Written by Jen Legaspi, Master Life Coach
Jen Legaspi is a trauma-informed, certified Master Life Coach, author of the book Brave Wise Woman, and yoga teacher. She helps post-divorce women over 40 figure out what comes next, guiding them to create a meaningful new chapter in their lives.
Struggling to make even the smallest decisions after divorce? You’re not alone. Many women find themselves tangled in fear and self-doubt, questioning their ability to trust themselves again. But self-trust isn’t about being confident 100% of the time. It’s about building a sense of safety within yourself, even in uncertain moments. Here are some practical tips to cultivate safety and self-trust as you navigate your post-divorce journey.
What is self-trust?
Self-trust is believing in your ability to handle life’s challenges and make decisions that reflect your true needs and desires. It’s that inner knowing that you can rely on yourself, even when things feel uncertain. When your self-trust is strong, you approach life with more clarity and confidence, especially during times of rebuilding your life. Without it, fear and doubt can creep in, making it harder to take those important steps toward the future you want. Trusting yourself lets you feel more comfortable in your own skin, make choices that align with who you are, and grow from any mistakes along the way. It’s what allows your authenticity to really shine.
The grip of self-doubt after divorce
We can get a better sense of self-trust by looking at its opposite–self-doubt. After a divorce, self-doubt can show up in a lot of ways. You might struggle with simple decisions like choosing the right size milk carton, second-guess past choices, or feel unsure about managing finances on your own. It can make you afraid of making mistakes because you don’t trust your judgment. You might worry about letting people down, hesitate to take risks, or find yourself replaying the divorce, wondering what went wrong. Self-doubt can even make you question whether you’re capable of handling life on your own or close yourself off to the idea of love again. In the body, self-doubt often feels like tension, constriction, fear, anxiety, or even shame.
When you don’t trust yourself, patterns of self-abandonment usually follow–like ignoring your own needs, over-giving to others, or not having clear boundaries. This can look like saying 'yes' to things you don’t really want, or seeking approval from others instead of trusting your own inner voice. Over time, these patterns can reinforce limiting beliefs, like thinking you can’t rely on yourself or that others know better than you. This cycle keeps the self-doubt alive. And without self-trust, it’s tough to step into the version of yourself you’re meant to become in this new chapter.
The connection between safety and self-trust
Feeling safe on the inside–in your body, your emotions, and your environment–allows you to take risks and make decisions without being paralyzed by doubt or fear. But the stress of divorce can overload your nervous system, keeping it stuck in survival mode, even long after the papers are signed. In this state, your brain is focused on your survival, making even simple tasks or new challenges feel overwhelming and clouding your ability to think clearly and trust your judgment.
Divorce can be more than just stressful–some experience it as a trauma. It turns your world upside down and disrupts your sense of safety. Trauma disconnects you from yourself, making it harder to trust your own judgment, abilities, and even other people and the world. When you don’t feel safe, you instinctively go into self-protection mode, which can block your access to self-trust.
This is the secret to self-trust
After a divorce, you might feel overwhelmed by the pressure to have all the answers or make the “right” choices. I’ve been there myself–stuck in cycles of doubt, anxiety, and shame. What I’ve learned is that self-trust isn’t about having everything figured out or being perfect. It’s about seeing uncertainty as an opportunity for creation and growth, not a barrier. After divorce, I had to discover the gifts in my own journey and trust that I could handle whatever came my way, which also meant addressing deeper wounds.
Here’s the secret: self-trust isn’t built by just trying to be more confident or seeking validation from others. In fact, confidence is built on a foundation of self-trust. The real key is creating a sense of safety within yourself–in your body, heart, and mind. While self-doubt brings tension and anxiety, self-trust creates a sense of openness and grounding. Think of this internal safety like the foundation of a house–it supports you as you build your confidence, tackle new challenges, and make decisions. By focusing on cultivating this inner safety instead of striving for perfection or needing external approval, you lay the groundwork for genuine self-trust to develop. With time, your confidence will naturally grow from there.
Why we can struggle with self-trust
Before we dive into practical tips, it’s helpful to understand why self-trust can be hard to access for some women in adulthood. Factors like having an insecure attachment style, past traumas, or societal pressures can undermine our ability to develop self-trust early on. For instance, anxious attachment might make you doubt your worth, people-please, or constantly seek validation. Trauma can disrupt your sense of safety and shake your confidence in your judgment. Cultural and societal pressures often equate perfection with worthiness. The nature of divorce can expose these underlying issues, revealing what was already present but perhaps previously hidden or suppressed. Addressing these underlying wounds and the limiting beliefs that have formed with a coach or therapist helps you create a foundation for stronger self-trust and healing.
5 tips for cultivating safety and self-trust after divorce
1. Reduce your stress levels
To start cultivating inner safety, reducing stress is essential. This is the first step when I work with clients. For some women, especially those who have unprocessed trauma or have been stuck in a prolonged survival state, this can take time and you may encounter resistance in the body as you work on this. Our brains tend to prefer familiarity, even if what is familiar is not healthy for us. This means that if you are relying on coping strategies–such as doom scrolling on your phone, impulsive shopping, alcohol–to soothe your stress, they may only provide temporary relief. These strategies do little to calm your nervous system and could ultimately prolong your stress by keeping you in familiar, unproductive patterns.
