Greg Singleton is well known for his ability to get the best out of the person across from him. He is the founder of CSB Coaching, and he has transformed his experiences into a powerful coaching framework designed to help others empower themselves to live fulfilling lives.
Most people think of confidence as something external, such as how we present ourselves, how we speak, or how others perceive us. But at its core, confidence holds a deeper secret: the word “confide” is embedded within it. To be truly confident, we must first learn to confide in ourselves and trust our own thoughts, emotions, and abilities.
Many of us derive our confidence from what we do, the people we surround ourselves with, the things we buy, or our accomplishments. Sound familiar? I know I used to rely entirely on these external sources for my confidence, so if you’ve done the same, you’re not alone.
It wasn’t until I turned inward that my true confidence began to propel me to new heights. There’s a ceiling on how high you can fly when your confidence depends on external factors, but when it’s fueled by your own inner dialogue, you become limitless.
How to confide in yourself
First, we need to get to know that little voice inside our head, the one that shapes our perception of reality. That nagging, sometimes uncontrollable, inner silent assassin that can derail us at any moment. We’ve all succumbed to the grip of negative self-talk, and because of that, we can all relate to how detrimental it feels. Like a hamster on a wheel, we just can’t seem to step off the endless loop of thoughts running through our minds.
One of the quickest and most efficient ways to create distance from intrusive thoughts is through a technique called Temporal Distancing. This strategy involves considering how you will feel about a current negative situation in the future. When your inner voice tells you one thing, take a deep breath and ask yourself: How will I feel about this tomorrow? Next week? Next year? Is this fight really worth it? Do I truly dislike this person? Is this one mistake really the end of the world?
By shifting your focus from the present moment to your future perspective, you begin to reduce stress, anxiety, and fear. As you do this, be sure to change the lens through which you view your emotions. Move from first-person (I) to second-person (you), and then to third-person (he/she). Each step distances you further from identifying with the emotion itself.
This practice helps you become more grounded and confident in your ability to calm yourself when that inner voice becomes chaotic. When you learn to confide in yourself and regulate your emotions with the right amount of distance, confidence becomes a natural extension of learning to confide.
First person: I
When we relate to something in the first person, we take on the identity of whatever we are experiencing. This is the moment when things feel the heaviest or the most empowering. You are as close as you will ever be to this moment in time. Confidence can be built or destroyed depending on how you choose to associate with it.
The most important takeaway when using “I” is recognizing that what you identify with now will change as time moves forward. Who you are in this moment is not who you will be in the future. Circumstances will change, information will change, and you will change.
During difficult times in my life, I used to believe that things would always stay the same whenever I faced similar challenges. I was limiting my ability to believe in myself because I projected the same outcome into the future, assuming I would always be the same person.
Break free from identifying too strongly with the first person during difficult moments; it will only limit you, just as it once limited me!
Second person: You
Take a step back and use “you” instead of “I”. When you enter the second phase of creating space, saying, You won’t feel the same, is more empowering than saying, I won’t feel the same. This shift allows you to speak to yourself with more compassion because it creates distance between what is happening and how you feel.
The space between “You” and “I” fosters greater self-compassion and empathy. Using you mirrors the way you would comfort a friend or loved one. When someone needs our support, we instinctively respond with reassuring phrases like You are not that bad or You are a good person. Apply the same approach to yourself, and you’ll start building confidence, knowing that your inner dialogue is becoming more supportive and less self-critical.
Third person: He/she
To create even more emotional distance, replay the events using “he” or “she” when reflecting on how you felt. This technique helps you detach from the situation and avoid assuming its identity as your own. When you project forward, you have no way of knowing exactly who you will be in the future. By saying He/She probably won’t feel the same way in reference to your future self, you naturally lessen the emotional impact.
In his brilliant book Chatter, Ethan Kross explains how distanced self-talk can have profound effects:
“Shifting from the first-person ‘I’ to the second-person ‘you’ or third-person ‘he/she’ provides a mechanism for gaining emotional distance. Distanced self-talk, then, is a psychological hack embedded in the fabric of human language.”
This simple yet powerful technique helps you build confidence by giving yourself space to be more compassionate and resilient. The more distance you create, the easier it becomes to believe in your ability to navigate any challenge. Your confidence begins to grow.
Confidence vs. ego
To bring everything full circle, we need to discuss the thin line between building confidence and letting it spill into ego. Confidence echoes inclusion; ego stands alone. Confidence comes with the awareness that you didn’t achieve everything entirely on your own, but there were people who helped you along the way. Ego, on the other hand, creates a myopic view that isolates you, leaving you convinced of your own greatness while diminishing the efforts of those who supported you.
Confidence is the quiet assurance that you can accomplish what you set out to do, knowing you can pivot when needed. Confident people recognize their blind spots and have the self-awareness to ask for help. They understand that no one can navigate life alone and that knowledge is meant to be shared, not hoarded.
Ego, however, only cares about one thing: me. I often refer to it as MEgo because its only goal is to prove that, you were right or the best. If you ever find yourself teetering between confidence and ego, ask yourself: Who are the people who helped me get here? You’ll quickly realize just how many have played a role in shaping who you are today, so when your ego demands that you were right, the best, or the greatest, quiet it down by acknowledging and appreciating those who helped you along the way.
Learning to confide
We all need a support system that helps us build our confidence. Whether it’s teachers, mentors, friends, family, or coaches, humans are naturally wired to confide in one another. We crave social structure, some more than others (looking at you, introverts!), and meaningful interactions with those we know, love, and trust.
Confide in them, learn from them, and, most importantly, recognize that true confidence starts with trusting yourself. We all need a support system to help us build confidence, but the most important part will always be how you choose to confide in yourself.
I’ve created a quick guide to help you break through limiting beliefs and build authentic confidence, the kind that empowers you to create the life you’ve always dreamed of. You can find it here. I hope it helps!
Read more from Greg Singleton
Greg Singleton, Perspective and Mindset Coach
Greg Singleton is a certified NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) peer-to-peer leader, and his coaching guides people with the correct perspective and mindset to overcome imposter syndrome, build confidence, and embrace a healthier mindset. He has dedicated the last 10 years to helping others overcome their fear and embrace their inner confidence to become who they strive to be. He is the CEO of CSB Coaching. His mission: Celebrate others, don't Alienate others.
