Written by Conrad Lipic, Transformational Coach
Conrad Lipic, a former combat medic in the US Army, transformed his demons and challenges into a passionate career of healing through his business, Mind Aligned, LLC. He specializes in men’s issues, sex addiction, and trauma and also aids clients in navigating their stuck points and gaps.
Being raped by a woman is a very taboo and unspoken topic despite how prevalent it is. Yet nearly 79% of men who were made to penetrate were victims of female perpetrators. When it happens, all too often, it goes unreported and is usually suppressed to the point that men do not identify it as rape. When it is brought to the surface and understood, many men typically cry or look defeated and sad. A common phrase spoken by victims is, “I didn’t realize that’s what it was.” But why do we push this topic down and not address it? What makes it okay for men to hold this in but not women? For some reading this, you’ll identify as having been raped. And to that, I express my sympathy as a fellow man who a raped by a woman.
In researching the statistics for this article, I found very little recent data available. The CDC uses the term “made to penetrate,” which means “Being made to penetrate occurs when the victim was made to, or there was an attempt to make them, sexually penetrate someone without consent as a result of physical force or when the victim is unable to consent due to being too drunk, high, or drugged, (e.g., incapacitation, lack of consciousness, or lack of awareness) from their voluntary or involuntary use of alcohol or drugs.”
The shocking statistics
In 2023, the CDC reported these statistics for sexual violence against men:
Nearly one in four men in the U.S. experienced some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime.
About one in 14 men in the U.S. were made to penetrate someone during their lifetime.
More than one in 38 men in the U.S. experienced completed or attempted rape victimization in their lifetime.
Among male victims of completed or attempted rape, about 71% first experienced such victimization prior to age 25.
97% of men who experienced rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner had only female perpetrators.
82% of male victims of sexual coercion reported only female perpetrators.
79% of male victims of being made to penetrate reported only female perpetrators.
53% of male victims of unwanted sexual contact reported only female perpetrators.
Real life stories
Even though it happens, male victims are sometimes accused of being the rapist, consenting to it, or not telling the truth. When I was in the Army, a colleague of mine was intoxicated to the point they could barely stand up at a house party. The wife who owned the house kept making advances on him. Despite him continuing to say no, she took him into the bedroom and forced him into sex. When the husband walked in, he called the military police, thinking the guy had forced himself onto his wife, which is what she claimed. When the military police came, they went to arrest him, and only after he was in handcuffs did the wife break down crying and admitted that he kept saying no, and she forced herself onto him, at which point they arrested her.
When it happened to me, it was a woman I had met with once before for sex. A week or two later, she kept texting me, saying she wanted sex. I kept saying no, and at that point, she started to berate Army personnel and me via text message. It was once she insulted me by saying I wasn’t a man because if I were, I’d come and have sex with her. That’s when I unwillingly got into my car and made the hour-and-a-half drive to her place. During the drive, she continued berating me despite knowing that I was coming to see her. I felt weakness in my legs as I entered her place. She didn’t give me any chance to back out despite me still saying I didn’t want to do this. She took my pants off and forced me to get hard and penetrate her. When it was finished, she acted like everything was happy and kicked me out of her apartment. I cried for a half hour on the drive home, but it wasn’t until five years later I realized that I was raped.
These two stories are similar to others that happen to men worldwide. In 2013, a Chicago woman forced a man she picked up to have sex with her friend in the backseat of her car at gunpoint. In 1990, a 19-year-old was given drinks in a nightclub by a pregnant woman and then taken to a hotel room where he had non-consensual sex. The following day, he woke up, and she again forced herself onto him, saying “that he could hurt the baby if he put up a fight.” These are just two more of the many stories that men live with, usually in silence.
What it’s like for male victims
For men, admitting that a woman has raped them can be a blow to their masculinity. For male victims of rape by women, there is a litany of responses and dismissals:
“Hey, it was just sex.”
“Men can’t be raped by women; they can only be raped by other men.”
“You weren’t raped.”
“Don’t tell me about that. I don’t want to know about it.”
“At least you got to have sex.”
“That’s what you get for being a slut.”
Encouragement and congratulations from women and men for having sex before and after the event.
And sometimes a look of disapproval from other men.
The amount of shame these responses create is tremendous. It leads to an increase in substance use (alcohol, marijuana, and harder drugs), increased mental health issues, increased suicidal ideations, a decline in relationship satisfaction, impotence, and even increased promiscuity with women as a means of validating their sexual identity according to a paper published in 2023 in the Behavioral Sciences Journal.
While there can be a lot of shame, it should be known that some people will provide empathy and support for victims. In doing this, victims will be more likely to seek help, not become perpetrators themselves, and will have better relationships in the future. The key is to be there and not judge the victim. Believe them. For a man to express this happened can be very difficult.
Help is available
While this can be a difficult topic for many, help is available, and you aren’t alone. Speaking with a qualified mental health professional, joining a support group, grief therapy, and group therapy are good places to turn to for help. Regenerating Images in Memory is also an excellent modality outside of therapy and coaching, and it has the potential to help as well. Mind Aligned, LLC is one of those places where you can work with a therapist or transformational coach. Remember, the past doesn’t define us; we aren’t our past.
May your coffee be strong but not as strong as your commitment to yourself.
Read more from Conrad Lipic
Conrad Lipic, Transformational Coach
Conrad Lipic, a former combat medic in the US Army, transformed his demons and challenges into a passionate career of healing through his business, Mind Aligned, LLC. He specializes in men’s issues, sex addiction, and trauma and also aids clients in navigating their stuck points and gaps. His work goes beyond addressing the symptoms to understanding the whole person using a holistic “jigsaw puzzle” approach that creates lasting change. Having worked with clients across the US, New Zealand, Australia, Europe, and Asia, Conrad is not just a coach but a beacon of hope for those seeking to transform and rebuild their lives.
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