Noreen Chadha is a transformational coach in the field of leadership and conscious parenting. Drawing from her knowledge of mindfulness techniques and fundamental neuroscience, she supports clients all over the world in their quest to move towards a more self aware, present and connected way of living, leading and parenting.
It’s the end of the day and you were kind of looking forward to plopping on the couch with Netflix and looking at your phone again after a 3 hour sabbatical. If you’re anything like me you are perhaps also looking forward to eating a piece of chocolate without a toddler looking over your shoulder and saying “I want what you are having!”.
Essentially the end of the day with young kids especially feels like crossing some sort of finish line. You’ve made it through another 24 hours of keeping little people alive, and you deserve a medal! Unfortunately because we are so keen to get to this point, we often go a little crazy right before. Any last minute challenge like “I don’t wanna brush my teeth”, “I’m not tired!” or “Sleep next to me!” can feel like one last steep slippery mountain to climb. This is when most of us parents are operating from our sympathetic nervous system, “fight or flight”. Our brains think that we are dealing with some sort of threat or danger. This means the rational part of our brain is less activated, and we are more emotional and on edge. In this state of our nervous system we are also less capable of compassion, social connection and curiosity.
Unfortunately the end of the day is also when our kids are the most drained after many hours of stimulation, rollercoasters of feelings and skill building. Therefore they are the most in need of what psychiatrist Dan Siegel calls the “3 S’s” - safety, soothing, and being seen. Essentially they need us to be present with them, and they need reassurance. They need us to be operating from our parasympathetic nervous system “rest and digest”, where we feel safe from danger. This is when we are most rational and calm, and also when we are more capable of curiosity, compassion and social connection.
I guess you already see the conflict right? At the end of the day it’s harder for us to be the type of parent our kids need us to be. We are the most drained when they are the most in need.
So what can we do?
1. Develop a ritual for earlier in the day where you calm your nervous system
If you can find the time to connect to your needs and take care of yourself earlier in the day, you won’t be as desperate at night. This could be a meditation, a long shower, listening to your favorite music, taking a walk outside, speaking to a close friend, writing in a gratitude journal etc. If you’re filling your cup a little more throughout the day, it won’t feel so empty by 7pm.
2. Calm your younger self
If you are feeling triggered, it could be that your younger self (your “inner child” so to speak) also needs some soothing. Could you do something that you yourself would have loved when you were a child? A favorite book, a favorite song? A night time ritual? Connecting to that part of you will bring calm, and can serve as a helpful reminder of what they really need in that moment.
3. Do something creative or visual with your kids at the end of the day
If you visualize or do something creative with your hands you will naturally activate the right side of your brain, naturally lowering any anxiety. It will help you, but it will also help your children. For example, you could all visualize what you want to eat for breakfast the next day, or what you want to do on the weekend, and describe it to each other in a lot of detail. Or you could draw what you did that day, or use stickers to describe certain events or feelings. (Going over what they did during the day is also a very helpful way for them to process and integrate their experiences, and will provide them with a sense of security and stability).
4. Lower your expectations of what you will do when the kids are asleep
The more you are excited to “finally….” the more pressure you will experience. Your kids might pick up on that sense of urgency, notice you are not present and ultimately might need a bit more of your attention.
5. Be honest with your kids about how you feel and what you need
Especially when they are a little older, it’s ok to say to them that you are tired and what you are looking forward to doing. It doesn’t mean they will magically listen to you, but it will calm you to say it out loud. Plus it will help them understand that you are not perfect, and that you also get tired and irritated sometimes.
6. Don’t look at the time
When we start thinking too much about how late it is, we start stressing that they should have already been asleep. It doesn’t help our nervous system. Time doesn’t mean much to kids (especially not younger kids), so it will actually create more of a disconnect.
7. Repeat a mantra
For many people it helps to have a little mantra in the tricky parenting moments that you can repeat to yourself over and over again if needed. For example, “they will sleep when they sleep”, “tomorrow is another day” or my personal favorite “soon they will be grown up and I will miss this”. It might seem a little silly but repeating words like this also calms our mind and brings us into a more positive headspace.
I wish there was a magic pill to make bed time fun and smooth every night. Even if you follow all these steps, some days will simply be harder than others, especially when you’re going through a tricky phase (luckily every phase ends eventually!). The more you can check in with yourself and connect to what you need in the more challenging moments, the easier it will be for you to attune to your children’s needs and stay in the present moment.
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Noreen Chadha, Leadership & Conscious Parenting Coach
With almost 20 years of professional experience, Noreen Chadha supports both leaders and parents on their journey to be more conscious, and therefore more at peace and authentic in their day to day life. She believes that being truly present is one of the biggest challenges of our time, and also one of the biggest gifts we can give ourselves, our teams and most importantly our children.