The good news is this: the more you practice reducing your stress levels with healthier approaches, the more your brain becomes familiar with a new felt sense of ease in the body.
A great place to start is by identifying sources of stress and exploring healthy management strategies. Focus on what you can control. Simple practices like belly breathing, spending two hours a week in nature, or grounding exercises—such as grounding through your five senses—can help calm your nervous system. Before you practice, notice how you feel and take a moment when you finish to notice the difference. Regular exercise, nutritious food, and quality rest also play vital roles. Whether you’re in the midst of divorce or adjusting to life afterward, a consistent self-care routine will help your body shift out of survival mode and foster a sense of internal safety.
2. Feel what you’re avoiding–while staying grounded
Divorce brings up a lot of emotions–anger, shame, sadness, fear, and even relief. We often turn to quick fixes to ease discomfort, but these only distract us from addressing what we’re avoiding. Avoidance can prolong your healing, increase stress, and make moving on harder.
It’s not enough to simply manage your stress levels. That’s like treating a symptom. Addressing the deeper issues at the root–unprocessed emotions and trauma–is integral to my work as a trauma-informed master coach, because it can continue to affect your sense of safety and self-trust.
Instead of avoiding your emotions, find an anchor, a point of focus, to stay grounded as you process your emotions. This anchor could be a spot in your body that feels relaxed or neutral instead of tense or constricted. If you're unsure where to start, you might first scan your body and notice any sensations–for example, tightness, heaviness, warmth, or lightness. If you find it difficult to identify a relaxed or neutral spot in your body–which is common, especially after a significant emotional event like divorce–your anchor could be a comforting memory or a peaceful place in your mind.
When emotions get overwhelming, focus on this anchor to stay present. As you tune into it, observe any shifts in how you feel. Once you feel a shift, you can ask yourself, “If my emotion could speak, what would it want me to know?” This step allows you to begin engaging with your emotions and learn from them rather than push them away. It builds self-trust by showing you can handle your emotional experience, even when it’s challenging.
3. Establish clear boundaries
Boundary setting is a critical practice for post-divorce women. They protect your time and energy and help you meet your needs. Clear boundaries also support your goals for the next chapter. When you uphold your boundaries, you build self-trust and reinforce your self-worth by keeping promises to yourself.
I dive more deeply into this topic in my previous article on boundary setting with tips.
4. Notice where you already trust yourself
Chances are, you already trust yourself in areas of your life, even if it’s not obvious. These moments, however small, are important. When you doubt your ability to trust yourself, your brain tends to look for evidence that supports this limiting belief. By noticing where you’ve made confident decisions—such as managing your household efficiently, giving attention and affection to your children when they need it most, or following a new routine–you can start challenging and shifting that belief.
Take a moment to think about the times you’ve handled challenges, big or small. Whether it’s whipping up a meal with what’s in the fridge or making a big decision, write these moments down. Keep adding to this list and acknowledge yourself. This not only shows you where you currently trust yourself, but also is new evidence for a more positive and empowering belief.
5. Practice self-compassion
Going through a divorce can really turn up the volume on your inner critic. With all the new routines, changes in relationships to navigate, finances to manage, and decisions to make, it's easy to feel overwhelmed. When things don’t go as you hoped or planned, it can amplify self-criticism and negative self-talk. This fuels feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, and shame, which makes trusting yourself even harder.
Instead of being your own worst critic, try self-compassion. Self-compassion is the soothing, encouraging, and loving voice that helps you through stress and struggle. Imagine how you’d comfort a close friend who’s going through a tough time. Extend that same kindness and understanding to yourself. Treat yourself with the gentleness you’d offer someone you care about deeply.
Self-trust thrives in a gentle, nurturing internal environment. As you practice self-compassion, you'll start feeling more positive about yourself and the new chapter you're stepping into.
You can learn to trust yourself again
Divorce can rock your sense of self-trust, but you can restore it with inner safety. Without this foundation, it’s easy to get caught up in a cycle of doubt, anxiety, and shame and miss out on the transformative potential of this time in your life. By learning to trust yourself again, you can step into this next chapter of your life with confidence, resilience, and the ability to truly thrive.
Ready to step into this next chapter of your life with a deeper sense of safety and greater self-trust? I’m currently accepting new clients in my private coaching practice. Visit my website to schedule a complimentary call because your journey to inner peace and confidence starts with a single conversation.
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Read more from Jen Legaspi
Jen Legaspi, Master Life Coach
Jen Legaspi is a trauma-informed, certified Master Life Coach, author of Brave Wise Woman, and yoga teacher. After her second divorce in her 40s, she faced the inevitable question, ‘What now?’ This led her down a path of healing and self-discovery, including exploring a new life on her own in Mexico for a year and a half and finding healthy romantic love after 50. She now enjoys helping post-divorce women over 40 discover their own answers to that question. Her compassionate guidance creates a soft space for them to land.
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