awareness to signs of rejection.
Often develops if the surviving caregiver is emotionally unavailable due to their own grief.
2. Avoidant attachment
Emotional distancing.
Difficulty trusting or relying on others.
Tendency to suppress emotions.
Can result if a child feels they have to “grow up fast” or become emotionally self-reliant.
3. Disorganized attachment
Push-pull dynamic in relationships.
Fearful of closeness yet terrified of abandonment.
Often develops when the loss was traumatic or if the surviving caregivers were inconsistent or neglectful.
Love, work & friendship: A web of repetition
Romantic relationships: A mirror to our inner wounds
When your first experience of unconditional love is taken away suddenly, the nervous system remembers. It wires itself for vigilance. In romantic relationships, this can manifest as needing constant reassurance, or, on the opposite end, keeping partners at arm’s length. The subconscious mind says, “Do not get too close. They will leave too.”Many find themselves drawn to emotionally unavailable partners, a replication of the emotional unavailability that came with grief, even if the parent was loving before passing. It is not about logic; it is about imprints. Trauma bonding becomes common, and the person often does not understand why they are chasing love that hurts.
The workplace: Who we follow reflects what we lost
Surprisingly, the workplace is another stage where this early wound plays out. Individuals who lost a parent early often find themselves drawn to powerful, sometimes authoritarian bosses. Why? Because the psyche is looking for a leader figure to replace the one it lost. This can be healing, but if unconscious, it can become a cycle of seeking validation from people who are unlikely to give it, recreating the emotional absence of the past.
Some become high achievers, perfectionists even, in an effort to be “good enough” to not be left behind again. It is no surprise that a 2020 study in The Journal of Occupational Health Psychology found that those who experienced childhood trauma were significantly more likely to experience workplace anxiety and burnout.
Friendships: Fearing loss, playing small
In friendships, there is often a need to be the caregiver or the “strong one.” Vulnerability becomes difficult because, somewhere deep down, the fear whispers: If I show my need, they might go too. This can lead to one-sided relationships where you are always giving, never receiving, and too afraid to ask for more.
Pregnancy, motherhood & the female bond
For women, and those who carry and nurture children, early parental loss can also echo deeply during pregnancy and motherhood. If the parent lost was the mother, there’s often grief wrapped in the transformation into “the mother role” themselves. Unprocessed sorrow can resurface, especially in the absence of maternal guidance.
There is a psychological term for this: re-grief. Pregnancy and parenthood often trigger a re-emergence of the early pain, and it can be overwhelming. It can also bring fears of loss, “What if I leave my child like my parent left me?”, leading to anxiety, overprotection, and self-doubt.
Even the bond with other women can feel fraught. Trusting deeply, leaning on others, and receiving nurturing all become uphill battles when your earliest emotional needs went unmet due to loss.
From fear to freedom: Healing the fear of abandonment
At the core of this all is the fear of abandonment. It is not just emotional, it is physiological. The body stores the memory of the loss, and without healing, it becomes the lens through which every relationship is viewed.
But here is the empowerment: this pattern is not a life sentence.
These effects are not set in stone. Our brains are adaptable, and with awareness, healing, and safe relationships, people can develop secure attachment later in life.
Awareness is the first liberation. Understanding that your attachment patterns are not flaws but adaptations, your nervous system trying to keep you safe, allows for radical self-compassion.
Therapeutic tools like hypnosis, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), somatic therapy, and inner child healing can be transformative. Coaching, hypnotherapy, and spiritual development work help rewire the brain and create new belief systems that say: “I am not destined to be left.”
You can rewire your relationship with love. You can attract safe, emotionally available people. You can trust your boss without giving your power away. You can be a mother or nurturer without being swallowed by grief.
Because ultimately, your loss does not define you, your healing does.
"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them." Maya Angelou
Let your story of early grief become your greatest power. You have already lived through the worst; now choose to live, connect, and love with intention, courage, and grace.
You are not broken. You are rebuilding, consciously, boldly, and beautifully.
Nadija Bajrami, Strategic Hypnotherapist, Mind Coach
French by birth, Nadija lived in Scotland for 7 years and travelled the world. After recovering from some serious health issues, Nadija had a wake-up call and came to Ireland to find her path. She has been living in Dublin since 2017. Nadija is working mostly online worldwide and shares her time between Ireland, France, and Switzerland.
Nadija is a multi-award-winning trauma and empowerment specialist with a double diploma in hypnotherapy, mind coaching, and online therapy. She is also a Reiki master and a grief educator, and she has been trained by an international grief specialist and best-selling author, David Kessler. Nadija is also an end of life doula.
She is dedicated to helping her clients get empowered, supercharge their confidence and self-esteem, overcome their limiting beliefs as well as manage anxiety, and trauma responses. She also helps people on their grief and healing journey through her therapy, coaching, grief education and support programmes and spiritual work.
