Written by: Travis Thompson, LMFT, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
So here we are again. She’s calling in a panic from the emergency room saying that she overdosed again and really wants help this time. She has said this in the past, many times before. Somehow, some way, she apparently means it this time. There have been plenty of recovery meetings and conversations with friends. Sometimes they say to stick it out. Other times they say to leave her there and cut the phone line.
This is all a roller coaster, and no one seems to be able to give support or insight. Sure, she will probably get the help she needs and insight into what the next steps could look like, but what do you get? There may be a phone call to update him about her progress or a short session talking about discharge. No one seems to have an idea what you are going through or be able to make sense of the craziness that is going on.
The Gap
Great strides have been made toward the study and intervention of those in the midst of and recovering from addiction to alcoholism and substance abuse. From co-occurring programs to outpatient continuums, a wrap-around system has been built to hopefully insulate someone enough to make it to the next stage of programming. While there has been a success in this continued study and push for change, there stands a glaring issue. When the patient becomes a part of the general public, who is there to support and challenge them?
Many pseudo-family structures have popped up over the years. Some of these include religious institutions, recovery partners, and Anonymous groups. Either organically driven or birthed out of necessity, these programs have attempted to stand in the gap of the gaping relational divides that those in recovery feel. These groups often develop aspects of familial dynamics in relation to support, insight, and accountability. In stark contrast, many individuals amid active addiction and recovery report strained family relationships. Some point to directly contentious, life-long interactions with parents or other family members, even to the point of pointed blame for the origin of their addiction. This can progress to the point of family fracture, either in part or in totality.
So, what does the family get to support their journey? What information do they receive to make sense of the chaos they have experienced and the continued discord in their home and with their loved ones? Unfortunately, a general pat on the back and a “me too” can be the only solace for a time that was incredibly traumatic for years.
Going In
Trauma inherently exists for the addict in wild emotional swings and health risks that come from abusing the body and mind. Without peace and a sense of safety, the journey of addiction and recovery can seem terrifying and tumultuous. Often overlooked, but always affected by the ostentatious cycle of abuse and promises from their loved one, there can be a feeling that your feet are never on the ground. The hope here is to provide an outline, a voice to the ones who have been alongside of the addict the whole time, something to provide information to explain the pattern experienced a dozen times, or for the first time. While this is generalized information, stages in the cycle will be specific enough to provide language and meaning for what loved ones go through in addiction and recovery.
You finally got them to go. They agreed to the boundary, ultimatum, not so slightly veiled threat from you or the situation they are in. What happened and what is considered “normal” for people at this point in the journey? First, it is important to have grace for yourself as many loved ones report compromises and adaptations of their convictions to get someone admitted to treatment. If it seems like there is a choice between life and death, it is common to push against conviction. This is due to trauma responses and the little energy that is left to give.
Many family members report that when their loved ones finally enter treatment, they sleep well for the first time in years. Even if their loved ones are miserable and angry, at least they are safe. This can also be accompanied by a sense of guarded relief. At least for now, there is nowhere to go. This transition can also be marked by drastic swings of emotion, from intense stress upon the process of admission, to the exhausted numbness from dropping expectations of having to be an on-call emergency service. Finally, family systems who are early on in their recovery attempt may find themselves with magical thinking. These beliefs may sound like “maybe this can be the time” or “I really think she has got this.”
Going Out
Following a reprieve from the responsibility of watching over someone in addiction, comes the phone call you knew was coming but were hoping to put off. A case manager calls and states that she will be discharged soon and that there is a plan in place. You may begin to brace for impact with an impending sense of dread starting to seep in. What do we do now and how do we handle it if something happens again?
One word can sum up this time, from planning to actual discharge, fear. What can we do to make their lives easier? I don’t want to be the one to cause them to relapse. They could die this time. As a result of the magical thinking and trauma responses, comes an intense desire to not screw things up. Families and loved ones inevitably experience the feeling of walking on eggshells and treating a grown adult with little kid gloves. This can often be accompanied by hypervigilance, and overexertion of energy to watch for everything that could go wrong. Not wanting to show our own fear and weakness, we can veil our own insecurities by asking if they have been drinking or if they are okay. From years of fear and having to decipher between lies and truth, there is a long journey to open communication and trust.
Going Down
After some time and small steps forward, things begin to shift. First, it can be a feeling that something may still be hidden, and the world may come crashing down again. This may be true. If it is not, then likely something odd begins to come over you. You are happy that they are sober and somewhat moving forward. While you are certainly grateful, something else is present, the feeling that while a lot has changed, not much has changed. She certainly isn’t drinking anymore, but she isn’t really better. We can start to see the “dry drunk” begin to emerge. This is the person who is physically sober but has not built the emotional skills that they need to address and overcome the strain that daily life and their past throw at them. There is still distance, distrust, distribution of blame, and desire to isolate.
Typically, this is when families and loved ones begin to consider counseling or just significant change. The hope has died down and reality has set in that she may just be this way from now on. We begin to grow restless and frustrated, both with the miracle not happening and life going to some semblance of normal. A feeling even worse begins to set in than the one previous. You may want her to drink again. You may never say it out loud and it would be nearly impossible to admit to yourself. Unfortunately, this is all too common. At least when she was drinking, there was something to blame, and an easy target to hit and garner the empathy of those around you. Now, there is just a hole in a relationship that we pretend doesn’t exist.
Going On
The final stage in the Family Recovery Cycle decides what to do next. Why would you divorce her? She did everything she promised to you. She is sober now and is even somewhat of a productive citizen. The relationship is still losing steam. What was once a villain to fight against together has ended up being a mirage of a chasm too wide to cross. She is gone. I mean, she is here and healthy, but the woman you wanted to have back, the one you fell in love with, seems to have been lost forever. You conclude that after all this time, effort, and money, you are still miserable, and now no one can empathize with the obvious chaos.
It can seem rather glum at this point of recognition. A choice remains. Do you advocate for your needs or lead the rest of your life as an unfulfilled partner who simply accepts that this is as good as its going to get? It is normal to ask why you are doing this or what you can stand to miss any longer. You are worth fighting and crying for. Some leave and some stay. Now, with this information, the choice is up to you. Should you go through this whole cycle hoping something would be different for your loved one or will you intervene to keep a realistic and connected relationship with them? Now that you know, the choice is truly yours. Your loved one’s journey may be different, and they may have really changed drastically. This would make them the exception. Whatever you decide to do, get help through couples or family counseling and find community support, or hold out and see what happens, you can say that you were able to decide about this process on your own.
Travis Thompson, LMFT, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Travis Thompson, is a researcher, teacher, and therapist focused on healing the lives of those in addiction. With a drive to see effective, long-term change in his community, he has dedicated himself, his practice, and his doctoral work on both research, education, and implementation of recovery. He strives to further the mental health field towards a holistic and advanced understanding of what addiction truly is, where it comes from, and how we all can help.
